The Soul of Me (Part 3) (standard:drama, 3982 words) [3/11] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: May 01 2001	Views/Reads: 2753/2071	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Desperate - Heidi plans her way out. THIS IS *NEVER* THE WAY OUT! THERE IS ALWAYS A BETTER SOLUTION.

I walked aimlessly in the direction of my house for awhile.  Trying to
think.  Trying not to think. I tried to get a grip on all the emotions 
I was going through. I just couldn’t control them.  I wondered how Kyle 
even knew I was helping Aaron with his paper. Why he’d even care that I 
was helping him, but I knew the answer to that.  It was just one more 
thing he could use as ammunition in his personal war against me. I 
wondered why he hated me so much.  Why did he spend so much of his 
energy ruining my life.  Was it somehow his job to destroy me?  I think 
right then I hated myself more than I hated Kyle.  I was ugly. I was a 
fat slob.  Who could ever love me?  Not Aaron.  Not someone as 
beautiful and popular as Aaron.  I had to come back to reality.  Aaron 
just wanted my help.  That’s it.  After this report was done he’d 
probably never even talk to me again – never smile at me.  Nothing.  
He’d go on being the popular basketball player, and I’d go on being me. 


Maybe I didn’t have to go on being me.  I knew I could change my life in
an instant.  It wouldn’t be hard.  I could do it. Thousands of 
teenagers do it every year.  Would it be worth it?  If I could have the 
pain gone forever, if I could finally be at peace, if I could just stop 
thinking, it just might be.  I had taken enough abuse.  I couldn’t take 
it any more.  Kyle was the last straw.  He had placed more than a few 
straws in the time I’ve known him, but this last one was all this camel 
could take.  No-one understood who I was or what I was going through.  
I was alone with just my pain and hate for company. 

It would be better this way – better for me, better for my parents. 
They didn’t need a big fat albatross around their neck.  I knew they’d 
be sad, but once they got over my being gone, they’d probably be 
relived.  Without me around they’d be free to enjoy their life 
together.  They wouldn’t have to worry about me any more.  Jody would 
miss me, too, but she’d bounce right back.  Now she could accept all 
those invitations that she turned down because of me.  She’d be popular 
– like she should be.  Aaron.  My sweet Aaron.  He didn’t even know 
what kind of pleasure he gave to me just by walking the earth.  The 
dreams just weren’t enough any more.  If I were gone he’d hardly 
notice.  He could easily find someone else to help him with his school 
work.  As much as he meant to me, I knew I meant nothing to him.   
There was no-one else.  No-one on this entire planet that would care if 
I was no longer on it. 

Was this the way out of my troubles?  I couldn’t think.  My mind was
spinning and spinning.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t stop thinking.  I 
couldn’t stop crying.  I don’t even know when I started to cry.  My 
body had a will of its own.  My mind could not keep up.  I felt like 
the decision was taken out of my hands, and I was grateful for this.  I 
was on auto-pilot.  No-one was at my house when I finally got there.  
Of course no-one was at my house.  It was only about 1:30.  My parents 
were both hard working people.  I went straight into my parents 
bathroom.  I knew in the medicine cabinet I would find a bottle of 
Percocet that my dad had for pain after he had surgery on his shoulder 
about 6 months ago. 

With shaking hands I took out the bottle and counted the pills inside. 
There were 22 left.  Would that be enough?  Combined with alcohol I 
thought it just might be.  I hoped it would.  My body still running on 
adrenaline, I went into the kitchen, stood on a chair, and searched the 
back of the cupboard above the refrigerator.  There, hidden behind 
seldom used crystal and silver, was a full bottle of Irish whisky - 
just where I knew it would be.  My dad had received this from his 
employer last Christmas.  My dad didn’t even drink.  I guess that shows 
how well my dad’s boss knows his employees.  I got the bottle down, put 
the chair back where it belonged and took both the bottle and he pills 
up to my room. 

What was supposed to happen now?  Did I write a note?  Did I take all
the pills all at once then start drinking? Did I drink the booze first? 
 No.  If I took all the pills at the same time especially after 
drinking a lot of alcohol I’d probably just throw them up.  I’d be 
sick, but not dead.  Sick would be worse than being dead.  I would take 
a few.  Drink a some whisky.  Take a few more. Drink some more.  
Alternating between the two until it was all over. 

The note.  I knew I had to write a note.  My parents needed to know that
this was in no way their fault.  They were the best parents I could 


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