The Soul of Me (Part 3) (standard:drama, 3982 words) [3/11] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: May 01 2001	Views/Reads: 2754/2071	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Desperate - Heidi plans her way out. THIS IS *NEVER* THE WAY OUT! THERE IS ALWAYS A BETTER SOLUTION.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

have hoped for.  I was just a mistake.  I shouldn’t have been born in 
the first place.  I was just rectifying the situation.  In addition to 
crying, I had also started to hyperventilate.  I put the bottle of 
whisky and the pills on my nightstand, then I walked over to my 
computer on legs that felt like wet spaghetti and switched both it and 
the printer on.  I tried desperately to control my breathing.  It 
seemed like a lifetime before my the screen on my monitor came up.  
Finally it did.  I sat at the computer and opened a new Word document, 
and proceeded to start my note.  My Suicide note. 

Dear Mom and Dad, 

Don’t be sad. 

We all have to do what we think is right in our hearts.  I love you both
very much.  You have done nothing but love me with all your hearts.  I 
am sorry I wasn’t able to be a better daughter.  You both deserve 
better than me.  This is not your fault.  I just was not meant to be.  
This world is not ready to accept me as I am and I am not ready to 
accept it as it appears to be.  Please know I love you. 

Please tell Jody that she should start living her life now that she
won’t be burdened by a friend who doesn’t deserve her.  Tell her that 
her friendship meant more to me than she can ever know.  Tell her I 
lover her.  Tell her thank you. 

Aaron was always a bright spot in my day.  He won’t care, but please ask
Jody to tell him how much his smile meant to me. 

Don’t be sad. 

I Love You, 

Heidi 

I read and re-read that note over and over.  Then I just sat there.  I
stared at the screen until I could see nothing but the bright light of 
the monitor and black words written there.  I was in a trance. 

The phone ringing brought be abruptly back to reality.  I jumped as the
sound invaded my solitary reflection.  I glanced at the clock.  It was 
2:45.  I had been staring at the computer for over an hour.  I wasn’t 
going to answer the phone.  There was no time.  I had wasted too much 
already.  I didn’t know how long this would take and I wanted it to be 
done before my folks got home. 

While the phone was still ringing, I selected print (intending to just
leave the note in my printer) and went over to my nightstand to start 
opening the bottle of whisky.  Just then my answering machine came on.  
“You’ve reached 555-6362.  Leave a message.” 

“Hi Heidi.  It’s Aaron.  I didn’t see you in English.  I was hoping
would could talk about the book a little bit.  It’s not that I can’t 
follow it, but well...you know...it might be helpful if you could sort 
of talk to me about the story in plain English.   Also, I kind of 
wanted to ask you something.  So, if you’re not like too sick, call me 
later.  Bye” 

I stopped.  The bottle only inches from my mouth.  Seconds went by –
then minutes. 

“NO!”  I screamed.  Why did he have to call.  I was going to do it.  My
pain was finally going to be over.  He had to call.  He had to break my 
resolve.  His voice.  Did I really want to never hear that sweet voice 
again.   Damn it!  Damn it!  Damn it!  “Grrrrrrrrrrr.”  I growled.  I 
started crying again – harder this time.  I replaced the lid on the 
bottle and threw myself on my bed.  I knew I couldn’t go through with 
it.  Not now.  If he had just not called.  If I hadn’t had to listen to 
the gentle, soothing voice being nice to me. 

I continued crying until I there was no tears left.  Totally exhausted,
I fell asleep. 

“Heidi?”  (pause)  “Heidi?” From somewhere deep in my subconscious I
struggled to wake up.  I could hear someone calling my name, but I 
didn’t want to acknowledge it.  I wanted to sleep forever.  I tried to 
ignore the voice that kept repeating my name. 

“Heidi!  Heidi! Wake up!  Please wake up!  Oh, please wake up!  Heidi!” 
Someone was shaking me.  There was a hard grip on my arm.  It hurt. 

I started to slowly come to my senses.  I remembered everything.  “I
couldn’t do it.  Why couldn’t I do it!”  I cried.  My fist struck my 
pillow over and over and over. 

“Oh thank God!”  It was Jody.  She was crying, too.  Why was she crying?
 ‘Jody, what’s wrong?’  I thought to myself.  I couldn’t get my head 
wrapped around everything that was happening.  I didn’t understand.  
All I could do was cling to Jody – both of us crying. 

After what seemed like an eternity, I was able to get myself together. 
I extricated myself from Jody’s arms and looked at her.  “I’m sorry 
Jody.”  I whispered.  I understood what had happened, now.  She was 
crying for me. 

“Talk to me.  Please tell me what’s going on.  I got the note you left
in our locker.  You seemed so happy this morning, so I knew there was 
something wrong other than you not feeling very well.”  She was doing 
her best to bring herself under control, but still sobbing harshly.  “I 
came over to see if you were all right.  The door was open.  I kept 
calling and calling.  You didn’t answer.  I came up here and saw you 
lying on your bed, a bottle of pills, some alcohol, and a note still on 
your computer screen.  You have to talk to me.  What happened?  Please 
tell me.  Nothing is worth ending your life.  You can get help.  I’ll 
help you.”  She was trying to hold back the fear she felt, but I could 
hear it in her voice. 

“It’s nothing.” I lied.  “I’m fine.  I just got sad for a while.  I’m
over it.  Nothing like this will ever happen again, so you can just 
forget it.”  I could see in her eyes that she was never going to forget 
this.  I got off the bed and went over to my computer and deleted the 
note I had written.  My hand brushed my eyes wiping away the tears that 
had slid down my cheek.  “See, no problem.”  I tried make my voice 
sound normal - to force a smile.  It sounded fake – it felt fake.  “I 
just wrote it to vent my frustration a little.  I was just feeling 
sorry for myself.  I’m fine now.” 

“Yeah, what about these?”  She gestured to the bottle of whisky and the
pills still sitting on my nightstand. 

I couldn’t really come up with a decent reason why they were sitting
there.  So I just looked at her.  The silence was almost unbearable.  
“Jody,” I finally said, “I’m fine.  Please let’s just drop this.” 

“I can’t just drop this.  You need help.  Talk to me.  Talk to your
parents.  I know they would do anything in their power to help you.?”  
She was pleading with me, but I wouldn’t have it. 

“I just had a little too much of Kyle today.  That’s it.  You know how
much of a jerk he is to me.  I thought this was the way out.  I know 
it’s not.  I really do.  See,” I said picking up the bottle and the 
pills.  “I haven’t even touched this stuff.  Not one drop of booze, not 
one pill.  Please don’t say anything to Mom and Dad.  They don’t need 
this.”  Now I was the one pleading. 

“How can I not say anything to your mom and dad?  What would I do if
something happened to you and I had kept this to myself?  I wouldn’t be 
able to live with myself.  You wouldn’t have to worry about being 
lonely wherever you ended up because I’d be joining you.  It would tear 
me up if anything happened to you.”  Her voice was thick with concern. 

“I will promise never to try a stunt like this again.  If I ever feel
like this again I’ll come talk to you.  I promise.  Please, please, 
please don’t say anything to Mom and Dad.”  I was crying again.  “I 
couldn’t do it anyway.  Maybe everyone is right.  I am worthless.” 

“You aren’t.  Everyone doesn’t think that.  I don’t think that.  Your
mom and dad don’t think that.  You have to know that there are people 
who care about you.  People you don’t even know.  I care about you.  I 
don’t want to loose my best friend.  Don’t you know that I love you.  
Please don’t do that to me.  Don’t let me loose you.  You are beautiful 
inside and out.  Don’t you know that.  Don’t listen to anyone who says 
otherwise.  Those people are the ones with the problem.  What a person 
looks like is not who a person is.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else 
thinks about you.  It only matters...” 

“...what I think of myself.”  I finished for her.  “I know.  It’s just
hard.” 

“I’ll be there to help.  I always will.”  She smiled at me.  “Just for
the record, you are never a burden.”  She was referring to my note. 

“Thank you Jody.  Thank you for everything.  You mean a lot to me, too. 
So,”  I said hopefully.  “does this mean you won’t tell my parents?  
Please, Jody.  Can’t we keep this between us?” 

“I don’t know, Heidi. This is big.  It’s not like you failed a class, or
even stole something.  You tried to..” I started to stop her.  “Okay, 
you thought about – no, planned – to kill yourself.  Right down to note 
and the method.  Don’t you think you parents should know what’s going 
on?” 

“I just can’t do this to them.  It would be horrible.  I can’t have them
worrying about me more than they already do.  It was just a mistake.  I 
overreacted.  I’m sure I would never have gone through with it.”  I 
wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t trying to convince me. 

“You promise to talk to me the next time you feel sad or bad?  That you
won’t do anything stupid like this again?  Do you understand that you 
are not a burden to me or your parents?  Not only are you not a burden, 
we love you.  I know you are your parents light, and you are my best 
friend.  Don’t do this to us.”  I knew how much she wanted to tell my 
parents.  I knew what it was doing to her to go against her better 
judgement. 

“I promise.  I promise.  I do understand.”  Did I understand?  I wanted
to.  My rational mind did.  My emotions didn’t believe anyone could 
love me, but I would try. 

“And what about Aaron.  He obviously cares about you.  He actually came
looking for me when you weren’t in class.  He thought I’d know what 
happened to you.  I told him you just went home sick.  You can’t just 
trash what could be a decent friendship because of Kyle.  Let’s face 
it, Kyle doesn’t have the brains God gave a rock.”  She was trying her 
best to make me feel better, and I loved her for it. 

“I don’t know about Aaron.  I’m just going to help him with his paper
and let the chips fall where they may, as they say.  I won’t expect 
anything that doesn’t make itself absolutely obvious.  I think it’ll 
just be better that way in the long run.”  I thought about telling Jody 
about his phone call, but I didn’t want to explain that his call was 
the reason I was still breathing. 

“I don’t know, Heidi.  If you felt like this was the only answer, then
you need help from someone.  Let me help you find someone to talk to.  
If you do that, I won’t say anything to your folks.  I need to be 
honest with you, though.  I know you may be angry with me, but I will 
absolutely spill my guts to your parents and tell them everything I 
know if I even think there’s a possibility that you might be suicidal 
again.  I should tell them anyway, but if you let me help you find 
someone to talk to, I won’t.  I know there are people you can talk to 
at school or someone you could call.  We’ll find someone, okay?”  She 
gave me a look that said ‘don’t even think of lying to me’. 

“Okay.”  I was relieved and extremely grateful that I wasn’t going to
have to explain what happened to my parents.  I really didn’t want to 
talk to anyone about this.  I could deal with it on my own, but I knew 
I wouldn’t have a choice.  It was either let Jody help me find someone 
for me to talk to or have her tell my parents I almost killed myself.  
I just couldn’t do that to my parents. 

“What about that?”  She motioned to the pills and booze. 

“I’ll take care of it.  I promise I’ll put everything back where I found
it.”  She was giving me a curious look.  “I promise.”  I said again. 

“How about we take care of it now, together” 

“Jody, I know you’re worried, but I won’t do anything stupid.  I
promise” I think I made more promises that day than I had ever made in 
my life. “I don’t have time to put everything back, anyway.  My mom’ll 
be home any minute now.” To make my point, I heard the telltale sounds 
of my mom in the kitchen.  Punctual as usual. “I will put everything 
back exactly where I found it first chance I get.  I promise.” 

“I trust you Heidi.”  I knew she did.  She glanced at the clock which
now read 6:23.  “I really hate to leave you like this.  Are you going 
to be alright?” 

“Sure I will.  Besides, you don’t have to worry.  Mom’s home now, and
Dad’ll be home in a few minutes.  I won’t be alone.  It’s okay.  I know 
you need to get home, too.  Besides, I’m fine.”  I said again.  I 
wanted to be strong for her.  “I just need some sleep.” 

“Okay.” She sighed.  I know she was worried.  I didn’t think there was
really anything I could say to make her stop worrying.  “Walk me down.” 
 She put her arm around my shoulders and we started walking down to the 
kitchen to say hello to my mom before she left.  It was nice to have 
some human contact.  I knew everything Jody had said to me that day was 
true.  I wasn’t a burden to her.  I know she loved me.  Getting my head 
and my heart to understand each other was difficult. 

“You know, you’ve got quite a grip there.  I don’t think you know your
own strength.” I said deciding to lighten the mood a little.  I rubbed 
my arm where she had been shaking me earlier.  “You probably bruised 
me, you brute.” 

“Well, just be glad that that’s all that happened tonight.”  And I was. 
Right then, I was. 

“Hi, Mrs. Bennett.” 

“Hi, Jody.  I didn’t know you were here.”  My mom as usual was in the
kitchen starting dinner. 

“I was just leaving.” 

“You know, honey, you’re welcome to stay for dinner.  There’s always
enough for one more.” 

“Thanks, but my mom’s expecting me home.  Heidi, don’t forget what we
talked about.  I’ll meet you at our locker tomorrow morning, okay?  If 
you need me for anything before then, call me.”  She gave me an knowing 
look.  I understood. 

“I will.  I’ll see you then.”  I walked her to the door and watched as
she walked down the path to the sidewalk. 

“Why would you need anything before tomorrow?”  My mother asked, more
for conversation than anything else. 

“She just means if I need help with my science homework.”  It wasn’t the
best excuse, but it was all I could think of.  I decided to help my mom 
make dinner. 

I managed to get through the evening without raising any concern’s with
my parents.  The only indication I got that they thought anything was 
odd was when my mom asked me if I was feeling well.  She thought I 
looked a little sick.  Considering what I almost did that afternoon, I 
did feel a bit sick.  I made some excuse about having a bad headache.  
I even admitted to cutting class because I wasn’t feeling well.  All 
she said was that I should  have called to let her know I was going 
home. 

Other than that, it was an uneventful evening.  Once again I excused
myself early and went to my room.  The booze and pills were still 
sitting on my nightstand.  I knew I needed to do something with them.  
My parents rarely came up here, but you just never know.  Until I could 
put them back, I decided to put them in the bottom drawer of my 
dresser. 

I didn’t feel like doing any school work.  I just didn’t care anymore. 
I had told Jody I wouldn’t do anything stupid, and I wouldn’t.  But I 
still wasn’t ready to start pretending everything was fine.  Everything 
was not fine.  I was still here.  I was still me.  The world was still 
what it was.  Compared to everything I was feeling, school work rated 
rather high on my who-gives-a-damn list.  I compromised.  I grabbed my 
book and settled down in my chair to read a few more chapters before 
going to bed.  I could escape my world and enter Edmond’s for awhile.  
Edmond had escaped from the Chateau d’If, found Abbe Faria’s treasure 
on the island of Monte Cristo (which the abbe had bequeathed to solely 
to him), and now had unimaginable money and wealth.  His plans of 
vengeance were slowly coming to fruition.  The only thing he didn’t 
have (besides vengeance) was the same thing I was missing.  He didn’t 
have his love.  His love thought he was dead.  Mine didn’t know I was 
alive.  The irony is that I almost wasn’t. 

*************** 

The story is not over.  The fourth, but not final, part will be posted
very soon.  As always - let me know what you think.  I hope you are 
enjoying my story.  If if you feel you are in a desperate situation 
like Heidi - there is always a better way.  There are people to talk 
to. People to trust.  People that can help.  Please get help. People 
you don't even know care about you.  This is NEVER the way. 


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