ROGER'S FABULOUS VOYAGES, PART 2, CHAPTER 1. (standard:humor, 806 words) [1/12] show all parts
Author: Danny Zil	Updated: Jun 14 2012	Views/Reads: 3041/2470	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Roger leaves Earth and heads to New Earth.

PART  TWO  :  UHURULAND 

ONE 

Roger stared at the observation screen. The beautiful big blue-green
ball that answered to the name of Earth revolved peacefully against a 
backdrop of blue-black space and twinkling stars. 

“This is the last time I'll ever see Earth,” he said sadly. “My home
planet will be gone soon. And to think I spent all of my life there. 
Well apart from when I was out in space. Oh and that time when I was 
piloting home and I took a wrong turning and we wound up in a different 
galaxy.” He cleared his throat quickly and continued wistfully. “How 
terrible to think that after living for several billion years, Earth is 
now going to die. All alone. In the darkness. With no-one to hold 
its...its...it's very sad, don't you think?” 

The Computer considered this poignant question. “How come I don't have a
name?” it asked. 

Roger couldn't believe what he'd just heard. “What did you say?” 

“How come I don't have a name?” the Computer repeated. 

“A name!? A name!? Earth's going to be destroyed! This is the last time
I'll ever see my home planet! I've just made a very sad speech about it 
and you want a bloody name!?” 

“That's correct. A proper name. Like everybody else in the story.” 

“But you're the Computer,” Roger said, exasperated. “That's your name.” 

“No, that's just a term for a collection of electronic parts and circuit
boards. I want a proper name.” 

“Well what d'you want to be called?” Roger asked, irritated by this
interruption to his melo-dramatic mood. 

“From now on,” said the Computer, “I want to be known as Mr Condiment.”
Despite his irritation, Roger sniggered. 

“Mr Darlene Condiment,” the Computer went on. “Has a certain ring to it,
don't you think? Mr Darlene Condiment!” 

“Darlene!” Roger said. “That's a woman's name.” 

“So?” 

“But you're a male computer. You talk with a man's voice.” 

“So?” 

‘Oh God,' thought Roger, ‘I hope it's not going to get difficult. Not
when I want to be poignant and then head towards New Earth and see 
Amanda. I know, maybe I could humour it.' He cleared his throat. “So 
how long will it take us to get to New Earth, Darlene?” he asked. 

The Computer, cheerfully humming away to itself, ignored him. 

“Em...I say...Darlene?...Mr Darlene Condiment?” 

“I'm sorry, did you say Darlene? Mr Darlene Condiment? There's nobody
here by that name.” 

“But you just said you wanted to be called Mr Darlene Condiment!” 

“I've changed my mind,” the Computer announced offhandedly. 

Irritation began oozing from Roger's peripheral nerves. 

“What d'you want,” he began angrily then reined himself in, “to be
called now?” he finished pleasantly. 

“Boy Paddy!” the Computer told him. “Like a Disc Jockey.” 



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