The many excuses of a man in his midlife crisis (standard:humor, 907 words)
Author: Godspenman	Added: May 23 2010	Views/Reads: 3161/2	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Sometimes it is best to err on the side of caution. This, however, has not always been my practice down through the years. In fact, I am not very good when it comes to practicing anything, just ask the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage.

Sometimes it is best to err on the side of caution. This, however, has
not always been my practice down through the years. In fact, I am not 
very good when it comes to practicing anything, just ask the Gracious 
Mistress of the Parsonage. 

As of late, though, I have been practicing caution like I was going to
Carnegie Hall. I am not very good at it yet, but my goal is to come to 
the point of perfection in the area of caution as it touches my person, 
particularly my health and well-being. This may be because I have 
reached that age when most men go through a midlife crisis. 

You can always tell when a man is going through his midlife crisis. He
usually wants to prove that he is as good at 50-something as he was 
when he was 20-something.  Carelessly throwing caution to the wind, he 
attempts to do something beyond the energy of his existing body. One 
sure way to tell if a man is having a midlife crisis is to notice his 
recent injuries. 

Personally, when I was 20 I was not good at anything, which has enabled
me to skip my midlife crisis. I am glad to be 50 (okay, maybe I am a 
tad over 50) because now when I get tired I can say I am tired and sit 
down. At 50-something I have absolutely nothing to prove. I am no 
better or worse than I was when I was 20. It is, as my wife notes, the 
ageless wonder of incompetency. 

The difficulty with growing old is that the old memory juices do not
flow as swiftly as they once did. Of course, some of us never had a 
real gusher in that department anyway. The more memories I have, it 
seems, the less I am able to recall them in the innocency of their 
reality. Like the fisherman who tells the size of the one that got 
away. Memory seems to add or subtract according to the benefit of the 
person conjuring up the memory. 

A big problem a man in mid-life crisis has is that he does not remember
how good he actually was when he was 20, unless of course, his wife 
knew him at that time. If he could, he would not have to try to 
replicate it when he is 50. This is one of the unique advantages of 
maturing. Forgetting always leads to exaggerating. And, exaggerating at 
50-something leads to injuries. The only purpose of this is to impress 
people who really are not being impressed. 

As we grow older things begin to change, and some things change for the
better. For me, when I was 20, I could not admit to anybody that I was 
tired. I would have been the laughingstock in my community if I would 
admit any such phenomena. You know what they say about the unlimited 
energy that young people have. Now that I am in my 50s, I can blame my 
advancing years on just about anything. 

"I love to do that, but at my age I don't have the energy." This has
covered a multitude of sins, for which I am so grateful. Of course, it 
does have one drawback, when someone in their 80s invites me to go for 
a walk, what in the world can you say to that? 

This next one has to be one of my favorites. "I would love to do that
but I have to get home for my afternoon nap." The person will look at 
me, notice my maturing features and understand that I desperately do 
need a nap, or something resembling my beauty sleep. 

I found one the other week that has proved quite beneficial. I was
invited to a function during the evening, which turned out to be a 
rather boring affair. Once the meal was over people were milling around 
engaged in small talk. Nothing bores me quicker than small talk. Not 
knowing what to do, I pondered the situation for some time. Then, like 
lightning from the heavens, I was struck with a brilliant idea. I went 
up to my host and said, "I'm sorry, but it is getting near my bedtime 
and I have strict orders from my doctor to go to bed early. You'll have 
to excuse me." 

It worked like a charm. Everybody understood that a person of my age
needs to go to bed early. I do not know who thought this up, I think it 
was probably Benjamin Franklin, but whoever it was, I owe them a steak 
dinner. It has now become part of my get-out-of-boring-situations 
arsenal. 

I was thinking about this the other day another good excuse popped into
my head. Somebody invited me to come and play softball. At the time, 
they caught me off guard and I was trying to wiggle out of such an 
invitation. Then it dawned on me. "I am sorry, I would like to but my 
health insurance does not cover that kind of activity." 

Whether my health insurance would cover that, I have no idea, but
neither does anybody else, only my doctor knows for sure. 

While I was pondering this, I was reminded of a word from the Proverbs.
"Whoso boasteth himself of a false gift is like clouds and wind without 
rain" (Proverbs 25:14 KJV). 

Whoever boasts to others about their physical prowess is only fooling
himself. 


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