Fun with Telemarketers (standard:humor, 1008 words)
Author: Jim Spence	Added: Apr 16 2002	Views/Reads: 4292/2672	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Those annoying telemarketer calls can be fun ...

Fun with Telemarketers 

They call at all hours of the day or night.  You can be watching TV,
eating dinner, playing with your kids; but, they call.  Sometimes when 
the phone rings, you just know it's going to be a telemarketer.  It has 
that gnarly little ring to it, doesn't it?  You're gritting your teeth 
before you even say “hello”.  And, then, it's “how are you this 
evening?” ... just as you expected. 

Now, I certainly understand that telemarketers are everyday people, who
just happen to make a living talking to a whole lot of other people 
they're pissing off.  Can you imagine the terrible things they must 
hear, bothering people at the most inopportune times?  Wouldn't it be 
fun if you could come up with some way to let them know that you're not 
interested ... not only without becoming nasty, but in a way that would 
make you both laugh? 

Let's have some fun, shall we? 

Okay, first ... telemarketers usually ask for either the husband or the
wife.  Let's say you're male, you answer the phone, and they ask for 
your wife.  Pause, take a deep breath, and say ... “speaking”.  Now, 
they're pretty much going to know right away that they're being had, 
but, still they'll ask “MRS. Soandso???”  Say “yes, can I help you?”  
Then, let them get about 15 seconds into their sales pitch and say “I'm 
sorry, I'll have to speak to my husband about this”, and hang up. 

Short.  Simple.  And fun.  You've both had a good laugh, and odds are
they won't call back. 

Now, let's try the more direct approach.  Let's say you're the wife, and
this time you answer the phone ... as soon as they ask for your 
husband, say “oh, you must be from the coroner's office ... you were 
supposed to be here 30 minutes ago to pick up my husband's body.”  
Then, listen.  See how fast they hang up. 

Let's say that a particular telemarketer is trying to convince you to
change long distance carriers.  Ask them if they have a discount on 900 
numbers.  When they tell you they don't, say “well, I've got to find 
somebody that does.  There's no way I owe (your current long distance 
service) $2800!”  Then, ask to speak to their credit department. 

Here's another method.  You're male, and a male telemarketer calls
asking for your wife.  In a snarly tone, say “oh, you want to speak to 
MRS. Soandso, huh?”  Then, hold the phone away from your mouth and yell 
“I'm supposed to believe this is a telemarketer?  This is that bastard 
you've been sleeping with, ISN”T IT!!??!!”  Then, hang up.  At least 
he'll have something to tell his co-workers on their next break. 

Here's a little extra added attraction to that last method.  Put a blank
pistol by your phone.  After yelling at your wife, fire the blank 
pistol and say “I TOLD you I'd do it” ... THEN hang up. 

And, here's yet another twist to that last method, one that let's you
get someone else involved.  Let's say you answer the phone, it's “them” 
again, and your wife is sitting near you.  Use some signal to let her 
know it's a telemarketer, and then, as you're trying to carry on a 
conversation, she yells “that's the BITCH, isn't it?  I TOLD her never 
to call you again.”  The sound of objects being thrown around the room 
will help in this case. 

Using the blank pistol in this instance can only be a plus. 

Here's a method that not only gets you off of the line, it keeps any
other telemarketers from calling you while you're busy.  When the call 
comes, and they ask for either husband or wife, say “just a moment 
please”, set the phone down, and ... walk away.  This actually works 
better if it's a portable phone and you just happen to be eating.  Set 
the phone down on the table, and let the telemarketer listen as you 
enjoy an unbothered meal with your family.  Conversations about bodily 
functions or betting losses are a plus. 

Try this ... when a telemarketer calls, say “just a moment please”,
press a key like you've got another call on call waiting, then start 
talking and act like you're talking to someone else.  Say something 


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