Snow White, A Western. Adult. (standard:humor, 2271 words)
Author: Oscar A Rat	Added: Jul 06 2020	Views/Reads: 1213/877	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Poor Snow had a rough childhood fraught with perils from an evil mother. She finds help from seven dwarfs and a cowboy prince.

When Bertha Simmons was a little girl living on a scratch-farm outside
of DudShot, Kansas, she was considered a pretty little baby.  Her 
family made a scant living working a hillside farm.  Their land was the 
cheapest in the territory, being on a thirty to forty degree angle.  
Her father and mother didn't mind a whole lot.  Being from Kentucky, 
they both had one leg inches shorter than the other from walking around 
the hills.  They could walk upright, at least in one direction, hopping 
on one foot while returning. 

Little Bertha though, was born normal.  Her early years were spent
trying to learn to stand on a slant, and to keep from falling down when 
she did manage to stand.  All those falls made an impression on the 
infant, literally, slightly flattening one side of her head.  Such an 
indentation that as a teenager Bertha grew her luxurious red hair 
longer on that side to cover it.  Bertha grew up to be a very beautiful 
girl, albeit a little strange.  Being a vain girl, and a lonely one, 
her best friend was her mirror. 

She was the only child within twenty miles and there were no schools
except for prairie dog schools.  Every afternoon, after leaving her 
furry friends, she would bring her homework home and spend an hour 
looking in the mirror. 

"Who is the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world?"  she would ask
it.  Of course, she always got the same answer back from a mirror that 
only saw her and her mother -- her old, fat, ugly mother. 

"You are, Bertha.  Ain't no one more lovely," the mirror would reply. 

Bertha would then give a little dance on the slanty floor and promptly
fall on her head again.  Actually she would roll downhill but be 
stopped by a bedroom wall. 

Well, eventually Bertha grew older and her parents let her go to town to
sell the cow for magic beans....  Oops, wrong story....  To buy the 
weekly apples.  Her entire family were apple addicts, but all they 
could grow were lopsided fruits, which weren't as valuable as round 
ones. 

At first, she tended to walk in circles. When her parents pointed her
north she would eventually end up in the town to the east.  Once Bertha 
grew up and found she was different, in that both legs were the same 
length and she could walk a straight line, the trip became a whole lot 
easier. 

Next door to the fruit store, there was a saloon, the "Long Branch
Sporting Man's Club."  One day teenage Bertha ran into the owner.  
After picking her up from a mud puddle, he offered to help clean her, 
now dirty, blue jeans.  The friendly man even took Bertha upstairs and 
showed her some nifty games to play while her jeans and underwear 
dried. 

Since she liked the games, she made a point of looking him up whenever
she came to town.  They were good games that she always won. And Mr. 
White would give her a nice shiny quarter when she did. 

After a few months, Mr. White even let her play with some of his friends
from the bar downstairs, and they also gave her nice shiny quarters. 

One day her father noticed Bertha's tummy growing larger. 

"What happened to you, girl?"  He often called her that, actually a lot
of other four-letter names too. 

"I guess I've been eating too many apples, Papa." 

Her mother came over to look. 

"Is that what they call them these days?"  Mama asked. "It's not the
apples that does it, honey, it's that long hard stem.  And eating 
apples or stem doesn't make you fat, child.  You haven't been too 
familiar with those prairie dogs at school, have you?  We don't want 
any mixed marriages for our girl." 

Soon after that, Bertha left the farm.  She married her friend, Mr.


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