Snow White, A Western. Adult. (standard:humor, 2271 words)
Author: Oscar A Rat	Added: Jul 06 2020	Views/Reads: 1215/878	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Poor Snow had a rough childhood fraught with perils from an evil mother. She finds help from seven dwarfs and a cowboy prince.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

White, and was now called Mrs. White.  The big change was that now Mr. 
White didn't give her any more quarters.  But he did make his friends 
give her silver dollars -- and he had a lot of friends.  He also 
allowed her to work in the bar downstairs and learn the whole business 
from the bed, up. 

Eventually the baby was born.  It also had legs that were normal, in
that they both reached all the way from its hips to the ground. 

Of course, when she married, Bertha brought her mirror with her.  She
always asked that one question and it, having some sense as to who was 
boss, always answered that Bertha was the most beautiful.  Even though 
while the baby grew older and more lovely, Bertha was becoming worn out 
from playing all those games with the nice men, day and night. 

Since by then Bertha often neglected the vain mirror -- all mirrors are
vain -- the little girl, named “Snow” or  sometimes “Snowjob” for 
short, soon had the task of cleaning the mirror every morning. 

Snow White was a nice little girl, who wasn't vain at all.  She never
bothered the mirror, only liking to shine it by petting the poor 
neglected thing with a rag like everyone should pet their mirrors. 

Snow grew up to be a teenager and gladly helped out at the bar.  Though
some of the customers offered quarters to play those games, young Snow 
White wasn't interested in money.  Her father, Mr. White, loved the 
little girl, which made his wife jealous. 

One day Bertha asked her mirror, for the
ten-thousand-three-hundred-one-jillionth time. 

"Mirror, mirror, on the floor, who's the loveliest little whore." 

Now remember, Snow had just polished the mirror and it was still in a
stage of euphoria. 

"Oh, Snow, Snow, Snow,"  it whispered back. 

"What?  You stupid bitch."  She slapped the mirror, cracking it, which
made the thing angry -- mirrors don't like being cracked and the only 
way they can get back at crackers is verbally. 

The mirror came back with all the nasty words it had heard during its
stay in the bar -- and that all the big male mirrors downstairs had 
taught it.  Those invectives drove Bertha out of the room while turning 
the air sky-blue. 

Bertha became just as angry.  She called a friendly woodsman over from a
back booth where he was carving a table leg out of a large log with his 
knife.  Making a table was a long drawn-out process in those days. 

"I want you to take my daughter, Snow, out and kill her.  The bitch,"
she ordered him, slipping a couple of twenty-dollar gold-pieces to the 
man, "and bring me back her heart to prove it." 

"H'okay, no problemo'."   In any case, the woodsman wanted to go out in
the woods to pick wild marijuana for himself. 

"Snow, come over here," Bertha called to her daughter.  "Go with this
man.  He wants to show you a new game." 

"Aw, Ma, I don't wanna play.  I'm cleaning the restrooms.  Wait until I
get done, Mr. Woodsman." 

"I said to go with him, and I'm your mother so you gotta do it.  The
book says so." 

So the woodsman and Snow White went out the back door.  They traveled
over the bushes and through the woods, where she stood and watched him 
roll a handful of joints from his plants.  While they smoked, he told 
her what her mother had said. 

"You ain't a'gonna do it, is you?" she asked, taking a pull and exhaling
while leaning back to stare at the blue sky. 

"Hell no!  I killed me a boar last night.  You help me skin and dress it
and I'll take its heart back to your mama.  She won't know the 
difference." 

So that's what they did, even playing a familiar game afterward.  She
let him keep his quarter.  Unlike Mama, Snow was no two-bit whore. 

While he went back to town with the heart, the little girl cut up the
boar, cleaned his shack and cooked half the meat for him.  Then she 
left, taking a few joints of pot with her, to find another place to 
live.  A very pragmatic little girl. Still having a heart, she knew 
better than to risk it by going back home. 

It was late afternoon when she came upon a good-sized wooden house
sitting next to a hole in the ground.  A strange place to build a 
house, she thought, through a still-hazy brain.  Well, might as well 
see if I can spend the night, she figured, finding the door unlocked. 

Nobody was home but she found a table with seven dainty little plates,
complete with big servings of lasagna.  Being hungry, Snow figured the 
owners wouldn't notice.  Taking her finger, she scraped and ate a 
little off of each plate.  Still hungry, she did it again, several 
times. 

Wandering upstairs, Snow White found seven little beds.  Might as well
take a nap, least until I hear someone come in the door, she figured. 

She tried all the beds.  One was too hard, another too soft.  One too
long, another too short.  One had cookie crumbs in it, and another had 
strange white spots on the middle of the sheet.  The last one was just 
right, and she fell into a deep sleep. 

At nightfall, the seven dwarfs left their mine -- the hole in the ground
Snow White had seen.  Tired and hungry, they trooped inside to their 
lasagna.  When Sleepy picked his up to put it in a microwave oven, he 
noticed a big chunk gone out of each side. 

"Who the hell's been eating my supper?"  he snapped.  The others all
looked at theirs too.  They all had been partially eaten, and Grumpy 
noticed some of his wine missing. 

"Which of you bastards has been at my wine again?" Grumpy grumped. 

"Who you calling a bastard, you asshole?"  Doc threw his plate at
Grumpy, which caused a fight between six of them, only Asshole 
abstained -- since it was his name, anyway. 

When Sneezy went upstairs to get his six-shooter, the fight finally woke
Snow White. 

"Hey, cut it out.  Can't a girl take a nap?"  she yelled from Grumpy's
bed. 

They turned to find the most beautiful girl they had ever seen, in bed
at that.  There was no way seven horny dwarfs could stay angry.  Doc 
broke out the wine and apples, and they all had a ball. 

Snow white drank more wine that night than she had ever done at the bar,
and ate more apples than ever before, spitting out the stems when they 
went limp and dry. 

After that, all eight of them got on handsomely, Snow White taking care
of the house while the happy dwarfs kept busy at the mine. 

*** 

Eventually, back in town, Mother Bertha made peace with the mirror. 
After giving it a nice coat of polish and fixing the crack with Great 
Western Crack Fixer,  she asked her question. 

"Oh, nice-looking old woman, your daughter still beats the hell out of
you in looks.  She's alive and with those grubby dwarfs right now," the 
mirror told her. 

Angry again, Bertha dressed like a witch and bought a basket of apples
from next door.  The local druggist had some of the stuff used on 
Cinderella -- that date rape drug.  Bertha soaked one of the apples in 
it, then went through the woods to find her daughter -- an evil grin on 
her face. 

On the way, she came upon Red Ryder, playing cards with Bart Wolf and
the three little prigs in their stiff black suits. 

"You guys know where I can find those seven little mining bastards?" 
she asked the group. 

The prigs only snorted, raised their snouts and ignored Bertha.  They
didn't want to hear that kind of language. 

The wolf was too busy looking at his cards, but Red Ryder stood up,
adjusted his gun-belt, and did a quick draw.  He fired a shot into the 
bushes. 

"Over that way, ma'am." 

As she started out in the right direction, Bertha saw Little Beaver
making buffalo sandwiches for the card players.  While the small Injun 
cut salami, the buffalo was busily spreading mustard on bread.  They 
looked so good she had to stop to eat. 

*** 

"Oh goody ... apples,"  Snow White exclaimed, not recognizing her
mother.  It wouldn't be much of a story if she had.  "I love apples." 

Snow bought an apple and, after washing dishes, ate it.   Her throat
still sore from eating dwarf apples the night before, a large chunk 
caught in her throat.  Instead of killing her, it slowly seeped enough 
poison to put poor Snow White to sleep. 

When the dwarfs returned home, they didn't know what to do -- except for
Pervert Dwarf, and they vetoed that notion.  He was the one with the 
white-stained sheets, from playing with rubber blow-up dolls in bed. 

They put Snow White into a nice glass coffin bought from Dipsney
Studios.  Not wanting to hide such beauty, they rented her body to a 
furniture store downtown to put on display. 

One day, a rich cowboy named "Duke" Prince saw her.  After looking
around -- Pervert was his cousin by marriage -- he opened the door of 
the glass case and gave Snow a strong, sucking, French kiss.  With a 
loud "Pop," the piece of apple in her throat came out and into his 
mouth. 

"Phu! Damn!  Rotten apple, yet," he cried.  Spitting it out he kissed
her again.  The second kiss woke Snow White.   Prince won both the game 
and the girl.  They were married and lived happily ever after. 

The End.


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