The Soul of Me (Part 4) (standard:drama, 4330 words) [4/11] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: May 04 2001	Views/Reads: 2739/2118	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is the fourth part of Heidi's continuing story. I hadn't intended on taking this route, but sometimes a story writes itself. Please read and send me your comments.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

blame.  She pulls away from their embrace and runs away.  Sadly, my 
parents walk down the green hill toward their lonely life together.  
Only Aaron, with a solemn look of regret and a single tear threatening 
to slide from his eye, still stands at the gravesite.  He looks into 
the hole where I will lie for all eternity, whispers softly “I’ll miss 
you, Heidi.” and tosses what he has been clutching tightly in his hands 
into the hole.  It is a book. _____________________________ 

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP...Another wonderful beginning to another wonderful
day.  Today I really did want to hurl that damn alarm clock across the 
room.  My head was pounding (for real this time), my throat was dry, I 
was so tired.  I couldn’t think of one a good reason to drag my butt 
out of bed.  I wish I could say the memories of the previous day came 
flooding back to me, but in fact they had never left.  I had restless 
dreams all night long.  I couldn’t really remember any of the 
specifics, but the dreams left me with a sense of sorrow and regret.  I 
wish I could remember them. 

I just wanted to stay home today.  I wanted to sleep.  I needed sleep. 
I craved sleep.  ‘No,’ I told myself.  “I can’t stay home.’  I told 
Jody I’d meet her.  If I didn’t, she’d panic and come looking for me.  
I would go to school today.  Put on my happy, nothing bothers me, 
everything is perfectly fine face and go to school.  I just prayed I 
could stay out of Kyle’s way. 

I took a quick shower, threw on a pair of jeans, a faded sweat shirt and
my tennis shoes.  I didn’t feel like eating anything this morning so I 
just grabbed my backpack and headed off to school. 

When I got to my locker Jody was already waiting for me. 

“Hi.  I’m sure glad to see you.  How are you feeling?”  Her smile was
sincere, but she still looked very concerned. 

“I’m okay.  I’m just tired.  I almost stayed home.” 

“Don’t bother with your books for first period.” She took my backpack
from me and put it in our locker.  Shutting the door, she pushed me 
toward the office. 

“Why don’t I need my first period books?  Why are we going to the
office?” I already knew the answer, though. 

“You’ve got an appointment with Mr. James.”  Mr. James was one of our
school counselors.  He was well respected on campus as someone students 
could trust.  “I went too see him as soon as I got here this morning.  
I didn’t tell him what’s going on.  I just told him that I had someone 
who needed to talk to him.  He said to come see him first period.”  She 
paused before continuing.  “Last night when I got home, I did some 
research on the web.  You can get help.  You can feel better.  The 
number one cause of suicide is untreated depression.  This is 
treatable.  Please don’t loose hope.” 

“Keep your voice down.”  I hissed.  The last thing I needed is for
someone to hear about my suicide attempt.  ‘So, was it actually an 
attempt?’ I wondered absently.  I didn’t actually take a pill or drink 
anything.  What is the statistical data on that?  Maybe I was just 
picking nits. 

She stopped me in front of Mr. James’ office.  “Do you want me to go in
with you?  I will.  I’ll be right there with you.” 

“Jody, do I really have to do this?  Can’t we just forget it, and go
back to the way things were?”  I was hoping she would cave and decide 
she was overreacting. 

“Do you really want to go back to the way things were?”  She wasn’t
angry, but she was extremely frustrated.  “Isn’t the way things were 
how you ended up at the brink of killing yourself?  Jody, please.”  She 
looked at me pleadingly.  “Just talk to him.  Tell him what you’re 
feeling.” 

“I can’t.  I just can’t.  What am I supposed to say, ‘Hi Mr. James.  I’m
Heidi Bennett.  I tried to off myself last night.’” 

“Maybe that’s exactly what you should say.  I’m going in with you okay?”
 She wasn’t waiting for an answer this time.  She knocked on Mr. James’ 
door and opened it without waiting for an invitation. 

Mr. James was sitting behind a large, unremarkable desk.  His office was
furnished just as you might expect a high school guidance counselor’s 
office to be furnished.  It was a small room with one window placed 
high on the outside wall.  This let light in, but allowed privacy from 
the students that passed by.  The wall facing the hallway also had a 
window.  Its curtains were closed.  In one corner stood a tall, tan 
file cabinet.  Against the wall under the curtained window were two 
serviceable chairs.  Behind the desk was a credenza on which stood a 
small inkjet printer.  Both the top of the credenza and the top of the 
file cabinet were cluttered with various books and binders.  The pale 
yellow walls were papered with educational posters - posters on 
sexuality, STD’s, substance abuse, violence, and suicide.  There were 
also inspirational posters.  Posters designed to lift the readers’ 
spirits and give them hope.  On the desk was a computer, a small table 
lamp, a desk calendar, in and out boxes, stapler, paperclips, pens, 
pencils, photos, a telephone...the usual assortment of desk 
paraphernalia.  The desk top was also cluttered with papers.  It 
crossed my mind briefly how unorganized he seemed.  Then again, a 
disorganized desk did not necessarily mean a disorganized mind. 

“Hey, Jody.  Come in, both of you.”  We walked into the room.  “Why
don’t you pull up those two chairs.”  He motioned to the two chairs 
under the window.  We pulled them up to his desk and sat down.  I 
wanted to run out of the room and as far away as possible.  As much as 
I wanted to, something was holding me back.  I don’t know if it was the 
thought of letting Jody down or if it was just the easy way Mr. James 
had of making students in his presence feel comfortable.  Whatever the 
case, I resigned myself to stay. 

Mr. James was a big man.  Like giant teddy bear – but with less hair. 
He was going bald and what hair he did have was turning from a golden 
blond color into a silver gray color.  He wore fashionable glasses over 
his lovely blue eyes.  I would guess is age to be about mid-40’s.  
Actually, he was quite distinguished looking.  This day he was wearing 
a white button down shirt with a light brown tie and tan slacks.  The 
tie had rulers, pencils, erasers, letter grades in red, and other 
school type icons on it.  Mr. James always wore a tie, but he never 
took it seriously.  They were always silly and fun.  Those ties were 
his trademark. 

“You’re Heidi, right?  Let me think...I know.  Heidi Bennett, right?”  I
nodded.  “I have a little harder time with last names, but I try to 
remember the first names of all my students.  So, you needed to talk to 
me.”  This was not a question.  He was waiting for me to begin. 

“Actually,”  I started.  “It was sort of Jody’s idea.  I guess she
thought I needed some help.”  I looked over at Jody.  I didn’t know 
what I expected her to say. 

“You do, Heidi.  You don’t have to go through this alone.”  She looked
back at me. 

“So, what’s the problem?  This sounds serious.  Heidi, you can tell me
anything.  That’s what I’m here for.”  I still didn’t know how to 
start.  “Would you rather we talk alone?  I’m sure Jody wouldn’t mind 
waiting outside.”  He glanced at Jody and back at me. 

“No, please let her stay.  If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here at
all.”  How could I start.  What could I say.  I could hardly understand 
myself.  How was I going to explain me to someone else. 

“Someone please tell me what’s going on.”  Mr. James was becoming
concerned. 

Jody looked at me questioningly.  I just nodded.  She began, “Mr. James,
I went over to Heidi’s house yesterday after school because she left a 
note in our locker saying she was cutting class and going home because 
she wasn’t feeling well.  I knew there was something else wrong.  She 
was feeling fine, better than fine, that morning.  When I got to her 
house, the door was open so I just went in.  I was calling her, but she 
didn’t answer.  I figured she was in her room so I went up the stairs 
and that’s when I saw her.  I thought she was just sleeping.  Then I 
saw a note on her computer screen, and pills and alcohol on her 
nightstand.  I thought... I thought...” that was it.  She broke down 
sobbing.  “She...she m...made me p...promise not to t...tell her 
parents.  I only promised because she agreed t...to let me h...help her 
find someone else to t...talk to.”  Jody couldn’t take the stress 
anymore.  She was sobbing uncontrollably 

I sat there stoically as she told her story.  Tears were silently
sliding down my cheeks. I felt embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed and 
weak. 

“Oh boy.”  Was all that Mr. James could say at first.  Quite a beginning
to his day, I’d say.  He recovered quickly and came around his desk 
holding out a box of tissue to the both of us. 

Quietly and gently he took both our hands.  “Heidi, you have a wonderful
friend here.”  I could only nod.  The tears were hot on my flushed 
cheeks.  “It’s okay.  You’re going to get through this.” 

I nodded again and reach out for Jody.  She turned to me and we clung
together neither of us willing to let the other go.  I held her tight 
as I cried out all the pain and misery.  With each tear I shed I felt 
better – lighter in spirit somehow.  I felt hopeful.  I wasn’t alone 
anymore.  I never was alone I just didn’t realize it.  All I had to do 
was open my mouth and ask for help.  That is exactly what I did. 

“Jody.  Mr. James.”  I looked at each in turn.  Mr. James was also
looking a bit tearful.  “I need help.  Please help me.”  I could barely 
get the words out, but I knew they were important.  It was the only way 
I could get back on the road to happiness.  At that moment I let my 
soul free.  It was free to live again.  No longer would I bottle my 
thoughts and feelings.  No longer would I feel worthless.  I was a 
beautiful human being with every right to laugh, love, desire, and 
want.  I would have to learn to cope with the pain I felt when others 
saw me as different, but I knew I wasn’t alone.  I could do it.  With 
help, I could do it. 

The three of us just sat there.  Jody and I still holding on to each
other.  Mr. James, kneeling at our feet.  In time I was able to release 
Jody.  I sat back and looked at Mr. James.  I took a deep breath and 
told them what happened, why I finally snapped.  I told them about 
feeling so good about myself yesterday, and how Kyle had dragged me 
down hard and fast.  I tried to express how I felt, that every taunt 
every tease, every odd look affected me – made me feel less than I 
might have been.  To express something I didn’t really understand 
myself was very difficult, but when I finished, it was enough...for 
now.  “What happens now?”  I asked. 

Mr. James looked thoughtful for a moment.  “Well, I think the first
thing we need to do is find someone who can counsel you on a regular 
basis.  I have a friend, her name is Karen Lane,  who can probably help 
you better than I can.  Can I contact her for you?  Maybe make an 
appointment for you to start meeting with her?  She’s a psychologist.  
I trust her completely.  In fact, I guarantee you’ll like her.  She’s 
caring and understanding.  I will always be here for you.  My door will 
always be open, but I think Dr. Lane can really help you better than I 
can.  We’ll work together, the three of us.”  Jody started to say 
something.  “Okay, the four of us. Actually, lets make that the six of 
us.”  I wasn’t sure who else he was talking about.  “Heidi, I have to 
call your parents.”  I started to object.  “Before you start objecting, 
listen to me, okay?” 

I  nodded again. 

“Let me ask you some questions okay?”  I nodded again.  I was the master
of conversation, today. 

“How are things at home?  Do you get along with your parents?  Do you
parents get along with each other well?” 

“I know what you’re getting at.  My family life is good.  I love my
parents.  They love me.  The love each other.  They rarely fight.  Let 
me guess.  My family loves me so I shouldn’t be thinking about killing 
myself.  My problems aren’t that bad.  I don’t have bad parents.  I 
don’t abuse drugs or alcohol I can’t be having these feelings.  Well, 
let me tell you, yesterday my parents’ love, my happy home life, it 
wasn’t enough.”  I was starting to feel angry.  “How can anyone put 
parameters on what or how someone should be feeling.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying at all.  Yes, there are generalizations that
are made, but no one is the same.  We can all feel different even if we 
experience the same event at the same time.  The generalizations do 
assist family, friends, and even professionals.  They give us clues as 
to what an individual may be thinking.  You’re absolutely correct.  
Generalizations, guidelines, parameters these can’t tell us what or how 
a person is feeling.  I would never even suggest that.  You have every 
right to feel how you feel.  No-one can take that right away.  
Hopefully we can help you deal with the pain you are feeling.  Suicidal 
thoughts can often occur when a person’s feelings of pain are more than 
their coping abilities or resources can handle.  It’s our job to help 
you find ways to deal with your feelings and hopefully lessen what is 
causing you pain.”  He stopped for a moment.  I know this was not easy 
for him.  “Please don’t think that your feelings are being negated. You 
feel how you feel.  Feelings of suicide are a normal result of 
overwhelming pain. This pain, this emotional pain, can cause 
depression.  Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide.  
Depression is treatable.  You will get through this.”  He squeezed my 
hand as he said this.  This was almost exactly what Jody had said to me 
earlier.  I almost believed them. 

He wasn’t done.  “What I am trying to say is that because you do have a
solid, loving home life it is just that much more important to get your 
parents involved.  They will be a tremendous support for you.  They 
love you, and they need to know what’s going on.  Why don’t you want to 
talk to them?” 

“I don’t want to hurt them.  I don’t want them to worry.” 

“Heidi, they are your parents.  They’ve been worrying about you since
the day you were born.  They will always worry about you.  As far as 
hurting them, do you think they would be more hurt about what happened 
and how you are feeling, or more hurt when they find out you didn’t ask 
them for help.  They’ll want to help.  They’re your parents.” 

It was a little difficult to argue with his point.  I started to, but I
stopped myself.  He was right.  It would be different if my parents 
were the cause of my pain, but aside from wanting to be perfect for 
them, they have nothing to do with the suicidal feelings I was having.  
They’ve done nothing but love me.  I was quiet for a moment.  I finally 
broke the silence.  “Will you talk to them for me?” 

“Of course I will.”  Seeing the look of fear on my face he said  “Don’t
panic.  I won’t worry them when I call. I can handle myself with 
parents pretty well.  We’ll wait till we get ‘em here - then we’ll 
worry ‘em.”  He gave me a wink and a smile.  “I’ll call Dr. Lane, too.  
Maybe we can all meet and find a way to help you begin to work this 
out.”  He looked over at Jody who had been silent all this time.  Her 
eyes were dry, but her worried look never wavered.  “You’ve handled 
this situation very well.  Heidi is lucky to have a friend like you.  I 
know you want to help.  I think the best way for you to help is to 
listen and to be there for her.  For now, though.  I think you both 
ought to get back to class.”  Looking at me.  “Heidi, do you think 
you’re up to it?” 

“What about Kyle?  I don’t think I can handle him today?”  I really
didn’t. 

“Do you have any classes with him?” 

“No.  We just have the same lunch period.” 

“Not any more.  I’ll have his schedule adjusted.  School should be a
nurturing environment.  The harassment of other students cannot be 
allowed.  I won’t be able to manage it today, but I’ll have his lunch 
period changed no later than Monday.  I will need to talk to the 
principal about this situation, but I promise I won’t tell anyone that 
doesn’t need to know.  If Kyle harasses you in any way I want you to 
come straight here, okay?” 

“I will.” 

“Okay.  I’m going to try and plan the meeting with your parents during
your lunch period, so Kyle won’t be a problem for you today.  Just come 
straight here at that time, okay?  Second period is almost over, so why 
don’t you two go back to your locker and get the stuff you’ll need for 
your next classes.  I’ll write you a pass.  You can just sort of loiter 
around – quietly – until the bell rings, okay?  You’ve only got about 
15 minutes anyway.” 

“Thanks for being so understanding, Mr. James.  I appreciate it.  I’m
really glad Jody made me talk to someone.  I just hope my parents can 
handle this.” 

“They can.  Have faith in them.  Have faith in yourself.”  He wrote two
hall passes and handed one to each of us.  “Now go on, both of you, and 
don’t cause any trouble.  Heidi, I’ll see you later, okay?”  He smiled 
and I was reassured. 

I smiled back.  “Okay, I’ll see you at lunch period.  Thanks again.” 

Jody and I slowly walked back to our locker.  “I owe you a lot, Jody.  I
feel bad for putting you through all of this, but I’m glad you were 
there for me.” 

“Please don’t feel bad.  You don’t owe me anything.  You’d have been
there for me if I needed you.  I know you would.  That’s what friends 
are for.  I just want you to know that you can always talk to me about 
absolutely anything, anytime.”  We had reached our locker.  I was 
opening the combination lock.  “If you need to talk after your meeting 
at lunch, please come and find me.  You know my schedule.  I’ll be 
there to listen.  I’ll always be there.” 

“I know.  I might just do that, too.  We’ll wait and see how it goes. 
I’m a little nervous.”  Just as I opened the door I saw a piece of 
folded notebook paper flutter to the floor.  I picked it up and looked 
at it.  On the outside of the paper was my name printed neatly. 

“What’s that?” asked Jody. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Well open it and see.” 

I opened the paper and read: 

Heidi, 

I sure hope you’re feeling better and are back at school. I wasn’t sure
you would be since you didn’t call me back yesterday.  If you are, 
please meet me in the library during your lunch period. I’d really like 
to talk to you.  If you’re not here today, I guess I’ll try and call 
you again tonight. 

Either way, I’ll talk to you later. 

Bye, Aaron 

Aaron.  I forgot about Aaron.  How could I forget he called yesterday. 
He saved my life and he doesn’t even know it.  I wanted to talk to him. 
 I wanted to see him.  How could I meet him.  I had an appointment 
during my lunch period. 

“When did he call you?.”  Jody had read the note over my shoulder. 

“I’m not sure when it was.” I lied.  “I saw the light blinking on my
answering machine when I went up after dinner.” 

“So, what are you going to do?” 

“I don’t know.”  I said, but I did.  I think maybe the meeting was going
to start without me. 

************************** 

What you read here should not be considered advice.  I really don't know
much about dealing with the extreme feelings of suicide that Heidi is 
experiencing except for what I've read.  Much thanks goes to 
www.metanoia.org.  If you need help and you need a place to start - 
visit this website. 

Thanks for reading.  As always - comments are welcome.
mayacute2@hotmail.com. Part 5 coming soon. 


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