Just because it's free doesn't mean it's free (standard:humor, 903 words)
Author: Godspenman	Added: Feb 26 2012	Views/Reads: 2604/1777	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Whenever somebody mentions the word "free" in my presence my right eye turns a vivid jaundice. It is not that I have anything against the word free; just the person who is trying to use it to gain some kind of an advantage over me. I know anybod

Whenever somebody mentions the word "free" in my presence my right eye
turns a vivid jaundice. It is not that I have anything against the word 
free; just the person who is trying to use it to gain some kind of an 
advantage over me. I know anybody employing this mono-verbiage, is 
hiding some very long strings. 

My father taught me a long time ago that there are no free lunches.
Occasionally somebody will advertise a free lunch and I go and find out 
the lunch is free but they are going to charge you to get out of that 
restaurant. In the end, it would have been cheaper to buy my own lunch. 


My philosophy is simply this; if I cannot afford it, I do not want it.
In my vast experience down through the years, I have discovered that I 
cannot afford free. And I think I know why. My understanding of the 
word "free" and the person employing that word is not the same. 

When I use the word "free," I am insinuating that there is absolutely no
cost associated with this product whatsoever. 

When others use the word "free," they often are insinuating that I am
just a free market for them to take advantage of in the neighborhood of 
my money. Unfortunately, I do not live in that neighborhood anymore. 

I especially do not accept any "free offers" via the telephone. If
someone has something to give me for nothing, let him come to my door, 
hand it to me, shake my hand and get out of Dodge. To me, that's what 
free is all about. 

Just the other day I received one of those telephone calls. I must
confess that I was in a rather curmudgeon attitude and was just looking 
around for someone on which to spit my scorn. 

Then the telephone rang. 

When I answered the phone, it turned out to be someone offering me,
absolutely free, with no cost to me absolutely, a free crime prevention 
program for my blessed domicile. 

"No thank you, sir," I said as politely as I could. "I'm not really
interested." 

I assure you I have no PhD or DD attached to my name whatsoever and yet
as simple as I am, I understood what the phrase "I'm not really 
interested" was all about. Not so my affable telephone caller. 

"But I assure you, sir, that this program is absolutely free to you.
It's our way to say thank you to some of our customers." He rattled on 
as though we were having only a one-way conversation. If this is going 
to be a one-way conversation, who will take up the offering? I think I 
know. 

After five long minutes of him telling me how important it was for me to
have security in my home and how his product was absolutely free to me, 
I finally got a word in edgewise. 

"But I have my own security system, thank you." 

There is a slight pause and then he said, "What is your home security
system, if I may ask?" 

All right. I will confess right now that I had a wee bit of naughtiness
on my mind, but in my own defense the telephone caller opened the door. 
I always believe where there is an open door somebody ought to step in. 


"My home security system is called, Napoleon-two-Claws, and furthermore
I'm quite satisfied with it." 

There was another pause on the other end of the phone and I heard
someone clear their throat and then ask, "I've never heard of that 
program. What is ‘Napoleon-two-Claws'?" 

You know what it is like when you are trying not to laugh and it is
about all you can do not to laugh? For a brief moment, I felt a little 


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