The Loss of Innocence (standard:other, 1009 words)
Author: Smackybuttox	Added: Mar 26 2001	Views/Reads: 3584/3	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
I reminisce on a study break

The Loss of Innocence By Smackybuttox 

The Bible says “Blessed are the Meek, for They Shall Inherit the Earth”.
I think as I take a drag on a Camel Turkish Gold cigarette from a brand 
new pack. I taste the coffee-like flavor of the cigarette and take a 
breath before taking another drag. The air doesn’t taste as tinny since 
the alcove I’m smoking in is shielded from the bitter wind. I take a 
rest on a slanted wall protruding from the face of the library and 
continue daydreaming. 

I haven’t inherited shit. The only people I really remember inheriting
the earth are kids whose parents own a good deal of it anyway. They 
aren’t traditionally meek. Actually, as I recall, they beat up the meek 
because the meek are usually convenient targets. I really wonder how 
the hell such a bullshit statement became such a common saying. I can’t 
remember seeing a single person who is meek after building a million 
dollar house on the earth he inherited. 

I can, however, remember crying. I’ve done a lot of that in the past few
years. Scarcely a week goes by without a bout of crying anymore. Cry, 
and wonder if I could have done something different. I cry and regret 
the past. I wonder what the hell I did wrong. 

I remember being in love. I remember walking up to a Barbie doll-type
blonde on a retreat my senior year in high school. I remember the warm 
morning sun refracting off that nearly transparent peach fuzz girls get 
on their face. It wasn’t man-ish, it just reminded me of her humanity, 
and made her look even more beautiful. 

I remember walking up to her and asking a heartfelt question after
walking the hardest forty-three steps of my life. She said yes. I 
remember feeling as though I had ascended into heaven. I remember 
feeling like I was Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. It was like the 
very earth had lost most of its gravity, and the slightest step could 
propel me for meters. I felt like I could conquer the world. 

Then she started ignoring me. It didn’t take long to happen, maybe three
hours or so after I had asked. I felt a confusion that fueled an anger, 
which I feel to this very day. I remember feeling as though I had been 
cast out of the heaven to which I had so quickly ascended. More than 
anything, I remember her walking on the arm of our football team’s star 
fullback. 

I remember the months leading to our prom. It had been basically decided
that Barbie-doll would go with our star fullback, but still I wouldn’t 
go with anyone else. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go. I wanted to go 
so badly, but somehow I couldn’t bear to go without her. I knew that if 
I had seen her there, I would have ruined my date’s night as well. I 
just felt that I would have hated my date because, no matter how great 
my date was, it wouldn’t be her. 

The better part of my prom night was spent with my parents. They must
have decided to take me out to dinner since they knew I wasn’t going. I 
assume they were trying to cheer me up. It didn’t work. The rest of the 
night was spent with my head buried in a pillow so my parents wouldn’t 
wake up to my crying. I felt as though I was going to die. The sweat 
was pouring from my body like blood from a gaping wound. 

I’m not sure exactly when the flashes started, since I had lost track of
time. I just know that one minute I was crying and talking to God at 
the same time, next I had these flashes. These flashes weren’t like a 
hot flash or anything like that. It was as though my eyes were 
electrocuted. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt liquid shock, but it was 
as though my eyes and the nerves connecting them to my brain felt this 
incredible liquid shock. 

What I saw was for the most part unexplainable. Some things made sense,
some didn’t. I know that I saw a building that I’ve wanted to build for 
years, being built. I know I saw the Barbie-doll and the fullback 
getting pictures taken. I saw myself, as an old man, at a big desk 
signing papers. I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning writing. 

I don’t know what the hell that was, nothing like that has ever happened
to me before, and I hope that nothing like it ever happened again. I 
assume it was some kind of seizure brought on by dehydration, I assume 
that I lost a lot of water. They say that when the mind suffers, the 
body cries out- I guess something happened to my body. 

That’s how I got on this train of thought. I’ve always been shy.  I’ve
always been a nice guy. I’ve always been meek. That isn’t what matters 
in life, apparently. All that matters anymore is if your ship is coming 
in. It matters if you are rich, or successful, or good-looking. If you 
aren’t, you get ignored. You get your heart broken. 

As I recall, the fullback’s dad was an anesthesiologist, and the
Barbie-doll’s dad is a successful surgeon. Neither of them are meek, as 
a matter of fact, I don’t know two people that have easier times 
talking to people. Both of them are at Ivy-league schools, both are 
going into business, and I assume that both of them are going to be 
wealthy. Like I said, the meek don’t inherit the earth. 

I finish my cigarette, and decide to go back in the library and study. I
go back inside, find the elevator, and hit the button for the fourth 
floor. I find my way to a study carol, open my book bag, and pull out a 
piece of loose-leaf paper. I figure it might be therapeutic to write. 


Tweet