WHEN THE GODS WALKED THE EARTH, part 1 (standard:humor, 6747 words) [1/2] show all parts
Author: Art by Assiliym	Updated: Nov 15 2006	Views/Reads: 3406/2189	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is draft 2 of the story. It modern version of the old Greek mithology.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

he coughed, mumbling something under his nose. “ I didn't hear you!” 
cried the king and advanced toward the philosopher. “ There as much 
peasants at the park as hairs in my beard!” The king frowned and looked 
down from his window. “ I don't believe you! There is not enough hair 
in your beard for every peasant in the green!” “ I have more than 
enough! I even have more hair in my beard, than stars in the sky” “ If 
is not truth, I will shorten you with one head!” said the king and 
personally started to count the hears in his beard.  “ One, two, 
eleven, one thousand and one...” The whole night passed but the king 
wasn't finish even with half it. “ Your majesty,” Diogen yawned from 
boredom and scratch his forehead. “ I can help you to finish it 
faster.” “ What do you want me to do?” “ Just bend a little and close 
your eyes!” Digen had hidden one improvise club in his keg (in the old 
days he was using it to scratch his back or to mix the wine). One 
treacherous idea came up in his mind and he decided to use it. “ Is 
this ok?”  king Tubby asked. “ Perfect!” Diogen laughed and waived the 
club. The club almost annihilated a colony of lice. The poor little 
thing where political prisoners, running away from the crazy kingdom of 
Babacumba. Only three of them, who were familiar with the law of 
natural selection, were able to survive. “ Wow!” the king was so prod 
of himself. “ I am greater astronomer than Kopernik!” When the other 
astronomers was using devises to see the stars and they was able to see 
it only during the night, the king saw it with a naked eyes. “ Falling 
star, falling star!” king Tubby jumped from happiness. “ Make a wish!” 
Diogen said. “ It's a lucky star!” The king made wish, not knowing that 
the bump on his head blossom and strange flower with blackthorn leafs 
gave a fruit. Let now leave the fruit to the bees and go back to our 
story. 

“ So was the king able to count the peasants?” asked Ivan. “ I don't
know if he was able to count them, I know only that the hit from the 
club or the bees made him smarter than before. And maybe little more 
stingy. “Let the peasants sit on the grass,” frowned king Tubby.” They 
should be happy. Alas they have free food. And none is asking for food 
stamps!” Food stamp was a great invention of Diogen. He was so lazy to 
go to the kitchen to get his food. Instead...” “ Hold down!” Ivan 
frowned, rising his eyebrow. “ You want me to swallow that? I told you 
I will treat you at the pastry shop if you tell me some nice story, but 
I won't take this non sense!” Dan looked at the fat boy and smile “ 
Well, I can tell that you are not picky with your food. “ “ Even bear 
don't dance on hungry stomach, smiled Ivan...” “ Well”,  Dan pretended 
that he didn't hear his friend and continued, “so instead going to the 
kitchen, he put his name on piece of paper and send one doltish peasant 
to bring him the dinner. The king loved his idea so much, so he printed 
the first Food stamps. Some greedy merchants would take advantage of 
the drunken peasants and trade their food stamps for tokens for the 
nude bars, but that was other story. “ So what you suggest?” king 
Tubby, touched with love the three hears that was growing freely on his 
head. He tried to push it down but the last surviving hairs where so 
naughty and it would never listen. Actually wasn't them, who was bad; 
the naughty one was the three little lice. Their names was Franco The 
Mob, Chucky Cheese and Leonardo the Genius. Leonardo the Genius was an 
inventor and he made surfing boards from the dandruff of the king. 
Every day from morning to evening the three little lice would surf on 
the king's hair. From overused his hair become so thin and eventually 
only three hears left. “ What we would do now?” Frank the Mob asked. “ 
Well we can visit the island kingdom of  Babacumba. I hear they have 
waves, high as Licezila.” Licezila was a giant lice, returned from the 
shadow kingdom of Hades. “ Well, lets go!” The three little lice left 
their residence and run ... like the wind. Run Leonardo. Run Franco! 
Run Chuky! The waves are waiting for you! After a week on the beautiful 
beaches of Babacumba ( riding not only the waves but also the local 
babes) , the three little lice felt homesick. “ I missed out nest!” 
Leonardo said and almost cried.” I want to go back home!” The three 
little lice took the Lice Track Express and few hours late arrived 
home. “ Someone laid in my bed!” cried Chucky. Leonardo rushed toward 
his bed and cried loud “ In mine too!” Franco the Mob locked the door 
and pulled out his gun ” None is getting alive from here!” “ Here is 
the marauder!” Leonardo cried triumphal. “ You, what you doin here?” 
ask Franco the Mob with Sicilian accent. The fat tick almost jumped 
from the bed, when saw the gun in his face. “ Don't shut! I am the 
plumber. I almost passed out from the sewage fumes and took a little 
map!” “ Oho, sleeping on the job!” Leonardo smiled. “ I want so see 
what your supervisor would say!” “ Pour little lice! I feel so sorry 
for you! You don't know that the mayor is my cousin?” The lice opened 
his mobile phone and dial 311. “ Give me the mayor Stanley... 
Aha...Ok.” Five minutes later 5 lice with a city badge were standing 
inside the house of three little lice. “ I 

see here at list 32 violations!” one of the inspectors said. “ I am
shutting this place down!” said 

the second one. The three little lice stood by the door and wept
silently. Was nothing they could 

do. The old inspector was no one but Scrooge Almighty himself. Nothing
could soften his heart. 

Even Fabreze. Anywhere, back to our story. “ We should start as soon as
possible, cried out Diogen the Keg.” These hungry mice will eat our 
ears... “ Well, let the peasants start the celebrations than. If they 
run out of food, they can suck down naked bones!” “ What is holding the 
Gods so long?” asked Diogen. “ I can't understand that. Usually they 
are the first to arrive!” “ Maybe something happen to them, interrupted 
Ivan.  Maybe Zeus did let them to go to the party.” “ I don't know what 
happen, but king Tubby decided to go ahead and proceed with the 
festival. The peasants were so hungry, they didn't wait for other 
invitation. The rabble were struggling to swallow the stale dark bread 
and the stringy meat, washing them down with the sour red wine, that 
more resemble vinegar, than real wine. In same time in the palace the 
kings and their noble attendants were treated to a lavish dinner. You 
could only dream the food that was served: steaming, fragrant bread, 
roasted piglets – no older than three months, with red apples stuck 
into their mouths, their tender meat melting on the palate, partridges 
stewed with mushrooms and quail eggs, freshly salted bonitos, smoked 
herrings, spicy frog legs in salsa served with diced potatoes, 
delicious lamb brains, and even rarities such as caviar...” “ Your 
killing me!” Ivan slammed his hand on the table. “ Cut this part short, 
will you? Get to the chase, Dan. Give me the story! 

Dan pushed his spectacles up to the bridge of his nose and signed. “Okay
then. So, anything you can think of, it was served at that abundant 
banquet. Better, now? While the noble guests were feasting, skillful 
jugglers displayed their sleight of hand. The feasters gasped when the 
king's brother turned into a hog and came out of the huge garbage can 
in the corner. Lissome dancers in transparent veils twirled into the 
hall. “ Dan smiled, when he saw his friend licking his dry lips. “ 
Hungry chicken dream for corn,” he laughed. Ivan looked at him 
furiously, but Dan ignored him and continued with the story. “Those 
heads were not yet spinning from the wine went giddy with their 
graceful dances. A group of fire-eaters appeared. They were so hungry 
they even ate the flames of the torches illuminating the throne hall. 
When the dessert was served, a gang of jesters started throwing cakes 
at each other. “ “ Hey!” Ivan barked. “ That's Silent movies. You want 
me to believe that?” “ And you think, I made up for you? “ Dan frowned. 
“ Well, believe me or not, that was the first cake battle in the 
history of mankind. When all feasters were stuffed with food, soaked 
with wine and smeared all over with icing, the king raised his fingers 
into the mid-air and announced the feats completed. Since than if 
anyone in the kingdom wanted to say something, they had to rise their 
fingers.  King Tubby dashed under the table like a fish in the ocean. 
His crown rolled down the thick carpet all the way to the opposite 
wall. A doltish servant thought it was a wheel and placed a tray on it. 
He rolled the tray up and down the table and the dirty dishes were 
piled onto it. That was the invention of the first rolling tray in 
history. “ Ivan narrowed his eyes. “ Another of your non sense. You 
expect me to swallow that? Dan shrugged, “The technology was borrowed 
2000 years later by an unscrupulous American inventor who patented the 
conveyor belt. Look it up. In fact, the conveyor belt had been invented 
in ancient times as a dirty dish-transporting device. Anyway... 

Three days passed in eating, drinking and rushing to the Royal
Evacuatory (a bucket of water with some soap of the Little Orange 
Riding Hood brand).” “  Little Orange Riding Hood?” “ You are right, 
Ivan,” Dan said. “ Some of the guests complained and insisted that the 
finer brand Snow-White & the Eight Dwarfs be supplied. A real dwarf was 
supplied instead: the royal jester who was small and humpbacked; he 
boasted not one but two hunches. Some of the guests argued that dwarfs 
were not supposed to have hunches but the jester's ones were removable 
anyway. When he had been sent on a specialization to the dwarfs' house 
(learning how to polish diamonds on the job and pawing Snow-White in 
his spare time), he had equipped himself for a hunched image, should 
Snow-White's friends turn out to be hunchbacks. Double-hunch dwarfs 
were as rare as nine-headed dragons. Of course, the jester also had the 
option to throw off the hunches and join the dwarf socialist movement. 
Ever since King Baldhead had launched the perestroyka in the 
neighboring kingdom,” “ Hold down, Dan. Are you lost your mind? “ No, 
why? Ivan lowered his voice and almost whispered. “ You know if someone 
hear us, what we are talking, we will get in real troubles. “ Dan stood 
up and looked around. “ It's deserted. Don't be sissy. So, since King 
Baldhead had launched the perestroyka in the neighboring kingdom, those 
dwarfs had suspended their communist party membership and had declared 
themselves socialists. Being a socialist was the latest fad there... 
Anyway, back to our story. 

On the fourth day of the festivals, the king organized a hunt. All noble
guests as well as the gods were invited. The Minotaur was taken out of 
the royal zoo. It had the monstrous head of a wild boar with giant 
tusks, and human legs. He was closely related to the centaur: a 
half-human, half-equine creature. The Minotaur was the king's skeleton 
in the closet: having once overindulged in drinking, the queen missed 
the door of the royal bedroom and went to the royal sty instead. The 
Minotaur was the result of that unfortunate blunder. “ Hold down,” 
interrupted Ivan. “ I am not stupid. I thought the Minotaur has a head 
of bull? Or this is different kind of Minotaur? Dan smiled like a Devil 
and laughed “ What do you expect if the queen shagged with the ... 
royal pigs?” “ I see now.” “He who kills the Minotaur shall gain the 
hand of my daughter in marriage,” the king announced. 

All guests turned to gaze at Princess Pumpkin. Strangely enough, her
name was Pumpkin, although she rather resembled a head of cabbage that 
had been kicked about quite a while. Or maybe little more. Anyway, the 
princes and the nobles started scratching their heads absent-mindedly, 
and picking their noses, probably in the hope of finding rubies, opals 
or other precious stones. Some started a dig site for diamonds, because 
it was forever. While they were probing their noble nostrils, the king 
realized he ought to boost Princess Pumpkin's market value. 

“He who kills the Minotaur shall gain the hand of Princess Pumpkin in
marriage, and a roasted pumpkin!” 

The guests went on scratching their heads, for none of them was overly
keen on pumpkins. 

The king found himself in a quandary. Despite all his efforts to find a
fiancé for his daughter, Princess Pumpkin was as lonely a bee as ever. 
Finding a drone had proved a hard task lately, for all drones were 
extremely busy. They were attending no less than half a dozen lectures 
on Marxism-Leninism daily. One of them had even embraced Stalinism and 
had attempted to install a dictatorship on the little island of 
Babacumba. “Princess Pumpkin and a pumpkinful of diamonds, rubies and 
emeralds,” the queen announced. 

After that memorable night at the royal sty, she had become markedly
more resourceful and sharp-witted. The king gave her the control over 
the Ministry of Finance and the Royal Reserve. The wise queen founded 
the First Trade Bank that later developed into the International 
Monetary Bank which granted loans to poorer kingdoms. If they failed to 
pay back, the Bank would send repo men with impressive midsections and 
even more impressive big clubs. They used their clubs to squeeze 
whatever they could from ordinary folk, and if someone failed to 
deliver, he was dispatched promptly by the Flying Dutchman Express 
Airmail Service to Muka. Muka inhabitants were ordinary folks from the 
far away eastern kingdoms, known for their attempts to build communism, 
but as they used sand as building material, their sand castles would 
collapse at the end of the day and they would start again the following 
morning... Hence the expression “Mukan sand castles”, meaning something 
short-lived... 

The Minotaur, who had never before seen such a crowd, was scared and
started weeping in a human voice. 

“Mummy, I want home,” he cried. “ To the queen?” Ivan asked. Dan nodded.
“ but no one actually guessed why. The noble guests thought the monster 
had wetted himself in fear, and needed to go to the royal bathroom. It 
was hunting time, though, and the poor Minotaur was refused even that 
minor earthly pleasure. The king, a secret admirer of the Marquis de 
Sade, kicked the Minotaur viciously, and his boot's high heel sank 
painfully in the beast's behind. His boots was made by Gusachi himself 
and had 12 inches high heel. The Minotaur gave an almost human scream 
and took to flight towards the forest. Before the stunned nobles had 
managed to mount their noble mares, the Minotaur disappeared in the 
thickness of the forest, never to be seen again. 

Suddenly, shouts were heard in front of the palace: 

“Don't torture the beast!” 

“Don't kill the Minotaur!” 

“Better naked than in furs!” 

These were the nobles' wives, chanting and jumping about naked. “ Wow. I
like that”, Ivan smiled and his eyes shined like of fox when seen a 
lost chicken. “ All naked ah?” “ Well, there was some fish netting, but 
not much. The nobles forgot about the hunt and dashed in pursuit of the 
beautiful nymphs. The hunt was a complete failure, and the first ever 
movement of animal defenders had a smashing success. 

“He who kills the Minotaur shall win the hand of Princess Pumpkin in
marriage, and three pumpkinfuls of rubies and diamonds...,” Queen Pate 
screamed in a desperate attempt to save the hunt. 

“A-hem, and a kiss from Queen Pate,” King Tubby put in. 

“Three pumpkinfuls of gems and a kiss from the Queen's lips,” the jester
repeated, brandishing his scepter. 

We still remember that the king and the jester were so look alike,
almost like two beans. His name was Marisko and the only difference 
with the king was his hunchback. Actually it wasn't a real hunchback. 
The only reason he had it, so he could join the Union of the Court 
Jesters.  The king was the only one who know about the hunchback and 
sometime he dressed like the jester, so he could see what the people 
think about him. King Tubby loved to play practical jokes on his 
nobles, they thought he was the jester and gave him a few good kicks in 
his royal behind. This is why the king was in the habit of padding his 
pants with a small cushion, which acted as a royal shield when, need 
be. 

The new offer stirred the nobles to action. Their eyes brightened up;
whether with passion or with greed, it was hard to tell. Queen Pate's 
lips had made her the winner of the prestigious Most Erotic Kiss 
pageant several years in succession. Her lucky husband was universally 
envied. Rumors went that the queen's lips were as soft as silk. Some 
said they were as sweet as honey; others, that they were as hot as 
flames; still others, that they had the flavor of wild mint and were as 
seductive as a nymph's...In reality, anyone who dared touch the queen's 
lips was promptly beheaded. Despite that, even many of the Olympian 
gods were secretly in love with Queen Pate. They had to be discreet 
about their feelings, however, because their wives the goddesses were 
extremely jealous and would fly into a rage at the news of such love 
affairs. Their eyes flashed lightning bolts no one could survive. The 
unfortunate godly womanizer was reduced to a smoking pile of ashes. 
After a few unfortunate gods had suffered that fate, the surviving fans 
of Queen Pate rushed to Hephaestus the god of fire and fell on their 
knees before him. 

“We beg you,” they pleaded with their eyes full of tears. “Make shields
for us, or we're history!” 

“What shall I get in return,” the god of forge asked. 

“Well,” stammered the gods, unable to come up with a solution. 

Being gods, they had everything one could possibly have... everything
except the Hesperides' nine apples. 

“Make us shields and we'll get you an apple from the Hesperides'
garden!” 

“Deal,” the blacksmith god agreed and started hammering. 

The apples from the Hesperides' gardens had amazing magical powers. They
could transform the ugliest human or god into a quintessential of 
beauty, comparable only to Apollo. The god of fire had goat's legs, a 
hump and a horned head, and was invariably the other Olympians' object 
of ridicule. No goddess, no river-dwelling nymph, no mermaid in the 
sea, no fairy would yield to the goatish god's advances. Thus, when he 
was badly in need of a lay, he had to go down to Earth and seek the 
services of harlots. A fine piece of jewelry would get him the desired 
female attention. This is actually how the first brothels were created. 
The god of fire was by that time fed up with paid love and dreamed of 
having a home and a family. His ugliness, however, was a major 
obstacle... 

Queen Pate's admirers left Hephaestus busy with the forging of the
shields, and headed for the Hesperides' gardens. They were guarded by 
vicious Lamia.” “ Hold down, boy!” Ivan frowned. I thought that 
Cerberus is the guard to the gardens of the Hesperides! 

“ Cerberus was already retired and decided to try as back singer in new
popular band “ Who let 

the dogs out. ”Actually he wasn't a bad animal like everyone thought ,
he just wanted to be a 

famous musician. Once he barked “ New York, New York” in the front of
three dog jury for the 

popular “ Animal Idol “ contest. One of the judges was a mean Chihuahua
with funny looking 

fur and even more funny accent from a far away Southern kingdom. She
told him, that he has 

most fake voice amongst  not all living things, but also the dead and
the ghosts.  That was the last 

worlds of the unfortunately jury, but was also the end of Cerberus
musical carrier. “ Maybe you 

should try in the opera!” told him this cousin, the wolf named Puchini.
“ I am a conductor and all 

my musicians are sheep. “ “ Great idea,” said Cerberus and applied for
the famous Milano scala. 

Unfortunately for Cerberus, he didn't have the required Roman
citizenship for the job (he held 

only the Greek citizenship)and his application only hold dust on the
bureau of the bureaucrat 

from Human resources. So finally Cerberus decided to try his carrier as
a rock-star musician. In 

his place  Zeus put monstrous Lamia instead. The Lamia had the head and
torso of a woman, 

enormous dragon wings with iron claws and lower half of her body was
serpent. Her weakness 

was children, she would consume them grilled, baked and fried. “ 

“ You are disgusting!” Ivan interrupted him. “ How could you say
something like that!” 

“Well, it a true.” Protested Dan. ” She was a real cannibal. “ 

“ Yea, right. Just like baba Yaga, I bet.” 

Dan nodded and added, “Actually, she had also a dangerous erotic
appetite for men. 

Back to our story. The Gods hide in the bushes and waited for Lamia to
fell asleep. 

Every time she would fell sleepy, she would pill a piece of her snake
skin from her chest and 

chewed it.” 

Ivan hold his stomach tightly, almost ready to puke. “ Ewww, you are
nasty man!” 

“ He, hehe. “ Dan laughed. “ Actually was really testy. Just like a
menthol gam.” 

“ Yes, like a Tic-Tack.” 

“ Exactly!” smiled Dan. “ The Lamia was obsessed with her breath. She
wanted her breath to be menthol-fresh. 

“ How the Gods would get in?” wondered Ivan. 

“ Well, they were so desperate, so they start to pluck their hair. “
How?” Ivan wandered. “ One by one or all together?” “ I got no clue. I 
know that they plucked so much hairs, enough to knit ropes for the 
entire Greek navy. The Goods didn't want to be accused in 
discrimination and they equipped the Persian navy too. Finally one of 
them jumped and exclaimed, “ I know how. Eros the gods' messenger will 
help us!” 

The naughty young god's arrows had unusual powers. Those hit by them
fell immediately and desperately in love. The object of their feelings 
might be ugly, disgusting, with a foul breath, lame, one-eyed, 
hunchbacked, crippled or imbecile, but through the eyes of love he or 
she looked beautiful, with a breath of mint, a voice like the spring 
breeze, the body of Apollo and the wisdom of Athena. Anyway, after 
searching for a while, the gods finally found the mischievous archer 
and sighed with relief. 

“Our sweetest, dearest friend,” they began, falling on their knees
before him. 

“Okay, okay,” the boy frowned. “How come that everyone asks for my
services? Did anyone ever ask if I wanted anything?” 

He raised his bow and shot an arrow into Lamia' heart. It flared with
love. The first creature the serpent - women saw a moment later was a 
mule grazing idly by the Hesperides' gardens. In the eyes of the 
love-filled, he looked like a magnificent dragon with scarlet scales 
and peacock-blue eyes. 

“Now watch the horsefly,” laughed Eros and opened a small box. 

Eros was a mischievous fellow who enjoyed playing practical jokes on
gods and mortals alike. 

The mule gave a loud neigh and galloped off, the amorous Lamia in his
wake. 

“Have no fear my love,” Lamia cried out passionately and spread her
enormous wings. “I won't hurt you! How could I ever hurt my sweet 
beloved with the bluest eyes!” 

Indeed, to her he was the most beautiful creature there ever was, the
most fragrant flower in all nature. Never for an instant did she 
realize that her sweetheart was a shortsighted, lame old mule with few 
teeth left and fur, cultivate by a colony with noble laces. By the way, 
this is the origin of the phrase “love is blind”. Now let leave Lamia 
was trying to catch her sweetheart, so she could give him a big hug, 
why not even a kiss for Saint Valentine's Day and see what happen to 
the gods. The gods who were in love with Queen Pate sneaked into the 
garden and stole a few apples. 

When they went back to Hephaestus, their shields were ready and waiting
for them. The gods gave Hephaestus an apple and he ate it right away. 
Ugly as he was, not even the magic apple could make him as handsome as 
Apollo, but at least it attenuated his ugliness and turned one of his 
goat's legs into a shapely human leg.” “ What about Hephaestus other 
hoof?” asked Ivan. “Very simple”, nodded Dan. “ He arrived at a 
solution quickly: he hid his ugly leg in the folds of a magnificent 
toga. He scrutinized his reflection in the mirror surface of a shield 
and, evidently satisfied, rushed out of his smithy and down to earth. 

He spent a week spying on a mermaid who was swimming by the Isle of
Bliss. His heart was overflowing with love. He finally appeared on the 
shore, covered by his toga, only his shapely leg exposed. 

“Sweet Violet of the Seas, 

My fair lady, 

Come to the shore, 

To your sweetheart's call,” he sang. 

The priestesses of love later adopted his stance. 

Here Dan stopped and looked at Ivan smiling mysteriously. “ You,
inexperienced lover-boy, if you ever encounter a butterfly of the night 
with one of her thighs exposed, do not rush for her. You should first 
look inside the folds of her skirt whether her other leg is not a goat! 


The mermaid responded to Hephaestus' love call and came to the surface. 

“What are you hiding there?” she asked, for she was an exceptionally
curious mermaid, and before the god could stop her, she lifted off his 
toga. 

“Oh no!” Hephaestus cried desperately and limped away. His toga fell
off, revealing his hairy goat's leg. 

“You hairy goat!” the mermaid laughed. “Baa-baa!” 

She laughed and laughed and couldn't stop until her fish's tail split in
the middle. She screamed and rushed to the bottom of the sea where her 
father Poseidon, the god of the sea, lived in a huge coral palace. He 
stitched the mermaid's split tail with two crabs and she was again able 
to swim. 

“Where is the chief security officer,” Poseidon shouted angrily. 

“Here I am, Master,” a jellyfish replied. 

“Where have you been you scoundrel,” the god of the sea roared. “What
did I want you to do? You had a single job: the princesses' safety! How 
did you do your job? You left Princess Violet alone in the face of 
danger and see what happened! Death is what you deserve! Executioners!” 


The sharks came up. 

“You know your job.” 

“You,” the king then addressed an elderly octopus, “as of today, you are
appointed as chief security officer in charge of my daughters' safety. 
Remember what happened to your predecessor in this post and watch out, 
or you may come to the same end!” 

“I will guard the princesses like my own tentacles,” the octopus
promised. 

“You'd better do that,” Poseidon frowned. “You'd better do that!” 

Back to our gods, they were trying to sneak out of the Olympus but their
wives were on the alert. The flame of revenge flared in their eyes, and 
as soon as the first god had slipped out of the giant copper gates, a 
bolt of lightning hit him in the back. The adulterous husband was 
reduced to a pile of ashes. 

Terrified, the gods rushed back to Hephaestus' smithy. They found him
angry and frustrated. 

“I want another apple,” he demanded. “With this leg,” and Hephaestus
uncovered his ugly goat's hoof, “I'll be a laughingstock for all 
creatures of the sea!” 

“Make us second shields to cover our backs and we'll give you another
apple,” the gods promised. 

Hephaestus rolled up his sleeves and grabbed the bellows. An hour later
the gods had the much desired shields, and the smith got another apple. 
Hephaestus ate it quickly and waited eagerly for the result. Indeed, a 
well-shaped one replaced his ugly goat's leg. Hephaestus now boasted 
perfect thighs that could make even the goddess of love Aphrodite green 
with envy. His only drawbacks left were his hunch and his horns. He 
covered his upper body with his robe, and headed for the shore where 
the mermaids were swimming. 

“Star of the Sea, 

My fair lady, 

Respond to my call, 

Come to the shore,” he sang passionately, swaying his shapely hips. 

Immediately, a curious mermaid came to the surface and swam up to him to
take a better look. His graceful legs amazed her: herself, she had an 
ugly fish tail, and only in her dreams did she have such legs! She swam 
to the shore and they started kissing, Hephaestus melting like wax at 
the mermaid's passionate embraces, but she suddenly discovered his 
hunch. 

“Hunchback! I thought I was kissing an Apollo but I was kissing a Humpy-
Dumpy instead. She stopped for second thinking for a rime 

Humpy- Dumpy on the beach You are ugly like a leach! 

She laughed, and laughed, and laughed until her tail split right in the
middle. 

Frustrated, Hephaestus limped back to his smithy, while the mermaid
rushed to her gather Poseidon's coral palace. The king of the sea 
wondered why his daughter Star of the Sea had come back with her tail 
split just a couple of hours after the same had happened to her sister, 
Violet of the Sea. “ “ I know what he did!” triumphal cried out Ivan.  
He promptly stapled her tail with three crabs.” “ I'm so sorry. I 
almost forgot you are the noble professor I know everything. ” Dan 
laughed and continued. “ Poseidon called the chief security officer in 
charge of the princess' safety. The unfortunate octopus was handed over 
to the executioner sharks. 

“You good-for-nothing,” Poseidon thundered. “I entrusted to you my most
beautiful flower, and what did you do? Executioners, you know your 
job!” 

“Master, have mercy on me,” the octopus begged but it was too late. 

“You,” turned Poseidon to an old turtle, “As of today you are in charge
of the princesses' security. Stay on the alert! If a hair falls off 
their heads, I'll rip your shell off and throw you into boiling water. 
Is that clear?” “ Yes, your majesty. Your wish is my will!” 

Meanwhile, the gods who were amorous of Queen Pate were trying to sneak
to the palace of King Tubby. Unfortunately, their wives were on watch 
and saw them file out of the copper gates. However, the gods were 
equipped with two shields each: one in front, one behind, and the 
furious goddesses could not hurt them. They showered lightning bolts on 
the gods but could not penetrate Hephaestus' magic shields and hurt 
them. 

“Aim for the heels,” a nightingale chirped. “Aim for the heels!” 

The gods' heels were exposed and vulnerable, unprotected by the shields.
Diana immediately sent a lightning bolt that hit the treacherous 
Achilles in the heel. Achilles screamed and started to jump up and down 
like a chicken in a pod with hot water. The Gods knew that Achilles was 
sometime odd, but to dance in the middle of their escape from Mount 
Olympus? “ Poor Achilles! “ said Apollo. “ I can't believe it he dance 
without music. It's almost like a silent movie.“ He took out his golden 
harp and beautiful music filled up the mid-air. Achilles continued his 
fire dance, named late on “ kazachok” , until he  collapsed on the 
ground without any strength. The goddesses felt so sorry for him, so 
they quickly finished him with a few lightning bolts and turned him 
into ashes. Hence the expression “Achilles' heel”. The surviving gods 
screamed in terror and rushed back to the smithy. 

Curled up by the bellows, Hephaestus was weeping bitter tears. 

“Those... mer-maids... they... don't... like me,” he wept. “They hate my
hunch! Oh please give me another apple! I'll do anything in the world 
for you!” 

“You'll have it, but first make us something to cover our bare feet!” 

“That's not easy,” Hephaestus frowned. “It'll take three hours but if
one of you is ready to help with the bellows we can manage faster.” 

“What should I do then,” he wondered. Before long, he sank into deep
meditation. In his youth, he had spent a few years with some goat-lamas 
in Tibet and had learned the art of meditation. 

“So when do we start,” one of the gods nudged him. “You've been sitting
like this for two hours!” 

“Leave him alone,” said Ares. “I also do that meditation thing before a
wrestling bout.” 

Ares had won no less than five medals in the Greek Olympic Games and had
retired without a single loss. No man could ever defeat him in 
wrestling... 

“Got it!” Hephaestus opened his eyes. “I'll make you metal shoes.” 

“What's this thing shoes,” Ares asked. He was not too familiar with
fashion and did not know the meaning of words such as “miniskirt,” 
“bra” or “bikini”. 

“Shoes are a bit like sandals,” Hephaestus explained. “Only they are not
open at the back, and cover the entire foot.” 

“Oh I see,” said Ares and pressed the bellows. The fire blazed. 

Two hours later, each of the gods was equipped with a pair of metal
shoes. 

“I've got blisters on my hands,” Apollo complained, waving his soft
hands. 

“But you do want to kiss Queen Pate's luscious lips, don't you,” Ares
laughed. “No pain, no gain!” 

Anyway, Hephaestus also did a few more improvements, tied the two
shields together and made some metal gloves for the gods' hands. He 
also made protective plates for their legs. The god of forge then 
stepped back and admired his work. 

“Now give me that apple,” he claimed. 

The amorous gods put on their new armor and rushed to the copper gates
of the Olympus, while Hephaestus ate the third apple. 

A miracle then happened! His hunch began to shrink, his posture
improved. Minutes before he had been stooping like an old man, and now 
he was as slender as a pine tree! His body was perfect; if it were not 
for his pointed horns, he would probably be more handsome than Apollo. 
The god of forge wound a turban around his head (this is actually how 
the first turban was invented: its purpose was to hide Hephaestus' 
horns), and headed for the shore. The Blessed Mermaid Isle was the 
favorite swimming place of Poseidon's young daughters, and he was 
hoping to meet one of them...” 

Dan suddenly fell silent. 

“Five minutes break,” he said. “I'm tired of talking.” 

Ivan sighed and waited patiently for his friend to go on with the
story... 


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