Humpty Dumpty (standard:Flash, 519 words)
Author: James C. Bernthal	Added: Jan 23 2006	Views/Reads: 3480/4	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Following the sucess of Jack and Jill, here's my monologue for Humpty Dumpty... feedback is always welcome

Yes, you probably have.  Well, who hasn't heard of me?  After all, it
makes such an amusing little rhyme.  Don't you agree? 

My autograph?  My dear little person, how in God's name am I supposed to
sign something without my hands?  No, no, please don't apologise.   I 
get this all the time 

You look very fond of your dinner, little girl.  Take this advice.  No,
listen to me.  Listen!  Stop eating now or you'll get morbidly obese 
like me.  I've been told that I resembled a giant egg when in my prime. 
 I'd always assumed it was because of all the shiny medals the king 
gave me, which I though resembled the wrapping on Easter eggs.  
Evidently not. 

Anyhow, I suppose that like all the others you want to hear the story. 
Did you know I'm first in line to an Earldom?   But it is relevant.  
Don't roll your eyes, you dubious female – I know where this story's 
going.  You don't.   Shut up! 

Like I was trying to say, brat, my real name is The Right Noble Sir
Humpledink Strange of St. Dumpty.  That's in Suffolk.  I was knighted 
by the king for my work in the army.  He owed me one. 

So, here's how it was, and God only knows how sick I am of recounting
this.  You know the great wall of the Dumpty Estate?  The tallest wall 
in Britain, I believe.  And as soon as my parasitical father dies it 
will belong to me.  So I figured it would do no harm to climb to the 
top and sit on it.  That way I could see for the first time just how 
much estate was coming to me, and I could look at glorious England.  
That was my reasoning. 

Of course, England wasn't at all glorious.  It was under fire.  It was
at war.  One of those missile things came right at me.  Down I fell.  
2,000 feet. 

It's just a miracle that that bouncy castle was there to break my fall. 
It was a great fall.  But I fell into pieces nonetheless. 

No doubt you derive great pleasure from recounting my near-death 
experience over the dinner table, but do you have any idea how...  how 
very painful it is for one to lose one's arms and legs because of one's 
unnaturally large weight pressing down upon them?  Believe me, it's not 
nice.  Agony...  And I hate having to bring it back. 

Then for some obscure reason, they had the army try to salvage my
disjointed limbs to take to the hospital ahead of me.  Obviously, being 
thick as bricks as they are, they clearly thought it would be funny if 
all the limbs went missing.  I believe I saw some sort of corporal 
trying to smoke something ungodly out of my arm. 

Prosthetic arms?!  You must be joking.  Tell me that's a joke. 

Shut up.  I haven't got time for you.  But thanks for coming, anyway,
Emily. 

Can I get you anything?  Coffee? A digestive biscuit?  There are some
scrambled eggs in the kitchen, next to the spam.  Anything for my 
favourite granddaughter. 

THE END 


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