The Birds and the Bears (standard:humor, 898 words)
Author: Jim Spence	Added: Apr 16 2002	Views/Reads: 3720/3	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
more apt than calling it the "birds and the bees"

The Birds and the Bears 

Did you ever stop and wonder where the expression “the birds and the
bees” comes from?  I know, it's supposed to be the talk we all have 
with our kids when they're old enough to understand sexual 
reproduction.  I can certainly understand the bird part of it, since 
most birds seem to reproduce in the ordinary way (though the concept of 
having sex while suspended in the air seems to be a bit much to discuss 
with children) – it's including bees in there that confuses me. 

After all, we're trying to teach our children about the normal act of
reproduction, including monogamous relationships.  Bees have monogamous 
relationships?  I was never any good at biology, but it seems to me 
that a bee hive is made up of millions of members, yet only the queen 
has children.  So, you're telling me that there are 500 thousand male 
bees having sex, and only one female bee?  That has to make a whole 
bunch of female bees mad.  No WONDER they sting. 

We try our best to explain sexual reproduction to our children, using
the birds and bees analogy, and then we breathe a sigh of relief when 
they say they understand what we're explaining to them.  A lot of 
parents start explaining sex to their children when they're quite young 
– after all, kids are curious, and they ask the darndest questions.  
So, we sneak a little lesson in every now and then, hoping to build up 
to the day when they become more specific with their questions, and 
don't accept “because I said so” as an answer.  There is always 
literature from a doctor, and books done quite tastefully for children. 
 Yet, the expression “the birds and the bees” remains steadfast in our 
minds to mean sex. 

I've never had sex birdie style.  In fact, I don't think I've ever had
sex more than a few feet from the ground, and I've certainly never had 
it suspended in the air.  Maybe if I was a member of the Mile High 
Club, I could claim to have done it birdie style.  And, I damned well 
know I've never done it bee style, either.  Something about the thought 
of having sex with a woman that's doing everybody in town is a little 
disquieting. 

If we have to choose an animal to equate to sex, how about a bear? 

Bears walk on two legs some of the time.  Bears are a whole lot closer,
anatomically-wise, to humans than birds or bees are.  Male bears are 
always looking for food, and female bears are very protective of their 
children; very human like, don't you think?  Birds, on the other hand, 
seldom walk, aren't closely related to humans in any way, and spend 
most of their time relieving themselves on freshly washed cars.  Now, 
bees aren't even in the ball park when it comes to anatomical 
comparisons to humans.  They don't walk at all ... and we've already 
discussed their “queen gets it all” sexual proclivity. 

Male bears act very fierce, yet cower at just about anything that moves
towards them (very human like).  Birds run from everything (somewhat 
human), and bees don't ever back away from a fight (definitely not 
human). 

Female bears aren't afraid to approach a human, if it means food for
their children (again, very human like).  Female birds rarely eat out 
of your hand ... do you know any man that can say his lady eats out of 
his hand ? (So, somewhat human like).  Bees don't eat at McDonalds 
(totally un-human). 

There is one area that I can think of in which birds might closely
resemble humans.  I can say this with certainty because I have owned 
birds.  Birds, at least those alone in their cages, spend a great deal 
of time masturbating.  In fact, female birds masturbate more than male 
birds do.  But, if birds do parallel humans in this area, that's 
because 90% of all male birds lie and say they don't masturbate. 

Male birds, however, have a tendency to have sex with other male birds. 
The act of sex between birds takes mere seconds.  I guess it's 
confusing, all those feathers and all.  They fly up ... BAM ... it's 
over.  “Oh, sorry, Ralph, I didn't realize that was you ... my bad.”  
So, in some ways – very human like. 

Bees?  Who knows?  There's probably been some study done by our federal
government to find out what percentage of bees masturbate.  For the 
life of me, I can't think of any valid reason to know why.  Probably 
means something to the honey industry.  It's scary to think that the 
honey industry has a lobbyist. 

Just between you and me, the thought of a bear masturbating is
disturbing. 

Bears have live births (just like humans).  Birds hatch from eggs (very
uh-human like), and bees ... well, to be honest, I'm not really sure 
how bees are born, but I'd bet good money it's not like us. 

So, given all of this, wouldn't it make more sense to refer to sexual
reproduction as “the birds and the bears”?  We sure have a lot more in 
common with bears than we do with bees.  In fact, the only thing about 
bees that makes sense is honey.  Male bears love to eat honey. 

And, as everybody knows, human males love to eat their honey, too. 


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