The Real Story of St. Patrick. Adult A little different than expected. (standard:humor, 1006 words)
Author: Oscar A Rat	Added: Jul 09 2020	Views/Reads: 1229/918	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A lonely sheep herder brings Christianity to Ireland.

“Baaaah!” the sheep cried as they munched on sparse grass in the hills
of Eire. Dumb animals, you never heard a complete tune like, “Bah, 
bahhh, bbbaaah, baaa, ba, ba.” Just one “baaaah” after the other, all 
day long, with an occasional “baaazzzzzzz” in the night. 

Patricius Calpurnius was used to it. Ever since being captured at his
home at Bannavem Taburniae in England, he had been tending the sheep. 
Kidnapped at sixteen, he had spent almost two years there, so far. It 
wasn't a bad job, but lonely and below minimum wage. 

Since the Irish couldn't get any Irishman to do the work, they had to
lure or capture Englishmen for the job. Who would willingly spend a 
lifetime looking up sheep butts and shoveling shit? "Only the English," 
was the cry. The Irish loved to spread the stuff, but not shovel it. 

Patricius, or Patrick in Gaelic, heard an all-too-familiar cry. “Urkk,
baaaaaa, urkkk, baaaaaaaa.” 

Running around a rock, the boy spied a pesky aardvark mounting one of
his sheep. Patrick grabbed a rock and flung it at the creature. Not 
being a very good shot with a rock, it hit the sheep instead, the large 
aardvark not noticing. It didn't miss a stroke as the sheep sank to its 
knees, and then belly. 

Finished, the aardvark looked around as Patrick ran toward him. With a
loud “Urrrkk” it took off into the rocks. Sighing, Patrick picked up 
the contented female sheep to carry back to the herd. 

Looking around, he saw a certain large rat sitting on a high rock. It
sat on its butt and hind legs, body raised and watching the activity. 
Angry at the aardvark, Patrick spoke to the rat for the first time. 

“Why didn't you stop him? What good are you, rat? Just sitting there and
watching him rape my sheep?” 

The sheep looked up at Patrick with dreamy eyes, as if to say "What
rape, Kimo-sabe?" 

The rat simply shrugged its shoulders and smiled. 

Later, the aardvark, carefully looking around first, came up to the rat
and gave it a small copper coin. 

“Thanks, Raticus. That was the best sheep you've found me yet. I loved
it when she lay down on her stomach.” He waved his tail and left. 

You see, Raticus Ratreagan was a Gaelic pimp and a rich Druid rat, and
that was how he stayed that way -- a rich Druid rat. 

*** 

The next day, Patrick was daydreaming of having his first sex -- with
someone besides himself, that is. He lounged against one of the many 
rocks and watched his sheep jiggling their behinds at him, 

Patrick wondered what human women were like? He never even noticed
Raticus standing next to him. 

An experienced pimp, Raticus recognized the symptoms, even in a human. 

“Hey, boy,” Raticus asked, “you wanna get laid?” 

“What's laid mean?” 

“Spend some time with a girl, stupid, doing the old bouncy, bouncy.
Boom, boom, pant, pant, wink, wink. You know what I mean?” 

“Uh, uh. Miss Kennedy fixes breakfast for me sometimes, and I'm with
her. She's fat and ugly, though.” 

“Na, I can get you a nice juicy young girl ... for two sheep a night,
that is?” 

“Two sheep? I dunno. The boss would be after my butt if I did.” 



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