Smoke That Cabbage. 3.7k Humor. A very special type of veggie. (standard:humor, 3662 words)
Author: Oscar A Rat	Added: Jun 13 2020	Views/Reads: 1338/984	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Blastoff Jones, an inveterate drugie and cabbage farmer, plants a batch of experimental cabbage seeds from a family scientist. Raising a heavily hallucinogenic product, he sells some to a local grocer. The result is chaotic.

If you were to walk along a narrow path between cabbage fields, deep in
the backwoods of Kentucky in the month of March in the year 2015, you 
might have found a modern one-story brick building. Inside, in a "clean 
room," would be a man in a white coat and respirator. 

The equipment in that room would have confused a nuclear scientist. Half
of Doctor Jackson R. Jones Phd. Dxp. Xyz, and a longer string of 
degrees, workshop had been both designed and built by him, and for him 
alone. 

One of the most brilliant, as well as secretive, brains in the world, he
was currently working on a pet project -- one suggested by a relative 
nicknamed Blastoff Jones. Blastoff was so named for his ability to 
mentally shoot from Earth to outer space, figuratively speaking. 
Blastoff normally had enough residual marijuana or other drugs in him 
to hit ten-thousand feet at will. 

Dr. Jones had himself been one of the original hippies in the seventies
and sympathized with his nephew. He attributed his own success to 
constant use of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide (LSD), which he had made for 
himself since the sixth grade. His skill, including its sales, had paid 
for an education, meaning no huge student loans to pay back. Was it any 
wonder that Doctor Jones was in favor of illegal drugs? 

At that time, to help his nephew, the good doctor was experimenting with
isolating select sections of Deoxyribonucleic Acid from Cannabis Sativa 
plants and splicing them to those of a member of the Brassica Oleracea 
Capitata group of the Brassicasceae family. More specifically, the 
strings that developed Delta-9-Tetrahydrocannabinol and Cannabidiol. 

That is the way a brilliant scientist thought. To the rest of us, it
means taking the active ingredients from marijuana and splicing their 
DNA into common cabbage seeds. The idea was that cabbages could be 
found everywhere and were easy to grow. Blastoff himself owned a 
cabbage patch and, although not too bright, knew how to grow those 
veggies. 

"Now Jasper -- Blastoff's given name -- I'd suggest you plant each of
these batches of seeds in different widely-separated areas. That way we 
can study their various effects without cross-pollination. Using the 
results, I can further refine the process. Understood?" 

"Yep, Unc. I's done got ya." 

Of course Blastoff forgot and planted them at random, not paying any
attention to the labels on the sacks. Remembering later, and 
embarrassed, he also posted the labels at random over the freshly 
planted field while waiting for the crop to mature. 

*** 

"Damn," Blastoff muttered to himself, looking over his cabbage patch,
"look'it that. Will ya look'it that?" 

Almost overnight, the patch had become covered by cabbages of every
color, shape, and size. Red, purple, and bright orange. Many were as 
large as basketballs or as small as oranges, some shaped like 
footballs. A few of them even pulsed with blue lights like a police 
car, though most looked like ordinary green cabbage plants. 

Well, he thought, at least I know which came from each sack. Now I gotta
figure just which sack. 

Happily, he picked a few of each sort and took them into his ramshackle
house at the edge of the field. There, he spent many happy hours in 
testing them. 

Blastoff tried eating raw cabbage and dried some in the oven of a
wood-fueled cooking stove, also rolling other leaves into cigar shapes 
to smoke. Being sick of eating cooked cabbage, he tried everything 
except that method. Although he tried to keep records, it was hard. 
Hard because he was high 98% of the time. 

The ordinary-looking plants were the only ones that didn't give him at
least some immediate rush, so he sold them to local markets which had 


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