Items not on my New Year's resolution list (standard:humor, 904 words)
Author: Godspenman	Added: Dec 30 2018	Views/Reads: 1588/1176	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
When God sets the table, he expects me to feast, and I do not anticipate disappointing Him.

It is typical this time of year to prepare a list of resolutions for the
coming year. I believe this goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden 
when Adam said to Eve, "I think I'll turn over a new leaf this year." 
And so the tradition has come down to us today. 

Normally, people will make a list of all the things they will give up
during the ensuing year. All kinds of bad habits find their way on the 
list like smoking, drinking and other nefarious activities. Of course, 
nobody actually plans to keep his New Year resolutions but the act of 
writing them down on a piece of paper seems to give a sense of 
accomplishment to people. 

One of the big things on the resolution list has to do with diet and
losing weight during the coming year. I have often wondered why this 
seems to be number one on most of those New Year resolution list. Even 
Yours Truly has succumbed in years past to attend this resolution on 
his list. 

This year I discovered why that is so high on people's list. It begins
with Halloween and all of the candy that is consumed. Now, there is a 
purpose behind all of this. And it is only recently that I have put it 
all together. And to my loyal reading fans (both of you) I would share 
with you the wisdom of my muse. 

The reason it starts with Halloween candy is that candy is sweet. This
sweet serves to prime the pump, so to speak, for the eating frenzy that 
is about to begin. Approximately 3 weeks following the Halloween candy 
blowout comes Thanksgiving. 

When our forefathers did a Thanksgiving dinner, they had to chase the
turkey down and kill it themselves. Following that, they had to pluck 
the feathers, clean the turkey, stuff it and get it ready for roasting. 
All of this activity burned up all the calories from the Halloween 
candy frenzy. 

Now, all we do is pop it into an oven and the most activity we have is
bending our elbows to see how fast we can get the turkey from the plate 
into our mouth. Even though this activity is quite strenuous it 
actually burns no calories whatsoever in the process. 

If it was just the turkey it would not be so bad, but nobody can eat
turkey without all the culinary accoutrements. Roast turkey without a 
generous slice of pumpkin pie is the closest thing to blasphemy that I 
know. 

No sooner has the Thanksgiving dinner settled in our stomach, it is
Christmas time, and all of the parties associated with Christmas. 
Nobody can refuse a Christmas party with all the delicacies that had 
been so meticulously prepared. When I go to a party, I think it rather 
rude not to indulge in the party snacks. 

I like to join organizations right around the October keeping a sharp
eye out for the annual Christmas party. Soon after the New Year, I 
dropped out of that organization. Call me a slacker, if you wish, but 
in my book, the Christmas party is worth the subterfuge. 

Then there is the marvelous family Christmas dinner. Need I say more? 

So we come to New Year's Eve. By this time, everybody has eaten so much
that hardly anybody can take another bite. Not only that, but many 
people feel guilty for eating so much during the holiday season. 
Others, like me, are made to feel guilty for eating so much during the 
holiday season. 

To deal with this sense of guilt many people make a New Year's
resolution to go on a diet during the coming year. 

Many years ago around this time of the year, I made a drastic tactical
error. It had been a particularly good holiday season with many parties 
and Christmas dinners. I was feeling rather expansive at the time and 
sighed deeply and said, "After all that eating I should go on a diet." 

Quick as a wink the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage took that as a
cue and responded, "I think that's an excellent idea. That will be your 
New Year's resolution for the coming year." 


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