Pleeeease Don’t Say You’ll Go Fight For Me, Mr. Candidate (standard:humor, 914 words)
Author: Godspenman	Added: Jul 31 2016	Views/Reads: 2083/1433	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
I can always count on God to fight my battles.

Lately I have been listening to political campaign speeches, which has
helped me catch up on some sleep I have missed in the last two years. 
Don't get me wrong on this issue. It is not that I am bored with this 
whole business. It is simply the fact that if you have heard one 
political campaign speech, you have heard one too many. 

I once read about a politician making an impressive campaign speech
sometime after the Civil War. 

“Fellow Citizens,” he bellowed passionately from his campaign stump, ”I
have fought against the Indians. I have often had no bed but the 
battlefield, and no canopy but the sky. I have marched over the frozen 
ground till blood has marked every step.” 

By the time he finished with his speech everyone was impressed with his
illustrious record. Everyone, that is, except one old codger in the 
back of the crowd. Loud enough so the speaker could hear he said, “By 
golly, if you ain't done enough fer your country. Go home and rest. 
I'll vote fer the other fellow.” 

Our country sorely misses that “old codger.” 

One common thread in campaign speeches, I have noticed, is each
candidate wants to go to Washington and “fight for me.” 

I want to go on record and say that I am not mad at anyone, really.
Honesty compels me to admit that I do not have any charitable thoughts 
toward the Devil, but that is where I draw the line. In many regards I 
am a pacifist and I will punch anyone in the nose who says otherwise. 

That is the trouble with our country today. Everyone thinks he can solve
his problem with violence and looks around for someone to fight. I am 
violently opposed to violence in any fashion (except my wardrobe which 
makes a malicious fashion statement). Politicians should set an example 
and stop fighting. 

If these candidates want to fight for me, what I want to know is where
were they when I was in the third grade and Ricky Callahan beat me up. 
I sure could have used a fighting hand back then. As far as I know, all 
of them looked the other way while I got my nose bloodied and I have 
not forgotten. 

Time has healed my wounds and I cannot think of anyone I am mad at, with
the exception, maybe, of politicians who insist on fighting for me. My 
advice is, don't fight for me, Mr. Candidate. 

I do not need a politician to fight for me, but they could do something,
if they have a mind to (and try to find one with a mind). 

For example, start with bringing me a hot cup of coffee each morning. I
have a hard time getting awake without that Java Jolt. My day would be 
a lot better with this bedside service and I would even supply the 
coffee. 

Another little chore around the house that needs expert attention is
taking out the trash. I say expert because we try to recycle at our 
home. My wife has a saying around our home: A bag for everything and 
everything in the bag. One morning I awoke and found myself in a 
garbage bag on the back porch. I'm sure it was not intentional. 

Each candidate has some solution to balancing the National Budget.
Forget about the national debt. I could use some help balancing my 
checkbook each month. 

No matter how often I add those figures, I never get the same result
twice. The best I can do is add up the figures at least three times and 
then take the average. 

Those politicians boast of how they will handle International Affairs.
As for me, time could be better spent helping me with some neighborhood 
affairs. I am not too concerned about the dog in Baghdad. The dogs 
running around my neighborhood have me all hot and bothered. I would be 
eternally grateful for an amicable solution to this problem. 

Once a politician is in office, he spends a lot of time passing House


Click here to read the rest of this story (27 more lines)