In My New Diet All I Lost Was Interest (standard:humor, 907 words)
Author: Godspenman	Added: Nov 15 2015	Views/Reads: 2162/1543	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
It is not so much the fruit on the table as it is the fruit in my life that delights God.

I lost quite a few things in life, but weight has not been one of them. 

I see these commercials on TV where people lost tons of weight and
invite me to join their program. Investigating some of the programs I 
discovered all you really lose is money every month. If there is one 
thing I do not want to lose it is money. 

I never took losing weight very serious. I figure one man's pound is
another man's jiggle and we sure do not have enough jiggle in this 
world. 

I have bigger problems than losing weight, which I would readily
acknowledge is a big problem, but I have been focused on a bunch of 
other matters. If I kick the can down the road far enough, I never have 
to deal with it. Right? 

What if when we get to heaven, I like to think of this often, everybody
is fat? One of my favorite verses in the Bible is, “...all the fat is 
the Lord's” (Leviticus 3:16). I realize this may be a little bit out of 
context, but some of us have to get our consolation wherever we can 
find it. 

Then it happened. You know how something happens that you did not plan
to happen, but it just happens? 

It was after a wonderful supper and I had overindulged as usual, and
happen to say out loud, “I sure am stuffed.” 

I did not make this remark to start a conversation or to mean anything
other than I was stuffed at that time. However, the Gracious Mistress 
of the Parsonage saw it just a little bit differently. 

I think this is why men are so reluctant to talk to their wives because
everything they say can be taken out of context and usually is. I was 
just referring to the fact that at that moment I was feeling stuffed. 
Actually, I meant it as a compliment to her fine cuisine. After all, a 
compliment is a compliment and should be received as such. 

“I think,” she said, staring at me with one of her stares, “that you
really are stuffed. Furthermore, I think we ought to do something about 
it.” 

I hate it when my wife says “furthermore” because I do not know exactly
what she's talking about. All I know is what is coming next is going to 
get me into trouble. Trouble is not my middle name but it certainly is 
my identification number. Then, this is how women think, when she said, 
“we ought to do something about it” the emphasis was on the “we.” 
Whenever a wife says “we,” she is really referring to her husband. 

That started quite a conversation about dieting. I say conversation, but
actually, it was a very animated monologue of which I was the only 
audience at the time. 

Don't you love it when people know how to fix your problem? A recent
study shows that wives outlive husbands. And of course, the reason is 
simply that many husbands cannot change the monologue into a dialogue. 
“Mono,” means one and “dia” means two. But I digress. 

My good wife went on talking about a wonderful diet she has had in mind
for a long time. In thinking about that, I concluded she thought I was 
overweight for a long time. The one good thing is that she has not 
mentioned it before. But now she is mentioning it. 

All of the pent-up observations and suggestions about my weight were now
coming out in one dynamic monologue. I just could not keep up. It is 
hard to keep up when you only have two ears. 

I could tell she had been thinking about this for a very long time
because she had great detail as to what my new diet should be, even 
calculating how much weight I would be losing if I kept on this new 
diet. 

So far, it was not too bad. I would go on this new diet, lose tons of
weight, be healthier, and live longer and the both of us would be 
happy. What can go wrong with a plan like that? I love it when a plan 


Click here to read the rest of this story (31 more lines)