Memoired and Regrets (Part 2) (standard:non fiction, 3019 words) [2/5] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: Apr 22 2001	Views/Reads: 2947/2125	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is a continuing story that starts when I was in high school - it eventually ends in the present.

The van trip to where the State drill meet was being held was a BLAST. 
It took about 5 hours to get there over the mountains.  I don’t 
remember exactly what was so fun about it.  Probably it was just the 
kind teenagers can have when they are crammed into a van with uniforms, 
equipment, clothes, music, and a lot of sugar.  It was just FUN.  
Nothing specific, just FUN.  We got to the school we were going to stay 
at over night.  Our school and about half a dozen others.  Everyone 
finally got settled in and our stuff put away.  The meet wasn’t until 
the next day.  I don’t remember exactly the order of things, but we 
probably had a little practice time and then we were dragged to 
McWhatever or some similar establishment that probably stays in 
business because of these kinds of school trips. 

One of the other people on our trip was a boy named Mike.  He was on the
Armed Drill Team (You’d have to be know about the JROTC program to 
understand all this, but it was a good program – for me, at the time 
anyway.)  I’d known him for awhile.  He was in the same grade as Curt.  
He was okay.  I didn’t really, have any kind of a crush on him.  He was 
just Mike.  I don’t know how it came about or what his motivation was, 
but he asked me to (in the words of teenagers from the mid eighties) 
“go with him”.  You know, become his girlfriend.  I don’t really know 
where this came from.  He was a nice guy and all. (I still see him once 
in a while – he still seems like a nice guy, though a little less than 
ambitious.)  I didn’t know what to say.  My first instinct was to say 
“yes”.  I wanted a boyfriend.  I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be 
like all the other girls and boys. 

I did not say “yes”.  Can you believe that.  I can’t to this very day. 
What was I thinking?  I know exactly what I was thinking.  I hesitate 
to use the word love.  I was just a kid after all.  I didn’t know what 
love was, but basically, I thought I was in love with Curt.  Love in 
the teenage sense – the best kind.  That love was true.  I did love 
him.  Very much.  I did not know it then, but it was not the kind of 
love that means make me your world – let me make you mine.  It was the 
kind of love that meant you are my friend.  I want you to be happy.  I 
want to help you if you need help.  I want to always be there for you. 
You are a good person and I am a better person for knowing you.  This 
is where I screwed up. 

I made the mistake of getting some advice about what Mike had asked.   I
told one of my friends.  My brother’s girlfriend to be specific.  I 
explained to her that I really liked Curt and that I liked Mike but I 
didn’t have any emotional feelings for him.  I probably didn’t say it 
this way, but that was the gist.  This was a major mistake. Not the big 
one, but still not a good idea.  I probably could have picked a better 
person to talk to about this.  Anyway, she suggested I tell Curt how I 
felt.  I didn’t, but she did.  He and I talked.  Boy, was that a hard 
conversation. 

I can still see the room where we talked.  It was in like a big ante
room (sort of a lobby) outside of  the entrance to the school gym. The 
gym had been divided in two by these giant partitions – girls on one 
side, boys on the other.  In the ante room (a big pale green cement 
room) there were these wooden benches.  That’s where we sat.  The 
conversation is a blur.  I could make something up, but basically he 
said something to the effect that he heard that I liked him.  I must 
have acknowledge this, but I don’t remember.  This was pretty traumatic 
for someone like me who didn’t feel worthy of having someone who might 
want to be my boyfriend.  In fact, I felt like I was doing something 
bad to him for liking him “that way”.  I didn’t even look at him.  I 
couldn’t.  This was the best and worst time of my entire life.  I was 
the fat girl.  I wasn’t supposed to like anyone.  Fat people don’t have 
the same feelings as everyone else, right?  But maybe, just maybe, this 
was my time for happiness.  I don’t remember this conversation.  I just 
remember the result.  Okay, we’d try to be boyfriend/girlfriend.  This 
was the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE (so far). 

I told Mike about my crush on Curt, and that I wanted to be with him. 
They were friends.  I guess he was okay with it.  In retrospect, he 
might have been relieved, but he did at least act pretty hurt.  This 
actually made me feel good in a not so friendly way (it boosted my 
ego).  It made me feel like maybe he really did like me.  But I had 
Curt now, right? 

Sure.  Right. 


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