Free is as free gives and I don’t like free, usually (standard:humor, 895 words)
Author: Godspenman	Added: Nov 04 2012	Views/Reads: 2449/1856	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
I am not the kind of person looking for a handout or anything free. When somebody offers me something free, I know there is a catch somewhere, and as long as I still have a slice of sanity in my noodle soup, nobody is going to catch me.

I am not the kind of person looking for a handout or anything free. When
somebody offers me something free, I know there is a catch somewhere, 
and as long as I still have a slice of sanity in my noodle soup, nobody 
is going to catch me. 

Before I had made this a hard and fast rule the Gracious Mistress of the
Parsonage and I took a company up on their free offer of three days and 
two nights in a marvelous resort hotel. “All you have to do,” the 
person on the phone said, “is listen to a short presentation.” 

That “short presentation” took exactly three days and two nights. By the
time we were done and ready to come home we were exhausted. How many 
times can you say no, and for it to register in the person to which it 
is directed? Obviously, from our experience, there is no answer to that 
question. 

I learned my lesson and have never accepted a free offer since. Not that
I have not had the opportunity, I just am highly suspicious of anything 
that contains that five-letter word “free.” 

Recently an event happened that has upgraded my thoughts concerning the
word “free.” 

The day began as usual, which included a trip to the local grocery store
and the bakery department for the obligatory Apple Fritter. A day 
without an Apple Fritter is a day I do not want to get out of bed. This 
one thing drives me out of my cozy bed in the morning and puts a little 
bit of get-up in my get-along. 

I am not sure if an Apple Fritter a day will keep the doctor away, but
who am I to challenge such likelihood? Personally, I would rather err 
on the side of the Apple Fritter. 

It all began years ago when my wife insisted I add more fruit to my
diet. It was then I discovered the marvelous delicacy of the 
old-fashioned Apple Fritter. Just the word apple makes it a fruit in my 
mind. 

My wife and I have had very few disputes during the almost half-century
of our relationship but this is one. She feels an Apple Fritter does 
not qualify as a fruit. I think she is rather fruity along this line 
myself; however, I am too wise and love life too much to actually say 
it to her. What I say under my breath and behind her back does me no 
harm whatsoever. 

My argument is that there is enough Apple in an Apple Fritter to qualify
it for a fruit. 

I am not sure who has won this argument, but I am not going to challenge
it. Rather, I will enjoy the fruity nature of my delectable Apple 
Fritter. 

Getting back to the incident that has changed my mind about free. I
entered the grocery store, walked back to the bakery department and 
selected a freshly baked Apple Fritter. It was about all I can do to 
keep from eating it between the bakery department and the cashier 
counter. We all have our crosses to bear, and this is one of mine. I 
need to wait until I get to my office where I can leisurely enjoy one 
of the great delicacies of life. Also, no one can see me eat it, 
especially, you know who. 

I got to the checkout counter and handed over, reluctantly, my Apple
Fritter in order to pay for it. It is the best $.79 I spend every day. 

Then the inevitable happened. 

“I'm sorry,” the young lady behind the counter said, “but there is
something wrong with this Apple Fritter.” 

Boy, did she have my attention. I was about to give her a piece of my
mind. Who did she think she was? My wife? I wanted to give her a spicy 
lecture on the importance of the Apple Fritter in question. In my mind, 
there was nothing wrong with this Apple Fritter. 

I do not often get my dander up. After all, I do not have the hair I


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