Woodland News At Noon (standard:humor, 13356 words)
Author: Rimmer	Added: Oct 05 2008	Views/Reads: 3227/3867	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Two brothers watch a slapstick edition of a banned news show.

Woodland News At Noon 

While the brothers were preparing their lunch, the storm was raging
outside the sturdy walls of their home, and was getting worse.  They 
could see multiple lightning flashes through the windows of the living 
room, and the thunder was becoming deafening. 

Twenty years ago they would have been in the storm cellar in case a
tornado were to touch down.  Now days they didn't give those kind of 
dangers much thought.  They had survived 73 years of Kansas's 
blizzards, floods, drought, and thunderstorms.  One time they even had 
to run for it when the neighbor's herd of cattle went loco, and 
stampeded through their farm.  They had an ongoing joke with each 
other.  To help them admit to themselves they were finally getting old. 
 Whenever something potentially dangerous would pop up, one of them 
would say to the other, “If Mother Nature wanted us dead, she would of 
done it by now.” 

Earl was pulling two potatoes he had cooked out of the microwave, and
was setting them down on a couple of plates.  Simon was busy by the 
stove cooking two ham steaks in an old well-seasoned cast iron skillet. 
 The smell of the cooking ham was wafting out of the kitchen, and 
quickly filling the entire house.  Earl cut the potatoes open, and put 
a large helping of real butter in each one.  Then set the plates with 
the now steaming hot butter soaked spuds next to his brother on the 
counter. 

“Aren't those things done cooking yet?  It's bad enough I'm stuck in the
house with you all day.  I could be getting some real work done on that 
back ten acres if only this dang rain would stop.  Plate mine up now 
would you?  I'm to hungry to care if it's heated all the way through.” 

“Quiet old man!  I'm cooking the meat, and I'll tell you when it's done
proper for eaten.  You may still have the stomach of a Billy goat, but 
I don't.  Why don't you get the coffee going.  That'll keep you busy 
just long enough for these things to finish up.” 

“I already made the coffee you ancient fool.  Now either you hand over
that ham steak, or get out of the way so I can show you how a grown man 
should cook.” 

“What?  The last time you got near this stove Jimmy Carter was
President, and all you did then was warm up a can of beans.” 

“Are you trying to say I can't cook?  You know that guy on TV that says
‘Bam' a lot?  Well I'll tell you what.  I'm the one who taught him how 
to cook.  That you can take to the bank brother.” 

“Are you even hearing what you're saying?  If I remember right, you
didn't even take those beans out of the can.  All you did was fill up 
that pot with water.  Bring it to a boil, and put the whole can in the 
water.  If that wasn't pathetic enough, you didn't even take off the 
label.  Plus you fell asleep on the couch while cooking it.” 

“What are you trying to say?  I can't cook?  Don't answer that.  I got
an image to uphold.  Besides, I told you then, and I'll tell you now.  
I was economizing.  By heating the beans in the can meant I wouldn't 
have to dirty up a dozen bowls.  Which saved us a small fortune in dish 
detergent.” 

“How were you planning on eating the beans?” 

“Right out of the can brother.  Right out of the gall darn can.  Then
you had to come down those stairs there, and mess up my perfectly laid 
out plan for a magnificent dinner.” 

“I'd check to see if you've been taking your medicine, but you've always
been this way.  You big horses rump.  Now quiet down, and let me finish 
my cooking.” 

“Fine!  Just make it quick will you?  I'll get the tele-box warmed up,
and see what the weather guy has to say for himself.” 

Earl walked up to the TV and hit the ‘on' button.  After grabbing the
remote off the table he walked around the kitchen's island, and took 


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