Any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental (standard:Inspirational stories, 1645 words)
Author: Anthony Estrada	Added: Mar 24 2007	Views/Reads: 3538/2136	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is a story about an 18 year old boy who learns what it means to have hope

One might ask what going insane is truly like. It's one of those things
that you really can't understand until you've experienced it. We all 
have the tendency to keep things locked inside (its called human 
nature). Oh I really shouldn't let that bother me, Oh I'm just 
overreacting, Oh, I'm tough. This shouldn't bother me. The fact of the 
matter is our feelings are real and to simply crush them into a paper 
ball and stuff them deep down inside is like asking for self 
destruction to be delivered on a silver platter. For some of us, this 
learning process can be painful, full of sadness and despair. I know it 
was for me. I try not to look back on my past in the context of 
regretting my decisions and thinking of all the possible ways I could 
have done things different. That is unhealthy, but again, it's human 
nature. Instead, I look at my past to unveil how much I have been 
changed as a person through the challenges that have been laid before 
me. The same challenges that once made me consider suicide, I can now 
see as events that have helped me develop as a person. For that, I am 
thankful. 

Like any stupid 14 year old, I wanted a girlfriend when I was a freshman
in high school. You know, someone who I could talk to on the phone, and 
maybe if mom wasn't too busy, get driven over to her house once in 
awhile. Hell, most of my friends were starting to get girlfriends, so 
why shouldn't I? Now relationships are great, don't get me wrong, but 
let's get real now. How many freshmen in high school do you know that 
are mentally ready to be in a relationship at that age? I know I 
wasn't. The problem with me was that I met this girl Tanya who was 
awesome. So awesome, that I got attached. You see, like most kids that 
age, I really, really didn't like my family. I would do just about 
anything to avoid spending time with them. So Tanya basically became my 
escape. Tanya was the person who I could really talk to about anything. 
We would spend hours up at night talking on the phone and it was funny 
because this was before every kid had a cell phone so we would have to 
call each other late at night with the risk of waking up angry parents. 
Now if you're reading this, you're probably thinking that this sounds 
more like a friendship. And to be quite honest that's what it was, and 
that is what it should have stayed. But nope, we were stupid. I don't 
know what it was but some reason we felt as though we needed to be more 
than friends even though it was clear that being friends was working 
out just fine. Again here comes the maturity factor. Friendships at 
that age are essential. Relationships however, are not. When you get 
two immature kids trying to play off the whole serious boyfriend 
girlfriend thing, you are asking for disaster. This is something I 
learned. 

So me and Tanya went through our Freshman year buddy-buddy, happy,
happy. Or so it might have seemed. Looking back I realize that I was a 
chump. You ever do that? Just look at yourself in a period of time and 
say “Thank God, I'm not like that anymore”. Basically, I can 
comfortably say that smoking large amounts of marijuana had a negative 
effect on me, particularly at that time in life. I wasn't exactly 
“quality” boyfriend material. Of course Tanya never really said 
anything to me about this. Or maybe she did? It's all still a little 
hazy, to be honest. The fact is, I know Tanya must have been sick of my 
shit because when summer rolled around she gave me my first real dose 
of relationship-induced emotional pain: The pain that is unlike any 
other type of pain. Since that point in my life, I had dealt with the 
pain of having a friend die, physical pain, and the pain of seeing 
dramatic changes happen within my family. I have to say that there is 
no pain quite like that of which is caused by heartbreak. The closest 
feeling to love that I had ever known had been shattered. Tanya had 
hooked up with other guys while I was in California that summer. How 
stupid was I for thinking that she wouldn't though? Come on now, 15 
year old kids trying to stay faithful to each other? I mean now a days 
it's hard enough for married adults to stay faithful to each other, let 
alone 15 year old kids with raging hormones. I'll be honest though; it 
still hurt...a lot. I think that was the point in my life when I just 
became silent for awhile. Maybe there was just one of too many things 
going on in my life and that was the straw that broke the camels back. 
I had no energy left. There were so many things I wanted to say but I 
just couldn't. I made things worse. Smoked more pot. Got into fights. 
Hated myself. The despair I felt throughout this time was caused by me 
holding emotions inside for far too long and simply ignoring the fact 
that I wasn't as tough as I thought I was. 

Tanya ignored me, and then talked to me, ignored me, and then talked to


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