Burnt Offerings (standard:humor, 2306 words)
Author: Kirk	Added: Jul 06 2006	Views/Reads: 3203/2301	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A short 'How To' for the weekend Dad on nutrition from a verteran weekend Dads point of view.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

You don't have time nor want a round of midnight purging. 

*Don't feed the dog with the kid standing there. If I have to explain
this one, get rid of the dog. 

INFANTS: 

First of all, if your weekend is being tied up with a newborn, I can't
help you and neither can anybody else. Your mother might be able to, 
but if you're that much of a putz to split with a girl with a tiny 
baby, Mom's not talking to you anyway. You don't have to worry about 
the new office clerk either because she's not going out on a date with 
you while your arms are tied up all night rocking the kid. Forget Moe's 
because their not holding up the game for you to burp the thing and 
it's tough changing little ones in a stadium bathroom with guys puking 
all around you. As far as feeding them, I suggest you buy a book, see a 
pediatrician, or take hormone shots to lactate. 

TODDLERS: 

These kids are a hoot, aren't they? They'll do anything for you just
because they can. They'll draw on the wall, take dumps in the closet, 
and repeatedly dial 911 because mommy taught them how. They'll also eat 
anything you give them as long as they like it. If not, make sure 
there's lots of Pine Sol and Bounty towels to go around and remember, 
plastic, plastic, plastic! 

*Breakfast* 

This can be quick and easy. While watching ESPN's ‘Sportscenter', a dry
bowl of any kid's cereal will do, but you may want to steer clear of 
Kix or Trix. They tend to roll under the fridge and kill the 
compressor. A cup of milk or juice is an easy clean up with a fresh 
roll of paper towels. (Remember to lift the legs of the table. A few 
spills and they are permanently glued to the floor.) In summer, junior 
or little miss are easy to clean outside with a hose and nozzle. Keep a 
bathtub half full of water ready during the rest of the year. 

*Lunch* 

It couldn't be any easier with ‘Chef Boy-Ar-Dee' or ‘Franco American'
out there making their tomato sauce based meals in a can. While the 
early college games are on, the kid can have a field day chomping down 
on these soft morsels. Clean up isn't quite as easy as breakfast since 
spaghetti sauce tends to stain kids hands and faces. You'll either need 
to use the hose for a longer period of time or let them soak in the 
tub. Wait till halftime. 

*Snack Time* 

Cookies! No, I don't mean stupid ones like animal crackers. This is your
kid! Get them something good! Oreos or Chips Ahoys are great. One to 
steer clear of is Fig Newtons. They worked wonders for grandma, but 
junior/little miss will blow a hole in their Pampers if you give them 
too many. 

*Dinner* 

This also can be easy whether you're alone with the kid or the office
clerk is coming over or if Moe's bringing the card game to you. If the 
clerk's coming then I suggest some cheese and chilled wine for you and 
her as the wee one nibbles on some microwave chicken nuggets. When 
junior/miss toddles off to bed, order from Luigi's and have a quiet 
candle light dinner. 

If Moe's coming with the guys, make enough nuggets to go around and wait
till the little one is off before turning on the tube to watch the 
night game, deal the cards, and break out the nachos and jalapeños. 

If it's just you and the kid, I have two words for you; hot dogs. God
created these tasty meat by-products just for us weekend Dads. You can 
serve them to virtually any kid in the USA and they will love you for 
it. The best part about it is that you don't have to give up any 
dignity in serving them. There are still many decisions involved in 
making hot dogs. You have to decide if you're going to boil them, steam 
them, fry them, bake them, grill them, or nuke them. Then there's the 
decision about the toppings. They're too many for me to list here, but 
you get the idea. 

***(A note for a small percentage of you weekend Dads; if you find
yourself too lazy or drunk to cook hot dogs and you and the kid are 
eating them right out of the package, you're a jerk and have no 
business having the kid there in the first place.) 

GRADE SCHOOLERS: 

*Breakfast* 

This meal couldn't be easier. By now they should be able to find and
open the box of Cocoa Pebbles, pour milk into a bowl, and let you sleep 
till the early games start. Clean up is a cinch since the bowls are 
either plastic or better yet, Dixieware. 

*Lunch* 

Oscar Mayer has made this meal so simple it's laughable. Just stock up
on ‘Lunchables'. If you pick the right type, lunch is a snap. All you 
have to do is point to the fridge and the kid can get his lunch and can 
grab you a beer at the same time. What could be easier? If you forgot 
to stop at the grocery store, don't fret, peanut butter and jelly 
sandwiches are always a winner. If problems arise because the kid is 
being fussy about the type of jelly you have, introduce them to a new 
food group; Frito-Lay brand products. 

*Snack Time* 

We just covered it. Fritos, Ruffles and Lay's (Betcha can't eat just
one), and a can of soda. Now that's a snack worth remembering! 

*Dinner* 

Things are much easier now. 

If you're going to the game to root for your favorite team, the young
one can choose from all kinds of culinary delights at the concession 
stands. 

If the evening involves the clerk coming over, I suggest Chinese take
out. It might be expensive if everyone is ordering something different, 
but the kid and the clerk can bond as they struggle to eat fried rice 
with chopsticks. 

If Moe's bringing the card game to your place, I suggest Dominos' $5.00
medium one topping deal and get as many of them as needed without 
breaking your wallet. That way when the kid isn't getting beers or 
tipping off the other guy's hand, they can call it in for you and 
everyone's happy. If all goes well, you'll have won back the price of 
the pizza and put a jingle in your pocket. Don't forget to add that 2 
liter soda with the order! 

If you plan on staying home alone with the kid, I suggest live lobsters.
Turn on that oven and put in a pan of tater tots. Dust off that old 
corn pot and get some water boiling! Melt some butter in a bowl in the 
microwave! Chase those bottom dwellers around on the floor after the 
kid has set them free given them names! Then you can worry about 
explaining to them why you're eating ‘Ren and Stimpy' while they're 
eating hot dogs. 

HIGH SCHOOLERS: 

*Breakfast* 

By now, things are a little different. Strange words are coming out of
their mouths like ‘over easy'. If you feel you must indulge them in 
this culinary buffoonery, try to go all out. Make the coffee as you fry 
the bacon and hash browns. Start the toast when you fry the eggs. 
You'll feel like a full fledged weekend warrior when you proudly set 
that plate down in front of them and they say, “I think I'll pass, Pop, 
that burrito I ate at midnight isn't sittin' too well.” 

*Lunch* 

If you still need to mess with this meal, you need to speak to your Ex.
She's spoiling the kid and they should be making you lunch while you're 
watching the games. 

*Dinner* 

If you're lucky, they're going to the mall with their friends and eating
at the food court. Simply slipping them a few bucks insures a free 
evening with the clerk or at Moe's. If the kid's not going out, maybe 
they have a girlfriend/boyfriend coming over and you need to come up 
with something to make. Why not invite the clerk as well? At this 
point, the kid should be old enough to know that Dad needs a little 
lovin' too. If you have access to a grilling area, I suggest steaks. A 
grill, some charcoal, four porterhouses and the CO2 canister is all 
that's needed to make this dinner a snap. Give your kid the keys to 
your car and send them to the local KFC to pick up a bunch of large 
sides and light the charcoal. By now, the clerk should be there giving 
you a hand marinating the steaks while you try to catch the tail end of 
the game. Soon the steaks are on the grill and the game is into double 
overtime. 

By the time your team pulls ahead in the third overtime, the kids have
come back and it's time to use that CO2 canister. A few blasts, a 
little coughing, and you have a beautiful serving tray of burnt 
offerings. Hopefully, no one will notice because the kids are too busy 
doing tonsil checks on each other and the clerk is running her foot up 
and down your leg. Later, after they have noticed, another run to KFC 
for a bucket of chicken to go with the sides and everyone is satisfied. 


HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES: 

Listen my friends; if you're still cooking for them at this point,
you're not my type of weekend warrior. By now, you and the clerk should 
be on very good terms and the kid should want some private time with 
their boyfriend/girlfriend. If they've got a job, they should be 
sitting next to you at the card game at Moe's. Hell, if they're a chip 
off the ol' block, they'll soon be serving you their versions of burnt 
offerings. 


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