The Exactness of the Inexact (standard:humor, 1473 words)
Author: J P St. Jullian	Added: Jan 03 2003	Views/Reads: 9965/2226	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A study in the exactness of the inexact

The Exactness of the Inexact 

J P St. Jullian 

Being as old as I am, and having grown up my first 20 years around men
born as early as the late 19th century, men much older and wiser than 
myself, I've heard many old wittisms and folk expressions that were 
steeped in antiquity and uttered in the vernacularism's of the common 
folk of the deep south.  The fact that I grew up in what you couldn't 
call anything but the COUNTRY, kind of validates these expressions in a 
manner of speaking.  You may have already heard some of them. 

Some of you have no doubt heard a person say that he didn't know someone
else from “Adam's off ox”, but you may not have stopped to consider the 
peculiar suitability of this old folk expression.  I'll attempt to 
explain. 

Firstly, of Adam's two oxen, the near ox is better known than the off ox
for two reasons.  One, he is nearer the driver, and two, the sight of 
this near ox is unobstructed.  It was explained to me that the off ox 
was less known than the near ox, who in turn is less known than Adam, 
who is not known at all.  So you see this expression should show one 
method of making the inexact  exact:  the unknown or inexact is divided 
exactly into the parts which it must logically possess.  (It didn't 
make sense to me either). 

However, the common folk of that bygone era had long known and used that
method.  Their expressions, I think, were supposed to particularize the 
unparticularable, both to lend the drama of the concrete to what would 
otherwise be abstract and to gain credence by adding minute detail.  It 
was an understood way of mentioning, describing, or treating 
individually a given subject or idea.  For instance, my stepdad often  
indicated height by saying a thing was knee-high to a half grown jack 
rabbit; or length by saying that something is as long as a short piece 
of rope; or maybe depth by saying something is hip-deep to a tall 
African.  Those old men even had ways of making these divisions within 
the inexact even more exact by using numbers!  So one could say that a 
thing was three inches less than hip-deep to a tall African. 

Another expression you would hear often back then was that a person was
ugly enough to stop an eight day clock.  Of course, this principle of 
exactness was never verbalized in the presence of the party being 
discussed.  Anyway, it symbolizes the fact that just as there are 
obvious differences in clocks, so there are obvious differences in 
ugliness, and, if it takes x-ugliness to stop a twenty four hour clock, 
then it stands to reason that it must take 8x-ugliness to stop an eight 
day clock; assuming of course that the progression is arithmetic and 
not goemetric. 

My stepfather once described this one very homely looking girl as being
so buck-toothed that she could eat a pumpkin to the hollow through a 
crack in a board fence.  Another girl with the same buck-toothed 
affliction he described as being able to bite through a barbed wire 
fence.  Now, anyone who understands the expression must admire the 
truthfulness, the courage, and the discrimination of this statement.  
It divides buck-toothedness into at least three categories----that by 
which one can eat only the inner rind of a pumpkin, that by which one 
can eat to the hollow, and that by which one can eat the whole pumpkin. 
 Although it may have been conceivable that a man so precise in his 
statements could have been lying, it was never openly challenged or 
suggested. 

There were many other expressions used to illustrate similar exactness
in handling the inexact.  Here's one we hear even today.  Take this one 
for instance:  “Cold enough to freeze the tail off a brass monkey.”  
This statement shows the speakers knowledge of the freezing points of 
such things as glass, porcelain, and iron as compared with that of 
brass.  It also shows his knowledge of the different freezing levels of 
the various parts of the anatomy. 

“A smile crossed his face like a wave over a slop-bucket” indicates a
knowledge of wave motion over areas of varying size and through liquids 
of different viscosity.  How about, “As slow as molasses in February,” 
or “As ugly as home-made sin.”  This indicates that store bought sin is 
less ugly than the home made variety.  “As poor as Job's turkey” is 


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