Memories and Regrets (Part 5) (standard:non fiction, 2385 words) [5/5] show all parts
Author: Maya	Added: Apr 22 2001	Views/Reads: 2575/2022	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is the final Part of my story. It was cathartic to write, and I hope someone got something out of it.

I think I was pretty happy for a while.  I was growing up.  I was
leaving some of my baggage behind me.  I was really trying to 
appreciate who I was.  I figured that I had turned out pretty good.  
Sure, I wasn’t the most physically beautiful person, but I felt good 
about who I was on the inside.  I really did. I liked to think that I 
was alone, but I wasn’t lonely.  I was doing things almost every 
weekend.  I had places to go, things to do.  Unfortunately, in a weak 
moment, loneliness snuck up on me. 

I was feeling regrets again.  This time over Sean.  Maybe I didn’t give
it a chance.  I knew his birthday was coming up so I sent him a card 
and a letter.  Just to see what would happen.  I actually got a letter 
back.  I was a little surprised.  I thought after the way I had treated 
him, he’d have just told me off or ignored my letter.  He was very 
gracious.  His letters kind of sounded like he was writing a textbook, 
though.  There wasn’t a lot of emotion.  Even less that I would have 
expected from a first letter. 

We wrote back and forth for a few weeks. Eventually we started phoning
each other.  Finally, I invited him to spend New Years Eve (1995) with 
me and Stacy and her boyfriend.  Being the anti-social person that I 
thought he was, I was really, surprised when he said yes. 

Did we have a good time?  I did.  Stacy and her boyfriend did.  Did
Sean?  I didn’t know.  He was very hard to read.  We all stayed at my 
apartment (different apartment – no roommate) that night since it was 
so late.  It was an interesting evening.  I learned a little more about 
Sean.  He spent some time in the Air Force.  He was an amateur 
photographer.  He developed his own photos.  He was a computer 
technician.  He loved computers.  I knew some of this from the letters 
he sent.  He was still shy and reserved. 

After that night we spent a lot of time on the phone to each other. 
Then I started going up to his apartment every other weekend, and he 
would come to mine every other weekend.  We were developing a 
relationship.  His letters still had a textbook feel to them, but they 
were sincere and they came regularly.  I had managed to get over some 
things that I had been dragging around with me.  It was enough to allow 
someone to get close to me.  I had grown up. 

Sean and I became a couple.  We were serious.  By November he was
hinting around about marriage.  Just little things, but enough to give 
me ideas.  Christmas came.  I was sure he was going to ask me to marry 
him.  I just knew he would.  We spent Christmas with my family.  By the 
time Christmas was almost over he had still not asked me.  I didn’t 
know what was going on.  He had hinted and hinted until it was obvious, 
but here it was, late Christmas day – nothing. 

Finally, back at my apartment, he sat me down and we discussed it. 
DISCUSSED IT!  He didn’t ask me.  We discussed it.  This was not what I 
had in mind.  No ring.  No bended knee.  No emotion.  Just a 
discussion.  Did I love Sean?  At the time, yes.  As much as I knew 
what it was about, I did love him.  I did want to marry him.  It was, 
after all, the next logical step in our relationship.  Once again, it 
was what I was supposed to do. 

Yes, we decided, we would get married.  I would tell my employers and
start looking for another job. He would move from his apartment closer 
to the new job that he would be starting in January.  I found a new job 
right away.  I quit my job and moved to the city in February 1996.  We 
had found a nice house to rent, so we didn’t even have to deal with 
apartment neighbors.  Except for the totally unromantic proposal, 
everything seemed to be going well.  I finally got my engagement ring 
on Valentine’s Day. 

I missed my family immensely, but I visited them often.  I was only
about 70 miles away, but it seemed like 700.  I didn’t realize how much 
time I spent with them until I couldn’t just drop in on them after work 
anymore. 

I was basically happy. There were a few things that I would have liked
to change.  Sean was so uncomfortable around other people that I 
eventually started to hope he wouldn’t go to my family get-togethers.  
When he did go to them he was rude.  He didn’t mean to be, but that’s 
how his shyness came across.  He didn’t know how to handle my family or 


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