Finding Your Way Back. Chapter three (standard:drama, 5696 words) [3/6] show all parts
Author: Cyrano	Added: May 25 2009	Views/Reads: 2258/1773	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
James is confronted with Eileen's illness, it seems serious. He follows the ambulance to the hospital.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

They reached a meeting place of corridors when she replied. ‘I don't
know, all that I know is that your wife is in an intensive care unit 
and the staff are trying to stabilize her and make her comfortable.' 

She could tell by the frown that unfolded on his face the words
intensive care had hit on a raw nerve. 

‘But don't worry, Mister Parr, ‘ she said reassuringly. ‘This is a
normal procedure for all emergency admissions, we do it for everyone. 
I'm sure there is nothing to be alarmed about.' 

The frown remained. 

‘It all happened a bit suddenly,' he replied evenly 

They walked onwards until another nurse came into sight. She was
slightly built and dressed with green hat, green tunic, green trousers, 
and white shoes. They stopped in the open space and faced each other. 

‘Mister Parr, this is the theatre sister. She wants to ask you a few
questions about your wife. We need to know certain things about her. We 
don't have her medical records. There was no time.' James nodded his 
agreement. 

‘Yes, what can I tell you, what sort of thing do you want to know?' 

The lady in green lowered her mask below her chin. 

‘Is your wife taking any medication?' 

James thought briefly before shaking his head. 

‘No, she used to take tablets for blood pressure but that was months
ago. No,' he confirmed, ‘Nothing.' 

‘You say that was months ago,' she asked enquiringly, ‘Nothing recent?' 

‘No, nothing recent.' 

‘Okay. Is she allergic to any drugs such as aspirin or penicillin?' 

Again James answered in the negative. 

‘Thank you Mister Parr, I think that's all for now,' she gestured to her
colleague. ‘Sister here will take you to the visitor lounge; you'll be 
comfortable there. And she'll fix you up with a cup of coffee or tea if 
you would like that.' 

Her colleague nodded. 

‘I'll go back to the theatre and report this to the surgeons.' She began
to turn away. 

‘How is she? What's happening, will she be alright?' James bumbled out
his concern and the theatre sister stopped and looked him in the eye. 
He had not anticipated this situation. The vague concept he held of 
intensive care was becoming more significant, more foreboding and 
unprovoked dark thoughts were gathering inside his head. 

The green-garbed lady could not offer him any reassurance. 

‘We don't know Mister Parr; at present we are making her comfortable,
and we are stabilizing her condition. She is still unconscious, we will 
have to run some tests, we simply don't know' 

Then she abruptly turned away from him and started to walk away. After a
few yards she stopped and half turned back towards him. 

‘We are doing our best. When we know something, the doctor will pop
along and see you. I'm sorry Mister Parr.' 

She walked away and James recalled and considered every word she had
spoken in order to seek out clues. Then he began to question. Why did 
she say she was sorry? Sorry for what? Was she being evasive? Was she 
being specific?  He had plenty of questions but no answers. He stood 
motionless looking after the retreating figure and his mouth was dry. 
He felt confused and anxious and for the first time, afraid. He felt an 
arm gently link into his. 

‘This way Mister Parr,' the nurse guided him towards the small lounge.
‘Some coffee, a hot drink will do you the power of good.' She assumed 
his acceptance as he remained silent with glazed eyes fixed on a far 
away point. 

‘How do you like it? Sugar and milk? I'll bring you a tray and you can
decide. Just make yourself at home; they'll let you know as soon as 
they can. Try not too worry. I'll be back in a few minutes.' She led 
him gently to the room and then quietly left. 

He looked around. The room was small and quite dark with only a small
lamp on the low coffee table. He slumped down in an easy chair next to 
the light. Mechanically he reached out and picked up a magazine lying 
on the top of a heap, then flicked through the pages, unable to 
concentrate. His head was full of Eileen. Distressing images of her 
collapsing helplessly into his arms, and then lying unconsciousness on 
a stretcher and then the shrill wail of the ambulance as it raced to 
this hospital. He irrationally thought that standing up would somehow 
ease the turmoil going through his mind and then he walked a few 
restless paces. But he found no respite. Some years ago she had 
collapsed in a Greek hotel after they had driven non stop for ten hours 
through a stormy night. She had been laying, deathly white in a cold 
ceramic shower cubicle when he found her. His reaction to this came 
back to him. He had wanted to retch up with the shock of seeing her 
lying there, but had composed himself and splashed water on to her 
face, and within a short time the ghastly white mask was dissipated and 
she smiled. It was a sheepish little girl smile and within a few short 
minutes she was okay. So was he over reacting tonight? Would she sit up 
and smile a little girl sheepish smile when he saw her again?  He sat 
down again in the chair and closed his eyes. He reassured himself he 
was being pessimistic and that the hospital staff were being cautious 
and he was jumping to all the wrong conclusions. Things are never as 
bad as they first appear and everything would turn out right. He just 
had to be patient. He became aware of a light knocking at the door and 
he opened his eyes and looked up. 

‘Come in,' he said. He began to get to his feet when a face appeared
around the door. It was not a face he had been expecting to see. It was 
the young, shiny, pink and clean cut round face of a young man, and he 
entered the room tentatively. He was dressed in black and the white dog 
collar he wore around his neck clearly identified his profession. James 
reflected how many young men of the cloth he had set eyes on had shiny 
pink faces. It was as though they had a lick of polish and a quick buff 
up as a final act of preparation before being booted out of the 
seminary. 

‘Hello vicar,' James greeted his visitor brightly. ‘You're working late
tonight, I didn't know you chaps would be doing your rounds at this 
time of night.' 

The young man hesitated and spoke softly in a low voice. 

‘Well Mister Parr, I've been asked to come and see you.' 

James felt a cold sweat run down his body and he closed his eyes and put
his hands to his head. His mouth was parched and he wanted to retch. He 
was revisiting Greece again. 

‘Graham Fowler, you know, your friend the vicar, thought that someone
should see her, and you of course. He thought that you would need some 
support' and chillingly to James' ears, ‘Some comforting. He's a very 
nice man, Reverend Fowler.' 

James was not listening. 

‘My God, surely it can't be. Surely it can't be that serious, tell me
its not that bad.' James collapsed back into his chair. 

‘We don't know Mister Parr. It may not be as bad as we think, but you
are on your own. You may think it better to have someone with you. 
Someone to keep you company. Some one to talk to, if you feel like 
talking.' 

The young man shrugged his shoulders; his hands clasped before him, and
said no more. 

The rattle of teacups outside of the room door broke the silence. 

‘I saw you coming in so I thought you might like a cup,' the nurse said
to him. 

‘That's very kind of you, thank you.' 

‘I'll leave you two alone.' 

She did not want to intrude and she put the tray down and left the room.


They helped themselves to coffee. They drank in silence. They sat in
silence. And all around them was silence. James was immersed in his 
thoughts. Thinking of his wife laying helplessly somewhere close to 
him, yet inaccessible. He held an image of her in his mind but it 
became a vague and unclear image. And the recurring question was always 
at the forefront of his thoughts. Why? Why had it happened to her? Why? 
Why her? 

‘Mister Parr,' the priest's voice broke the long silence. ‘If you don't
want me to stay, I'll be getting along. I can come back later. They 
know where to contact me.' 

It was a statement and not a question as he rose to his feet. 

‘As I said, they know where I am. Goodbye Mister Parr.' And as he was
leaving, ‘And God bless you.' 

He walked slowly and stiffly to the room door. 

‘Thank you Father, thank you for coming.'  James mumbled. 

He did not wish to appear ungrateful to the young priest, but he wanted
to be alone with Eileen. 

As he gently pulled the door behind him, James could hear the priest
talking to someone in the corridor. They spoke in hushed tones and 
James could not distinguish what was said. The conversation continued 
for a few minutes and he was curious but Eileen preoccupied his 
thoughts. How was she? What were they doing to her? He could think of 
nothing else as he sat alone. 

The door began to open and as he looked up, James could hear a Scottish
accent from the corridor. ‘Yes Father, we're just about to explain to 
him now. I think it would be best if you went down right away to see 
her.' And in reply to an unheard question, ‘No, I'm sure Mister Parr 
won't mind at all. Best you just go along. You know where she is, don't 
you?' 

The door to the room opened and two people entered. James recognized the
nurse dressed in green and the other was a man in a white coat holding 
a clipboard. 

‘Mister Parr,' the man in white began, rolling the ‘R's' in those two
brief initial words   revealing the Scottish accent James had heard in 
the corridor outside. He stroked his ear and looked over his horned 
rimmed glasses as he spoke. He looked uncomfortable and unsure as he 
continued. ‘I'm Mister Marten, the hospital registrar,' he beckoned to 
James with his hand to stay seated as he spoke. ‘I'm sorry we've been 
so long coming to you but we've had to take your wife to another 
building for a scan. And unfortunately, at this time of day, there is 
no staff on duty, and so we had to call people in. We've had to send 
the results to the regional center for analysis. All this has been 
done, but you will appreciate that it takes time. Your wife is back 
here now and you can go and see her in a minute.' He paused briefly 
before continuing very slowly. ‘ But I have to tell you that the 
results of the scan are not good.' He paused again to give James time 
to assimilate this information. James felt a cold sweat breaking out as 
he saw the doctor standing before him blinking his eyes and stroking 
his earlobe. The green nurse was silent and she turned her eyes to the 
floor. 

‘What do you mean, not good?' James asked quietly in a broken voice. ‘Is
there permanent damage. Is that what you are saying? Is it so serious?' 


Before he spoke, the doctor shook his head as a prelude to the report he
was about to deliver. ‘Mister Parr, I regret to have to tell you, that 
the damage to your wife has been massive. She has suffered a brain 
hemorrhage. The indications are it was sudden, and,' he paused, ‘it was 
severe. We rarely see damage on such a scale. Mister Parr, I have to 
tell you,' he paused again, ‘her condition is inoperable. There is 
simply nothing we can do.' He reinforced his message by repetition and 
removed his spectacles and shook his head. ‘It was massive, there is 
nothing we can do, except of course,' he added, ‘ to make her 
comfortable. It may be of some little consolation to you, Mister Parr, 
that she would not have been aware of anything from the moment she lost 
consciousness some time ago. I am sorry, we did our best, but there was 
nothing we could do.' 

James mind went numb and he had to gasp for breath. He collapsed back in
his chair and turned his head to the ceiling. He gulped again for air. 
Was this reality? Was he really sitting here in this small room 
listening to this man? Surely he must be in a dream. Things like this 
only happen in films; they don't happen in real life. His wife dying? 
How could she be, they were preparing dinner together only a few hours 
ago?  Surely to God this cannot be true. He turned the fingers of both 
hands to his palms and gripped with a ferocity that caused him pain. He 
had to establish reality. 

‘Mister Parr,' the green nurse was first to speak. ‘Are you alright
Mister Parr' she asked and walked over to him. 

‘Yes, yes I'm alright thank you,' James replied with his eyes closed and
breathing heavily through his open mouth. ‘Yes I'll be alright.' He 
pulled himself to his feet. ‘I must go and see her, I must see my 
darling Eileen.' 

‘Let me help you.' The green nurse stretched out a hand to help. She
linked her arm through his and he grasped her arm and his head drooped 
towards the floor. The doctor stood aside and gently placed his hand on 
James shoulder. 

‘I'm sorry Mister Parr, there was nothing we could do.' 

James nodded. 

As he and the nurse walked arm in arm along the still darkened
corridors, James looked at the ground, feeling like a punch drunk boxer 
at the end of a bout. His senses were numbed, his feet leaden, his 
posture unsure. 

‘We've tried to contact your daughter, Mister Parr,' she said to him
gently. ‘But so far, we've had no response.' 

James looked at her. It had never crossed his mind to inform anyone
about Eileen. It had all been so sudden and he had thought of no one 
except himself. He had been lost in his confusion and he stared at his 
watch and was surprised to see it was 4–45 AM. 

‘Yes, you're right, we'll have to contact Penny.' He tried to discipline
his mind to achieve some clarity but his thought processes were unable 
to escape from one single vision. He had to apply all of his inner 
strength to break out of his state of cognitive dissonance. 

‘Yes I must contact her. Do you know her telephone number?' 

They were still walking very slowly. 

‘Yes, Reverend Fowler tried earlier without success. We've been ringing
but there's still no reply. We've had the line tested, so she can't be 
at home.' 

They stopped walking. ‘Have you any idea where she might be? I think
it's important she tries to see her mother before its too late. Don't 
you?' 

James nodded his head and then another lead weight plunged down into the
pit of his stomach. The realization of the gravity of Eileen's 
condition had established itself in his mind but what he had not 
considered was time. They had told him they would keep her comfortable, 
but not for how long. Was it months? Was it weeks? Was it days? Surely 
it must be longer than a few hours. Please God let them be together for 
more than a few hours. He turned to the nurse and his eyes were moist. 
Anticipating his query, she gripped his arm tightly and brought her 
other hand to hold him. 

‘How long? How long have we?' He whispered tearfully. 

‘You can never be sure, all cases are a bit different.' She considered
further before going on. ‘From what I can gather, Mister Parr,' she 
paused in an attempt to make the news somehow more palatable, ‘ we are 
thinking of hours, maybe only a few hours.' 

She held him closer and she could feel his heart pounding. 

‘She'll be comfortable; we'll make sure of that. Then she'll just
quietly pass away. It will be very peaceful. She'll just quietly go to 
sleep.' 

They reached the room door and James' feet became rooted to the spot. He
closed his eyes and fought to regain his composure before he saw his 
beloved Eileen. In an irrational way he did not want her to see him 
upset. He was always the one who never cried and who could mask his 
emotions. After a few short moments he breathed in long gulps of air 
and steeled himself to see her. 

‘I'm okay.' He nodded his head. 

‘Before we go in, can you think of any way we can contact Penny?' the
nurse asked. In the middle of his confused mind, James somehow 
remembered the number of his son in law's mobile phone. 

‘Well it's a long shot but try this number.' 

She opened the door and ushered James into the ward. 

He saw her lying quietly and peacefully on her side, as though asleep.
An oxygen mask covered her mouth. He was unaware of anything else in 
the room and an unseen hand guided him around the foot of the bed and 
into a chair. He could not take his eyes off her. He tentatively 
reached out for her. Her hand was warm, but there was no reaction to 
his touch. He pressed harder but her fingers remained limp and 
lifeless. He leaned forward and tenderly stroked her brow. She was 
normal to his eye and his touch, yet she was silently and speedily 
dying. She looked no different than she had done a few hours ago. There 
were no scars, no stress on her face or any indication of discomfort, 
and yet she was dying before his eyes. And no one could do anything 
about it. One minute part of her body had let her down, one small 
component had failed, catastrophically, and because of this, she was 
going to die. James could not comprehend that this was happening to his 
darling wife. 

Two nurses were in attendance. One stood monitoring the flow of oxygen,
the other standing quietly beside him. As he slumped back he felt her 
hand on his shoulder in a gesture of support and reassurance. He half 
turned around and nodded in appreciation. He kept on looking intently 
at Eileen's face. He didn't know for how long. Time meant nothing as he 
kept his vigil. He watched her every breath; was the last breath 
imperceptibly slower than the previous one? He couldn't be certain, 
unable to rely on his judgment. The image before him appeared the same 
but his interpretation imperfect. As he watched, he noted her breathing 
was not to a regular pattern. There were quicker gasps and then pauses, 
and even the briefest discontinuity, caused him alarm. Then her 
breathing continued normally and he felt more relaxed. 

After a while, his mind began to play tricks on him. Her breathing
pattern appeared to be slower. Or was it his strained and flawed 
observation?  He was unsure and laid his head on the bed and closed his 
eyes in a desperate search for respite. He felt he should cry but she 
was still beside him and he could find no tears. 

Suddenly, he had an urge to take a walk, stretch the legs and clear the
head. He dragged his fingers over his eyes and held them closed for a 
few moments. 

‘I'll only be gone a few minutes. Just have a walk around the corridors.
If that's alright, that is,' he mumbled to the nurse. 

She nodded. ‘I'll stay here and keep an eye on her. Just take your time.
When you're out we'll turn her over and make her comfortable.' 

James drew himself slowly to his feet and rubbed his eyes as he walked
around the end of the bed and cast a weary glance at his wife over his 
shoulder. He did not know which way to turn. He looked to his left and 
saw in the distance a desk, and he chose to walk in that direction. He 
ambled aimlessly down the long corridor. Everything around him was 
still and silent. The lighting was at a low level giving an eerie 
ambience to the building. He felt like a moth moving towards a light 
bulb; attracted by some unknown force. He was not thinking, his mind 
numb and blank. Without realization he reached the light and was 
startled by a quietly spoken voice from an unseen nurse sitting at her 
work station. 

‘How are you, Mister Parr?' 

James nodded his head, ‘Alright, alright, I suppose.' He didn't feel
like saying anything. He wanted to be alone but in truth he didn't know 
what he wanted. He was confused and unsure. He stopped and faced the 
nurse. 

‘Why don't you finish your little walk and I'll have a nice cup of tea
for you.'  He grunted his thanks and walked slowly onwards. When he 
reached the meeting place for the corridors, he recognized the small 
waiting room where he had first waited for news of Eileen. He stood and 
stared at the door. Already, the room held unhappy memories for him, so 
recent, but yet indelibly imprinted in his mind.  He turned around and 
walked slowly back to the desk and looked beyond it to see the nurse in 
a small rear office making two cups of tea. She beckoned him in with 
the wave of her hand and pulled out a chair. 

‘Sit down here if you want, Mister Parr. Make yourself comfortable.'
James looked at her friendly face. She would be about his age. How many 
times had she been through this same scenario? Probably not many, these 
private hospitals won't deal with many life and death issues. But she 
would probably have been trained in the public sector so she would be 
experienced in these matters. What the hell, these are irrelevancies. 
They don't matter. What matters is Eileen. What matters is how they 
cared for her. They are giving me sympathy and support. Not 
gratuitously, but professional people behaving professionally. 

‘Drink your tea Mister Parr, don't let it get cold.' 

‘Yes, yes of course.' As he sipped at the cup of sweet, strong tea, he
thought  of his daughter Penny. He looked over to the nurse. ‘Did you 
manage to contact my daughter at the number I gave you?' 

‘No, the phone was ringing out but there was no reply. That reminds me,
we'll just give it another try, just in case. You never know, we might 
be lucky.' 

She put her cup down and read the numbers from a piece of paper. ‘It's
ringing' she reported.  A few seconds elapsed before she started 
speaking again. 

‘Mister Peters?' she spoke into the receiver, ‘Are you Mister Peters the
son in law of Misters Parr? ‘ She waited for his confirmation, ‘I have 
your father in law with me, he wants to speak to you. Yes I know it‘s 
the middle of the night but he will explain.' The nurse handed the 
phone to James. He gave it a long look before grasping it. 

‘Hello Grant, this is James. Is Penny with you?' 

James listened to the reply that they were not together. Grant had gone
out with some mates for a boy's night out. 

‘Grant you've got to see her right away, its an emergency. Eileen,'
James stumbled to continue, ‘Eileen.' He could not go on. Speaking out 
aloud hit him with the brutal reality of the situation and he could not 
handle it. So far, he had managed to suppress his emotions through 
silence. He tried again to speak, ‘Eileen, she's.........' 

He could go no further and burst into tears holding the telephone
towards the nurse. He buried his head in his hands and sobbed 
uncontrollably. 

The nurse took the telephone and spoke, but James heard nothing. 

He felt her arms around his shoulders. ‘They know Mister Parr. Your son
in law is going right away to collect your daughter and they'll set off 
North as soon as they can. You've no need to worry now. They're on 
their way. I've explained the situation.' 

‘I must go back to see her, I have to see her.' James walked quickly and
purposefully down the corridor back to the room where she lay. As he 
came to the door, he saw that the two nurses were struggling to turn 
his wife's naked body over in bed. She was limp and puttylike in their 
arms. James could see they were finding it difficult to turn her. 

‘One, two, three, up and over we go.' 

He stood silently in the doorway and a weak smile came to his face. One
of the nurses suddenly became aware of his presence and looked up. He 
could see her frowning at his apparent display of mild levity. He felt 
obliged to answer the question she had not yet asked. 

‘You see,' he said quietly, ‘Eileen was very modest, very shy. I suppose
it was her country upbringing.  Even though she had a lovely figure, 
and for that matter still has, she did not enjoy me looking at her when 
she was completely naked. I was half expecting to see a hand drop down 
to cover herself up. It's just something that crossed my mind as I saw 
you turn her over and I now know how bad she really is.' 

The nurses smiled and pulled the white sheets over her and tucked them
in around her shoulders. They fluffed up the pillows. 

‘There you are Eileen, you'll feel better now.' 

‘How is she now,' he asked. 

The two nurses looked at each other. 

‘Nothing much has changed, she's just breathing a little slower.' 

‘Yes, I can see, just a little slower,' James repeated the words
mechanically. He walked over towards the bed and reached out to touch 
her as he sat down. Without taking his eyes off her he said to the 
nurses in a broken voice. ‘Its time, its nearly time, isn't it? I want 
to spend these last few minutes with her alone. Just the two of us. I 
want to say my goodbyes. Just the two of us together.' 

He sensed them leaving the room and heard the quiet click of the closing
door. Then he leaned over and kissed her tenderly, gently on her brow, 
clasping her hands tightly. 

‘Goodbye my darling,' he sobbed and he buried his head on her chest. ‘I
love you.' 

The tears were uncontrollable and he shook as his grief was released
like a floodgate. He looked up at her again with tear filled eyes. ‘I 
love you,' he repeated. ‘My darling, I love you.'  He buried his head 
against her. 

A gentle hand on his shoulder made him look up to see that Doctor Marten
and the nurses had reappeared. The doctor felt for Eileen's pulse and 
the expression on his face conveyed to James the reality. 

The door creaked, opened by a male orderly with a message for the
doctor. Out of the corner of his eye James could see a nurse signaling 
with her hand for the orderly to go away. This was not the time for 
interruption. 

James knew what had been ordained had been settled and she had passed
away. 

No one spoke. They went about their business quietly. The oxygen mask
was removed. Her eyes gently closed by the hand of the doctor and the 
sheet was pulled carefully over her head. 

They stood and stared at the lifeless shroud. James sat with his glazed
wet eyes transfixed on the white cotton sheet. 

‘This way Mister Parr,' caring gentle hands guided him out of the room.
‘There's a few formalities to go through, we won't keep you long.' 

James nodded. Forms were placed in front of him and he filled in where
directed. He asked the nurse to ring his partner Frank. 

‘No, I have no other close relatives,' he said shaking his head in reply
to their query. ‘No, I was an only child, no brothers or sisters and 
both parents have gone. I'll let them know in Ireland when I get home. 
She was part of a big family; typically Irish.' 

He wanted to leave and to go to his home. But would he be going to his
home without her, or would he simply be going to his house? He posed 
the question, and he didn't know the answer, and he didn't care. 

Within a few minutes he pushed open the same glass door he had entered
some hours previously and was hit by the brightness of a lovely sunny 
morning. 

He paused on the step. His tiredness caught up with him and his eyes
were screwed up, unable to cope with the sudden intensity of the 
morning sunlight. He stood alone and was bustled by busy urgent people 
entering and leaving the hospital. They greeted him cheerfully as they 
pushed past. He just stood, motionless and immune to the voices and to 
the bodily contact. 

Even to his tired eyes the world looked a beautiful place. Blossom on
the trees, birds singing, a crisp azure blue sky, and smiling faces. It 
reminded him of the hymn. All things bright and beautiful, all 
creatures great and small. 

After a few minutes James looked inside the white plastic supermarket
bag and saw the crumpled clothes. He fingered the emerald ring he had 
given her for their engagement and then the band of gold that 
symbolized thirty years of marriage. These crumpled stained clothes in 
a cheap plastic carrier bag, some metal and stone, were all he had left 
of her after a lifetime spent together. 

He wiped his eyes and walked slowly towards his car, and then drove
home. 


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