Hell Found Me (standard:humor, 1525 words)
Author: MikeK	Added: Apr 12 2008	Views/Reads: 3183/2141	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
After a fight with his wife a man goes out on a limb - and then saws it off!

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

"You made the morning news.  It's nice to know that naked unfaithful
husbands cavorting wildly through a trailer park is still news.  I was 
fearful that maybe it had become so commonplace that no one would care 
– or call the police." 

"It was the old lady that called the police.  She gave me the towel"  I
stood there pointing at the towel like she wouldn't know which one if I 
didn't make it clear.  "Her dog was using it." 

"Thank goodness.  I was hoping that smell wasn't all you." 

"And I wasn't unfaithful!"  I said, trying to remember to stick to my
main theme. 

"If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck...  Or maybe a Pig
would be a better." 

"Let's not fight."  I offered somewhat lamely, "I've had a rough night."
 The words were still fluttering out of my mouth and I couldn't get 
them back. 

"You've had a rough night!"  she screamed.  "I'll tell you about a rough
night!  You stomp out of here in the middle of a discussion we're 
having and I don't see you or hear from you...  You've never done that 
before...  And I spend the whole night worrying and crying.   I'm sick 
and exhausted and when I wake up you're still not home...  I'm ready to 
call the police, the hospitals and all that when the phone rings and my 
mother, who never liked you that much anyway, joyfully tells me that 
you have made the news.  How am I ever going to face my family again?" 

Now as much as I would relish never facing her family again I had to let
that one go and stick to my main theme.  "I am so sorry," I said.  "I 
got upset and did a stupid thing and I am so sorry.  But you have to 
know that I wasn't unfaithful." 

"You were running around naked in a trailer park!  Doesn't unfaithful
fit in there somewhere?" 

"I gave her a ride home.  But we were so drunk I realized I had better
not drive anymore and she offered her extra bedroom for me to sleep it 
off.  She insisted on one more drink but the only thing she had was a 
half of a bottle of some kind of red wine from the fridge.  Well I 
spilled it, or she spilled it – I don't remember exactly – and it 
stained everything I had on.  "Club Soda'  she kept saying over and 
over until I gave her my clothes." 

"I'll remember that.  Next time I meet an attractive man I'll just say
'Club Soda' over and over until he gives me his clothes." 

"You'll have to get him blind drunk first,"  I shot back, "and once you
do that you won't need the Club Soda." 

"Even if I chose to believe you, and I'm not saying I do, how did you
end up running around naked for all the world to see?  Or at least for 
a channel five news crew to film?" 

"To film!  To film?"  I blurted out.  "I didn't see any news people." 

"Well they sure saw you.  Kind of like the Sasquach everyone is always
trying to get a picture of.  Of course the pasty white truckers belly 
doesn't fit the profile, but all in all I'd say they captured your 
essence.  You did have the towel by the time they got there." 

"I didn't know -  this is terrible.  What are we going to do?" 

"We?  I'm going to avoid anyone we know and laugh with anyone we don't."


"It isn't that funny.  Maybe they won't know who I am." 

To be honest I expected crying and screaming but now she was seeing a
humor in the situation that surprised and hurt me.  I couldn't 
appreciate how ridiculous I had to look standing there in a dirty 
hooded jacket scrounged from my truck and my bottom wrapped in a 
stinking threadbare towel  "It's nothing to laugh about," I spat, 
raising both hands in the air for emphasis.  Too late I realized what a 
mistake that was as the towel slid to the floor.  She was now laughing 
out loud. 

"Guess you can't help yourself, Big Guy!"  She spurted out as she
reached for her purse. 

I was trying to keep an eye on her and grab the towel at the same time
when I realized what she was doing.  She took her phone out and pointed 
it at me.  All I could do was turn and run toward the bathroom. 

Her laughter told me that she believed me about not being unfaithful. 
My descent into hell was over -  except for a picture of my retreat – 
which lurks somewhere on the net.  But I won't say where. 


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