Healthy Living in America (standard:humor, 1749 words)
Author: Jim Spence	Added: Oct 06 2005	Views/Reads: 3880/2454	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Finally - an exercise program we can all live with.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

Monday, 5:40 AM.  We walk back upstairs and wake up the wife, since it's
now the usual time we awake.  We pour her coffee, go get the newspaper 
out of the front yard, deliver the coffee and the Life section to the 
wife, let the dog out, pour ourselves a cup of coffee, and walk back 
downstairs with the sports section and our java ... calories burnt = 
55. 

Monday, 6:15 AM.  Okay, now we should really get going on some serious
exercise of some kind; but between the three cups of coffee we've had, 
the trips up and down the steps to get it (and fill up the wife's cup), 
and tripping over the dog, plus the three additional trips to the 
bathroom, it's time to get our showers.  By the way – two trips up and 
down the steps, three walks to the bathroom, two different times 
dancing around a moving dog to keep from stepping on its tail ... 
calories burnt = 70. 

Monday, 6:45 AM.  We've taken our showers and now we're getting dressed.
 On our first day of this plan, getting dressed is an exercise program 
all to itself.  You know what I'm talking about, don't you guys?  
Reaching down to towel dry those areas we can barely touch, walking 
quickly while naked across a cold tile floor, bending over to put on 
our socks and shoes, twisting to get the belt into every loop, dancing 
around the dog again as it tries to get our attention; these are all 
activities that require a tremendous amount of physical activity.  
Toweling + walking + bending + twisting + dancing = 110 calories burnt. 


Monday, 7:30 AM.  We've climbed into our cars, driven the 12 miles to
work, and climbed out.  The twisting and turning alone getting in and 
out of our cars would make Denise Austin break out in a sweat.  We walk 
the 75 yards from our parking spot to the office, unlock the door as 
we're contorting to keep from dropping our briefcase, turn on the 
light, the computer and the radio.  Then we walk down the hall for our 
first cup of company coffee (and our fourth cup overall), walk back, 
sit down and begin our work day.  So let's tally this up ... twisting 
and turning getting in and out of the car + walking to the office + 
contorting at the office door + walking to and from the coffee pot = 
160 calories. 

Monday, 11:30 AM.  We've finished the morning's work, thanks to the four
cups of coffee (for a total of seven by now), so now it's time for 
lunch.  We make the 75 yard walk back to our cars, twist and turn to 
get back in and drive two miles to our favorite fast food restaurant.  
Now, here's the second part of our exercise plan: the food. 

Ordinarily we'd be getting a hamburger or tacos or fries; you know,
middle-aged man food.  But now that we're on our exercise program, we 
have to watch what we eat.  So we look at our options.  We scan the 
menu boards for things not made of red meat and grease. 

We order a chicken sandwich.  And we get it with lettuce and tomato. 
We're beaming with pride over our new found resolve. 

But just to make sure it tastes good, we smother it in mayonnaise. 

And order a large root beer. 

After lunch, we drive the two miles back to the office, with the same
twisting and turning involved in getting into and out of our cars, walk 
the 75 yards back to the office, and start our afternoons. 

Walking + twisting and turning + eating (yes, eating is a physical
activity) + twisting and turning again + walking again = 150 calories. 

Monday, 4:30 PM.  Now our workday is done, and it's time to go home.  On
any typical work day we drop our pens at least four times, so we have 
to bend over to pick them up, with at least one of these times 
involving using our leg to reach underneath some piece of furniture to 
drag the pen within reach. 

We turn off the light, the computer and the radio, we lock our office
doors, we walk the 75 yards back to our cars, we twist and turn to get 
in, we drive the 12 miles home, and we twist and turn again to get out. 


Only this time, as we make the walk from our cars to our homes, we're
jumping over various toys that every child in the neighborhood has left 
in our yard.  We bend over to pick up the newspaper, open the door, 
hang up our coats, put away our briefcases and find the recliner. 

Bending (four times) + dragging (once) + twisting and turning (twice) +
jumping + bending (again) = 125 calories. 

Monday, 8:30 PM.  We've had our dinner, making sure that this time we
didn't take seconds on the meatloaf (and probably ignoring the fact 
that we took more the first time just so we wouldn't have to take 
seconds), and now it's time to walk the dog. 

So we change out of our work clothes, put on socks and sneakers (with
the obligatory bending) and out the door we go. 

Ordinarily, a walk with the dog means putting him on his leash, taking
him to the darkest yard on the block so he can do his business, and 
then taking him home. 

But not today; today we're exercising. 

So off we go.  We walk all the way around the block ... twice, since the
dog (in his amazement that we're actually taking him someplace other 
than the neighbor's yard) didn't want to go just yet.  On the third 
trip around the block, we make sure that the dog does his ‘business' so 
we can get back home, to our recliners. 

This is the best exercise of the day ... eating (yes, again, eating
burns calories) + bending (socks and sneakers, remember?) + walking + 
walking + walking + bending (removing socks and sneakers) = 275 
calories. 

Monday, 10:00 PM.  The day is over.  We've exercised as best we can.  So
now let's add up our calories burnt for the day ... 

Morning orange juice ritual = 45 calories 

Coffee for wife and self = 55 calories 

More coffee for wife and self =	70 calories 

Getting ready for work = 110 calories 

Morning work day = 160 calories 

Lunch time = 150 calories 

Afternoon/drive home = 125 calories 

Walking the dog = 275 calories 

Grand Total		990 calories 

Tell you what ... roll over and give the wife a good night kiss.  That
alone should be worth 10 calories. 

990 calories + a kiss goodnight = 1,000 calories. 

There; you did it.  You burnt a thousand calories, and you didn't have
to buy any self-help books or workout videos, no diet plans or fancy 
machines. 

You did it the good old fashioned way ... by not changing a thing. 

Don't you feel better?  I know I do. 


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