Free Range Chickens (standard:Satire, 3163 words)
Author: freerangemike	Added: Sep 23 2005	Views/Reads: 5167/2637	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A free standing if not free range excerpt from my book. A gang of chickens, mercilously plundering and fighting and being consumed. Actually, the chickens are just a sideshow for the political manueverings of a bunch of political manueverers, but aren't

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Irish Setters could break into chicken pens.  The ranchers figured that 
if there were no coyotes or Irish Setters to prove that their pens 
couldn't protect their chickens from coyotes and Irish Setters, then 
they could continue to claim that pens did in fact protect their 
chickens from coyotes and Irish Setters.   The ranchers began hosting 
NRA conventions, and telling the attendees that coyotes and Irish 
Setters were hybrid deer whose antlers were really big and impressive, 
but on the inside, so you had to cut the deer up to get to em.  The NRA 
went after the coyotes and Irish Setters with a vengeance.  (Of course, 
this deception wasn't really necessary, because the NRA people didn't 
need excuses to shoot things.  All they needed were targets.)  The 
surviving coyotes, with no place else to go, hit the road like Burt 
Reynolds in a Firebird, seeking asylum in Canada or Mexico.  The Irish 
Setters also sought asylum, but from the Indian Nation. 

It was a foolproof plan.  Without Irish Setters or coyotes, there was no
way to prove that the pens didn't protect the chickens from Irish 
Setters or coyotes. 

Liberalis stated, 'Pens don't protect chickens from coyotes or Irish
Setters.' 

Maximus countered, saying, 'They must work, because we no longer lose
chickens to coyotes and Irish Setters.' 

To which Liberalis pleaded, 'That's because there are no more coyotes
and Irish Setters.' 

To which Maximus retorted, 'Then the pens are obviously working.' 

To which Liberalis responded, 'It's because you killed them, not because
of the pens.' 

To which Maximus claimed, 'That's merely a coincidence.' 

To which Liberalis cried, 'Even if that's true, there are no more
coyotes or Irish Setters to need protection from.' 

To which Maximus concluded, 'That's because we killed them, not because
the pens failed to work.  Remember, the pen is mightier than the sword. 
 So if we were so effective in killing the coyotes and Irish Setters, 
there's no telling what the pens would have done.' 

This reasoning protected Maximus throughout the seventies and eighties. 
However, after the cultural renaissance that was the 1990s began, the 
gun control fanatics outlawed the rapid-fire assault weapons the 
ranchers claimed they needed to protect themselves from terrorists and 
thieves who might target their dirt-floored homes.  Some of the coyotes 
and Irish Setters started coming home, and a few survived the ranchers' 
Stalinesque purge.  One night, a coyote or Irish Setter, broke into a 
pen while the ranchers weren't looking.  It ate enough chickens to 
quench its appetite, then left.  The next day Liberalis jumped up and 
down, saying, "Aha, the pens aren't protecting the chickens."  But this 
claim was easily dismissed by the ranchers. 

"Ah, but notice that some of the chickens were not eaten.  For that we
can only thank those pens or else all of our chickens would have been 
eaten.  The pens are the only thing that could have possibly saved the 
surviving chickens." 

"How could they?  The coyote or Irish Setter was already in the pen." 

"We can't figure out how either.  That's the incredible thing you are
failing to realize.  It makes no sense to outsiders, but somehow, these 
makeshift prisons, I mean pens, are the only thing capable of 
protecting chickens.  There was no one or thing around that could have 
protected these surviving chickens; thank goodness we had these pens." 

Liberalis was confounded and could not reply. 

The next week, a pack of coyotes or Irish Setters broke into a different
pen and ate all of the chickens.  Liberalis jumped up and down, saying, 
"Aha, the pens aren't protecting the chickens."  But this claim was 
easily dismissed by the ranchers. 

"There are no chickens in that pen.  How can a pen that has no chickens
in it fail to protect the chickens that aren't in it?" 

Liberalis cried, "There are no chickens in it now because a coyote or
Irish Setter broke into it last night and ate all the chickens." 

"What proof do you have?" questioned Maximus. 

Liberalis smuggly stated, "The huge whole ripped through the fence,
which contains traces of coyote and Irish Setter hair, which we had 
biologically tested.  It is a fact that a coyote or Irish Setter broke 
into that pen last night." 

The Ranchers returned, "We don't dispute that.  A coyote or Irish Setter
did break into that pen, but it is irrelevant, because there are no 
chickens in it to need protection.  Our only assertion was that pens 
protect chickens from coyotes and Irish Setters.  It makes no 
difference to us if the coyotes and Irish Setters break into a pen that 
has no chickens in it." 

Liberalis pleaded, "The chickens were there last night, but they're dead
now.  Look at the chicken bones and carcasses in the pen that the 
coyotes or Irish Setters broke into." 

And in dramatic fashion, Rancherus Maximus stated, "You are obviously
right.  Chicken pens cannot protect chicken bones and carcasses from 
coyotes and Irish Setters.  And because we have no interest in 
oppressing chicken bones and carcasses, we will set them free, per your 
request." 

Liberalis cried, "We don't care about freeing chicken bones and
carcasses."  (This cost Liberalis critical public support, as they were 
perceived as possessing a hypocritical and elitist agenda.)  "The 
bottom line is this: coyotes and Irish Setters don't break into empty 
pens, so if a coyote or Irish Setter breaks into a pen, there must have 
been a chicken in it." 

"That's precisely why we don't care if they are able to break into empty
pens.  They don't want to.  See, coyotes and Irish Setters like to eat 
live chickens.  That's why we need to protect our live chickens.  And 
the only way we know how to protect a live chicken is to put them in 
pens, and thus far, we have seen no proof that the pens are not 
protecting live chickens.  We never claimed that pens keep coyotes and 
Irish Setters out of empty pens, or that pens keep coyotes and Irish 
Setters out of pens with chicken bones and carcasses in them.  Arguing 
such things is not relevant to a discussion on protecting live 
chickens.  We only claimed that pens protect live chickens from coyotes 
and Irish Setters." 

After decades of struggle, the debate was reduced to a simple Catch 22. 
All the chickens were kept in pens.  Any chicken that survived each 
night was attributed to the pen's protection.  Even those maimed were 
spared their lives through the grace of the pen almighty.  Any chicken 
that didn't survive the night was not alive in the morning, meaning it 
was irrelevant to the ongoing discussion on the protection of live 
chickens.  Rancherus Maximus celebrated a hard-fought victory, never 
having figured out that it would have been far easier to simply kill 
Liberalis. 

Liberalis knew they'd have to resort to sneakiness, so they came up with
a plan: Operation Savemysocalledlife.  Operation Savemysocalledlife 
called for Liberalis to stake out a pen, and record the activities 
overnight.  Unfortunately for Liberalis, it is extremely difficult for 
a person to get inside a chicken pen without making a huge racket.  
When they tried, the ranchers would come out and shoot at them, 
claiming that they thought they were a coyote or Irish Setter.  So 
Liberalis moved on to their next plan: Operation Savepartyoffive. 

Savepartyoffive required Liberalis to cut a hole in the side of a pen to
film through it from the outside.  Being quiet and sneaky to avoid 
alerting the ranchers, Liberalis was able to successfully surveillance 
the inside of the pen.  One night, sure enough, they captured footage 
of a coyote or Irish Setter breaking into a pen and snatching a 
chicken.  However, it was far too dark inside the pen to tell what had 
happened.  Their footage was useless.  So they moved on to plan C: 
Operation Savesavedbythebellthecollegeyears. 

Operation Savesavedbythebellthecollegeyears was putting lights inside
the pen.  However, the chickens seemed to think it was daylight, 
because the lights were on, so they continued making happy chicken 
noises at night, which alerted the ranchers, who would start shooting 
at Liberalis again.  So they moved on to the next operation, Operation 
Savechicoandtheman. 

Operation Savechicoandtheman was to keep the lights turned off until a
coyote or Irish Setter snatched a chicken.  When a coyote or Irish 
Setter tripped the switch, the light would come on exposing the coyote 
or Irish Setter, and capturing the whole thing on tape.  And it worked. 
 Finally, they got the footage they were after.  Finally, they could 
prove that chicken pens did not protect chickens from coyotes or Irish 
Setters.  Finally, by releasing this footage, Liberalis would win their 
war with Rancherus Maximus. 

By releasing this footage, Liberalis lost their war with Rancherus
Maximus.  The day the footage was released, one of those 
ultra-conservative right-wing media types wrote a scathing expose on 
Liberalis: 

"Liberalis today released footage showing a vicious, vicious attack. 
They stood by, heartlessly, while a mean coyote or Irish Setter 
massacred a chicken.  They did not try to help.  They didn't call for 
help.  They just sat there and filmed the whole thing, just to win a 
petty battle with Rancherus Maximus.  They were there when that coyote 
or Irish Setter snatched that poor defenseless chicken.  I only say 
defenseless because Liberalis was too busy pursuing political agendas 
to provide assistance.  Those chickens are just a means to an end to 
Liberalis.  Which makes me ask, if Liberalis isn't really concerned 
with the well-being of chickens, what agenda are they really pursuing 
in pushing for the eradication of pens?  Maybe they want to shoot 
footage of the bloodshed that would surely result if the chickens were 
left unprotected by those magnificent pens.  All I know is that I would 
have a hard time associating with a group that just stood by while 
chickens were massacred and then were so cold as to use that massacre 
to their advantage.  A group that was willing to do that might have 
been assisting the coyote or Irish Setter all along.  They might have 
been conspiring to kill chickens from the start.  I think I would have 
to oppose anything they said, based upon principal alone." 

And that was it.  Liberalis lost the public relations battle and the
chicken pen war.  The most ironic thing about the whole dispute was 
that no one seemed to care about the rights of the Irish Setters and 
coyotes. 

Then Homo Organis Tastesbetterus evolved.  Homo Organis Tastesbetterus
reasoned that animals and vegetables raised without the evil use of 
man-made chemicals would taste better.  Evidently a tomato can tell the 
difference between minerals as they are found naturally in the ground 
and those same minerals that are put in the ground and fertilized by 
people.  And as absurd as it sounds, they were right.  Those organic 
tomatoes are heavenly.  Under this new doctrine, Organis Tastesbetterus 
claimed freeing the chickens would make them more healthy and tasty to 
consume.  The ranchers, being more greedy than shrewd, realized they 
could charge more for tastier chickens.  Because they secretly admitted 
that the pens couldn't protect chickens from coyotes and Irish Setters, 
they figured the chickens wouldn't be in any additional danger outside 
the pens anyway.  So Chickenrancherus Maximus threw away the 
painfully-learned lessons of Homos Wearsfurus and tore down their pens, 
letting their chickens freely roam the range. 

This new development thoroughly pleased Organis Tastesbetterus,
Chickenrancherus Maximus, and Vegetabilia Liberalis.  One group 
realized they could charge more for better tasting chicken (and the $2 
million government subsidy for free range chicken research didn't hurt 
either), one group realized they could eat better tasting chicken, and 
the last realized that the chickens were being set free.  Every group 
came out a winner, showing the true beauty of compromise.  Except that 
all were disappointed with the results, showing the true beauty of 
irony. 

After being set free, the chickens wandered off to the gambling casinos
in Oklahoma, captivated by the dream of easy money on Indian 
Reservations and fascinated by the blinking lights.  Upon entering the 
reservations, they found that they were quickly eaten by hordes of 
Irish Setters.  Practically overnight, Rancherus Maximus had no 
chickens to sell; Organis Tastesbetterus had no better-tasting chickens 
to eat, and Vegetabilia Liberalis found little comfort in celebrating 
the freedom of a bunch of chicken carcasses.  (Liberalis failed to 
realize that it wasn't the pens imprisoning the chickens, but rather 
the inherent tastiness of their bodies.  The lesson here is that 
chickens are too tasty of a morsel to simply let wander around freely.) 
 But at least Tastesbetterus was right; the Irish Setters unanimously 
agreed that free range chickens do taste better 

As a herstorical side note, the reign of Chickenrancherus Maximus began
when some cavewoman came to the conclusion that chickens were too dumb 
to stay put unless kept in pens.  She was obviously wrong.  Not that 
chickens wouldn't stay put unless kept in pens, but rather that 
chickens are too dumb to stay put unless kept in pens.  See, the 
rancher intended to kill the chickens, so they would have to be dumb to 
stay put unless they were kept in pens.  Any smart chicken knew her 
only chance for survival was to leave.  The freeing of the chickens 
represented an opportunity for the chickens to evolve as a species.  
Natural selection would surely favor any chicken smart enough to leave 
the ranch before the rancher killed him.  The dumb ones would stay put, 
only to be weeded out from the chicken gene pool.  Soon, a breed of 
specialized super chickens would replace the adorable pets we currently 
know. 

As good as Darwin sounds, this obviously wasn't the case, because
there's no such thing as a smart chicken.  No, the chickens left not 
because they were dumb or smart, but rather because they were just plum 
bored.  And although they escaped natural selection in the form of the 
rancher, they didn't escape natural selection in the form of the 
Oklahoma Irish Setter.  That is, except for a select few free range 
chickens who got tricked by the toll booths on the Oklahoma turnpikes.  
Mistaking the toll booths for slot machines, the chickens soon spent 
all their money feeding the little netted receptacles.  Completely 
broke, they had no need to wander onto an Indian Reservation, and so 
escaped the Irish Setter sentence that befell the rest of their kind.  
These chickens found themselves in a bloody turf war, until they 
realized that there must be more out there than Oklahoma dirt.  
Remembering that birds are supposed to go south for the winter, they 
banded together and decided to go see what Texas had to offer the 
vacationing nomadic chicken. 


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