Senior Reunion Part IV (standard:humor, 4742 words) [4/5] show all parts
Author: Hugh	Added: Oct 02 2004	Views/Reads: 2532/1851	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
More escapades of the senior citizens on their reunion.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

a sour way said, life may be a bitch AXA 2, but they are hundreds of 
them in there. I think I will jack this friendship stuff in and get a 
proper job. Don't do that Teddy I replied; think of all the husbands 
that get peace while they are busy on line being ladies to each other 
like many are. Damn them he replied, they married them, let them 
suffer, I cant stand much more of this. I was happy once jamming up 
other peoples web sites and running amok, Oh how I was happy. 

Teddy I said in sympathy putting my arm around his shaking shoulders
seeing that he was in a rage, and nearly at the crying stage, Look lets 
meet later and jam up the whole net, lets write some viruses and 
Trojans, Spies and all that, nick some credit card details, and send 
love letters to women pretending they are from their husbands 
mistresses. And anything else that catches our imagination and blow up 
the whole net all over the world, wreck loads of marriages, fill up the 
divorce courts, just for some fun. Anything you like that will bring 
back the good old days for you. For the first time ever, teddy was 
excited, Jesus AXA 2, would you do that for me. Teddy us intellectuals 
must stick together, I said, with concern for his mental state. We are 
not communists, and we don't want the world all being the same, it 
would lead to mediocrity and order, all life's fun will disappear. AXA 
2, you think like me, Teddy uttered with relief. Well I would, I 
replied, you are AXA 1. We are brothers under the subterfuge of 
normality, surrounded with abnormality that is considered the normal 
mentality of those under the influence of normality because they do not 
understand abnormality in their normality. He was bemused at my wisdom, 
just as much as I was, I never know what I am talking about at the best 
of times. Hope for a better life emerged from his eyes, this was the 
first time since college that he had met a like-minded soul. I felt 
lost a while ago AXA 2 he said, when my best informer and boot cleaner 
betrayed me, my world collapsed, I just wanted to return to a normal 
life and get a job. Don't do it AXA 1 I said, work kills you. 

Liz waved her leg, and the glitter from the shining ball on the ceiling
dazzled her golden leg, it made me feel aroused, gold does that to some 
people. Hi sweetheart I said. 

I went back to our table and my girl, leaving Teddy with his dreams of
worldwide chaos on the web. Kevin waved, he was getting on fine now 
with Miss Sheely and they seemed to be falling in love, I think Kevin 
likes being bashed, and Miss Sheely likes bashing him. So maybe they 
will marry and have a happy normal married life, I thought to myself. 
Knowing that if he needed to, he could run away to a battered husbands 
home. But like all battered people when asked why they stay, the answer 
is the same every time, because I love him, or her in Kevin's case. 
People are funny like that. 

We haven't made love for years, Oli had told Elizabeth while I was away,
and she told me about it as women do when someone tells them something 
in confidence. I thought poor Stanley look what he is missing, being 
thankful it was he and not I. I asked them all if they wanted a drink, 
as I had to find some food for Kevin. Yes please said doughnut on legs, 
I would like a gallon of cider. I would like a shandy said Stanley. Liz 
wanted a banana milk shake made with oranges. I would just have what 
ever I could find in half filled glasses left on the tables whilst the 
owners were dancing. In Stanley's drink I popped in two viagra tablets 
after crushing them up to dissolve them, and four in doughnuts cider as 
she had more weight to disperse the effect. I figured if it made my leg 
hard, it my help Stanley. I gathered up some big Mac remains from the 
floor and separated the paper and fag ends, then put the beef into four 
slices of bread. There was no other food left on the banquet tables so 
I had no option, victor was hungry. I washed out a napkin and put the 
sandwiches in it. 

I left Oli Stan and Liz enjoying there drinks, and went back to Victors
cell. Here you go mate I said, the last two sandwiches in the place. 
Thanks micky, I never expected the women to leave a couple. Well Vic I 
replied they are dieting at the moment like they do, one day serious 
dieting, the next lying about their weight loss, or go back to just 
comfort eating because we men don't understand them. Victor at least 
had some food. Night victor I said and left him happy once more. What 
the eyes can't see the belly knows not. 

I walked back to the dancing and winked at Teddy who was excited at the
fun to come later with luck, as I re-entered the room. The lights were 
down low and the smoochy dances were in full swing. Oli was getting 
randy, as was Stan. They kissed like no other I had ever seen, as he 
lent forward to kiss oli, she opened her mouth French style and 
swallowed his head. Poor Stan if he dances he has breathing problems, 
and if he kisses he has breathing problems. I got out my diary, and 
wrote do not marry a doughnut, not even if she is rich. 

Oli by know was to far gone, not since she was a young girl in 1845 had
she felt so randy. She lifted up Stanley and took him back to her 
cabin. Liz wanted to dance so I took her onto the floor and we danced 
close together legs entwined with the passion of legless lovers, around 
the 200 women in the middle of the floor, as we slipped and skidded 
over the remains of Big Mac's. As we danced I gazed at the ladies big 
mouths and wondered why they could only eat four at a time. The ferry 
was rocking a little but we had got used to it by now and I had almost 
forgotten my mothers warning. But something told me to prepare for 
abandoning ship at any time. Feeling like fun and games Liz and I 
decided to go and play football again in my cabin. As we passed 
Stanley's cabin we both heard a commotion going on, I opened his door 
silently concerned for his safety, plus being a little nosey whist Liz 
remained outside. There was Stanley naked and aroused trying to get at 
oli, oli was screaming, get on with it you useless b-astard. Stanley 
was running around her in circles trying to find an opening, he was 
pulling her flesh apart, only for it to drop back into place as he 
tried to enter her. 

He was drenched in sweat, and he hadn't done anything yet. Stanley said
turn on your belly I will try from the back. This oli did, anything to 
get the action going. Stan got a ladder and climbed up it till he 
reached her back. There he tried again with his bum scrapping the 
ceiling removing the paint. As much as he tried he could still not find 
a way in. In despair and with a battle ship grey bum, he climbed down 
defeated. 

I shut the door in silence and left them, as she began to strangle
Stanley for being a winkle teaser and getting her aroused and not even 
managing the normal 2 minutes that us men dedicatedly give our women. 

I knew Liz and I would enjoy our football, so we went to my cabin hand
in hand, she envying the love making of Stan and Oli, as she only heard 
the noise, and thought it was passion in full flow, which it was for 
Laurel and hardy. 

I thought to myself, if he wanted to marry a doughnut, or anyone else
for that matter, marry a doughnut with a hole in it, it save a lot of 
grief. 

Chapter 8. 

We kicked around a ball for an hour in my cabin, and fouled each other
as often as possible, tumbling on the floor in a heap as lovers do when 
they are not fighting each other. I had to submit from time to time, as 
I didn't want to appear stuck up, as the English are most of the time. 
I was still a virgin at 72. And all this was new to me. After an 
exhausting second half, we both had a bath to clean ourselves up. We 
saved water by having a team bath just like the professionals do in 
most football clubs, just to sample the atmosphere after a great game. 
Once again washing myself and forgetting the walls. We played 
battleships and submarines in the bath like old people in England do 
every week. She would depth charge me with her fist when my submarine 
surfaced to periscope level in the water, in return I would let a 
torpedo go all the way towards her, only for her to avoid it, sinking 
it once again with a whack, like nurses are expert at. 

This went on for a while, the battle swinging one way, then the other
way. Till the battle drew to a close. Then I let out a fart that sent 
bubbles to the surface of the water to simulate a sunken submarine 
bursting open after a direct hit with a depth charge, to sink forever 
into the suds. She thought it was fun, Micky she said, we never play 
this game back home. Well Liz I told her, we are a naval nation, and we 
are bought up to play in the bath. I was still a naval islander, but 
not a virgin. I often wondered why people married each other, as 
married people seem to fight all the time, but now I knew why. One 
needs the other for real fun. Farting in the bath alone isn't half as 
funny. 

There was an almighty splitting sound followed by a long screeching and
ripping noise. We grabbed our clothes from the floor dressing as fast 
as we could, twice I put on her mini skirt by mistake, yet I felt sexy 
at the same time. Soon we were dressed and running out into the 
hallway. Water was coming from Stanley's cabin, what happened Stan I 
asked, its Oli he screamed, I pushed him aside and entered his cabin, 
Oli had rolled over and with her weight she had holed the ferries side, 
she was wedged half in and half outside the ferry. I then ran to the 
maintenance hold, and grabbed a jack, grease, and a pulley. I ran back 
as fast as I could on one leg, it was then that I realized I had not 
put on my wooden leg in the rush. Stan help me I ordered, he aided me 
and we went to work, Stan attached the jack to her bum, and started 
pumping backwards, whilst I with the pulley attached to her head and 
shoulders did the same, we pumped and pulled at the same time, Liz 
wiping her with grease. It just wasn't enough. The barbarian I thought 
he is strong, hang on Stanley I will be back soon, I rushed upstairs to 
the barbarians cabin, expecting another Glasgow kiss for disturbing 
him, but so what I reasoned, this is an emergency. I hammered on the 
door quietly in case he got mad; Joy wasn't amused when I asked the 
giant to help us with his brute force. Let her get her own barbarian 
said Joy, this one is mine. Joy I said we only want to borrow him, we 
don't want to keep him, Well ok she said but he better come back. He 
will I reassured her, he wants your pub. 

With that the barbarian threw his barbell on the floor next to his
caber, and followed us back to Stanley's cabin. Oli was calling Stan 
all sorts of things because it was his fault she was over weight. Hang 
in there Oli we all shouted. With the jack and pulley tensioned once 
more, and with the barbarian's brute force we all pulled in tandem. Liz 
throwing grease at the same time, slowly she came all the way back into 
the cabin, water now gushing in even faster. We went to her dressing 
table and got out some clothes to stuff in the enormous hole in the 
ferry. The biggest items we could find were her knickers, so we stuffed 
her knickers into the hole, reducing the flow. As her breasts flopped 
about we all ran out into the hallway and pressed the fire alarms. Soon 
the hall was filled with fire fighters and people, panic was 
everywhere. 

Hooters started blasting and the lifeboats where launched. Women and
children first the ferry captain shouted, allowing the men to get there 
first dressed in frocks. I sat down and rested, my mum warned me, and I 
nearly forgot. As the cabins emptied I had to think clearly and I knew 
my sister would get mad once again with me, but I just cant stop myself 
at times, it runs in my blood, like its my instinct. Liz I said go on 
deck and get in the lifeboat I will join you soon. What about you she 
cried, Liz I have to get Victor out of the cells or he will drown. Yes 
I forgot she said, OK see you on deck. Alone at last I reverted to my 
natural self. I got my bankers drafts stuffed them into my waistband, 
and then I ransacked all the cabins, nicking all the jewellery cash and 
valuables. Bunging them all into a sack. Floor by floor, till I reached 
the Ferry reception area, there the safe was still open from cashing up 
the days takings, and all the money taken since leaving harbour I was 
over loaded. My main job done, I left my sack near the deck entrance 
and with my conscience clear once more, and my nature satisfied. I then 
went to help my fellow man. Victor are you here I called, Yes Mick, he 
was still singing shanty songs and as happy as a sand boy. I grabbed 
the cell keys and let him out, the ships sinking victor get off now, 
sobering up fast he grasped the situation, thinking of his friends he 
said, are they safe, Vic I said, I don't know or care just get off the 
bloody boat. He ran out of the cellblock and disappeared in a panic. 

I returned to my booty, and went on deck. Oli,s knickers stuffed in the
hole had given us all more time. But the water was rising fast so the 
knickers must have come out of the hole under the pressure from the 
ocean outside. If only she had bigger knickers I thought the ferry 
might not be sinking. There and again I thought, viagra should be 
banned. It has the wrong effect on some people. 

As I carried my booty to the lifeboats, several of the fat ladies
floated by me on the way to the ocean. Hi I said to them. Micky they 
shouted back, what time is breakfast. I smiled and said to my self. 
Aren't they something, the blasted ferry is sinking and they want 
breakfast. 

The filing clerk emerged with her minder both had a filing cabinet
strapped to there backs, she was not going to loss a life's work now, 
not even with the ferry sinking. They held hands as lovers do, and 
jumped, nobody ever saw them again as they sank to the bottom of the 
ocean complete with filing cabinets. Victor was safe now I thought, all 
the evidence has gone. 

Russell was writing the story, happy with his scoop. He looked at the
name of the ferry for the first time, it said Titian. He wrote in his 
notebook, today I was a witness to the sinking of the titanic, etc. 
Isn't it marvellous how we believe what journalists write I thought? 

Liz was in the one lifeboat; I threw my bag into her boat, and jumped
into the sea, swimming to her boat on my floating wooden leg. I pulled 
myself aboard. Is victor ok She said, yes sweetheart I let him out, 
what about the padre and Captain ST Bligh she inquired. Jesus I said, I 
forgot about them. Well it don't matter anyway Liz, The padre will go 
to heaven. The captain will have to make his own way out. Not telling 
her he was chained with leg irons on the front of the ferry having his 
pants blow-dried. 

Boats started to leave the sinking ferry, people calling out for help, I
shouting back, go to the social security office if you need any help. 
Remembering with that, I needed to send in my rent and council tax 
rebate forms as soon as we hit land with a post box on it. Kevin swam 
over to our boat, strapped to Miss Sheely, s handbag. , I was going to 
whack him with our ore but I thought this is no time for fun and games. 
He pushed Miss Sheely over the edge of our boat and lifted himself 
aboard as well. Hi kev, Hi Mick we greeted each other with. Miss Sheely 
them whacked him, for getting her hair wet while she was in the water. 

We drifted a while watching the ferry slowly sinking, from the back.
Teddy swam past our boat calling for help. Help him the ladies said, 
why said Kevin, he don't help me, or me I replied as well. Seeing the 
girls upset at teddies plight we decided to help him, are you a member 
I checked first with him, yes I am he replied I am AXA, is that AXA 1 
Or AXA 2 I checked with him, or are you one of those Hugh's, Don't 
screw up he yelled I am drowning. We relented on the promise that he 
rejoins the club under his right name. He agreed, and then we hauled 
him aboard. 

The ferry lights were full ablaze still, as the ferry started to sink
faster. We watched as it submerged. Then all of a sudden with lights 
ablaze we saw the captain still chained to the deck screaming, we could 
not hear what he was saying, but he could have been singing, and 
Merriam holding on to him. He looked like Leonardo Di Caprio, s 
Grandfather, And She Kate Winslets great grandmother, I knew for sure 
she wasn't going to let her man go, she wanted one, and that was that. 
Women get like that, when they are in love. 

I thought to my self its better this end at the bottom of the ocean,
then her taking his body back to the USA, and opening up another Norman 
Bates Motel. 

Kevin cried at loosing an old comrade from the trenches of the seniority
friendship forum, but his tears were dry. The girls thought it romantic 
seeing them both going down with the ferry. It reminded me of gone with 
the wind, Scarlet O Hara, and Rhet Butler, so I farted my last fart to 
him, out of deep respect. 

Teddy felt low at loosing a long time informer and forum diplomat. He
stood up and shouted that old military salute to a comrade, you stupid 
Pratt. 

We drifted till dawn letting the girl's row around in a circle hopping
to spot land. Kev, Ted, and me went through the boats survival 
equipment; there was a radio, map, compass, water, five big Mac's with 
chips and milk shakes, and some dried food. 

At daylight we saw one other lifeboat in the distance, but nothing else,
just a hole in the water where the ferry went down. I marked the hole 
on the boat map in case others needed to find it. 

Kev took one ore, and Miss Sheeley the other one, together they rowed
backwards. After a while me and Teddy took our turn, rowing forward. 
After a while we approached the other boat, which had been going around 
in circles, we shouted out, ahoy there. The barbarian and Joy were in 
it, there was an almighty argument going on, he wanted to row to 
Scotland which was nearer, and she wanted to row to the USA, to vote in 
the election. Nothing could stop these two, both were stubborn, so with 
respect to our health and not wanting them to wreck our boat we 
departed as they both continued to row in the opposite direction, 
continuing the circle they had been in for ages. We wondered who would 
win, as the distance between us grew greater. 

Teddy tuned in the radio and sent out SOS and Mayday messages in Gaelic.
For days we saw nothing, and no help came our way. He left the radio 
on. On the third day we heard a Japanese pilot saying that 200 whales 
had been seen spotted swimming towards England and called out the 
Japanese whaling fleet to go and harpoon them. We wonder, were they the 
fat women from the middle of the dance floor. 

We were now down to dried food and water. When all of a sudden Kevin had
spotted land not far away. We all took turns and rowed in that 
direction. Kevin and Miss Sheely rowing backwards and me and Teddy 
rowing forward. After two days we landed on the beach. Resting a while 
after our ordeal we wondered why it took so long and where we were. 

A frog came up to us, so Kevin trod on it. I don't like frogs said
Kevin. I looked at the Frenchman and said sorry mate we thought you was 
someone else, with my full apology, he got up. I understood Kevin's 
feelings but at this moment in time, a frog is as good as anyone else. 
Teddy thought the Frog was Bonnie Prince Charlie as he had been 
drinking seawater, and he wanted to invade England again. There is no 
answer to Teddy I thought to myself, he wont feel normal till I get him 
a computer to jam up Microsoft again. 

In broken French I said hello where is the euro-star terminal from
waterloo. He replied in English, a French word I had never heard 
before, and went off in a huff, like the French do with English people 
if you mention Agincourt or Waterloo. We all gave him the V sign, And 
shouted out, Longbows. 

Looks like we are on our own boys and girls I said. We picked our bits
and pieces, me with my sack, and we headed inland to civilization in a 
backward nation, and our future. 


Tweet