Smoke in Wonderland (standard:fantasy, 2683 words)
Author: hvysmker	Added: Apr 10 2004	Views/Reads: 3875/2483	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Loosely based on the Louis Carroll story, but with an Adult Bent. Profanity and Adult subjects. A slightly different Wonderland.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


“What did she do with them Harry, maybe you can find them again.  The
trash isn't picked up until Thursday.” 

“She said she threw them away in Wonderland.  Where the hell is
Wonderland, for Christ's sake.  Well that young lady is going to bed 
without any supper.  And then you and I are going to search the 
neighborhood.  They're to heavy for her to have taken too far.” 

Alice was sent to bed without her supper.  Her mother did sneak her up a
sandwich and some milk, though.  In the morning she was given an 
envelope to take to her teacher.  Alice didn't know what it said, but 
it made her teacher look funny with such a white face when the teacher 
read it.  She heard the teacher tell the Assistant Principle something 
about a suit, some kind of law kind. 

When Alice got home from school she immediately booted up her daddy's
computer again.  Then she went to feed her pet rabbits, Snowball and 
the kids. 

“I'm going to Wonderland, Snowball.  You wanta go visit Oscar?”  Oscar
the Wonderland rabbit was the father of Snowball's kids.  Snowball 
looked at all the little rabbits running around the enclosed porch and 
sadly shook her head.  She must be too busy. 

“I'll say hello for you, Snowball.”  She told the bunny.  Alice changed
to some old slacks and a blouse, she could dress herself, and hurried 
to the computer.  By now, Alice had the process all worked out.  She 
could easily squeeze through the monitor and step onto a platform built 
on the other side.  It had steps, with a railing to hold onto.  It was 
much easier than before. 

She wanted to get her daddy's stuff back to make him happy.  He had
explained that not all that stuff the teacher said was true.  All about 
those studies being thrown out of court and stuff.  If you were 
otherwise healthy, tobacco didn't hurt you much, if at all.  That 
adults should have the right to do something that might be dangerous, 
if they wanted to. 

They were all gone!  Every pack and package.  All the boxes and sacks
were gone.  Alice looked around.  Nope, nothing.  She did see a couple 
of parallel tracks leading away from her platform. 

“Somebody carried them away.  I have to find them and get them back.” 
She thought.  Alice started walking.  First she went over the fields, 
then into the forest.  The trail wondered around in big circles.  It 
was built by one of the Tweedles, Dum, she thought.  He had gotten lost 
while he built it, so it went in circles. 

When she finally got through the forest, she saw that the tracks were
leading toward the Black Queen's Palace.  Nobody was around to ask, so 
she just kept walking. 

As she got nearer the Palace she finally found someone.  It was Gargie
the Dragon, and he was smoking a cigar.  She wanted to ask him about 
her daddy's stuff. 

“Hi, there, Alice.  Thanks for the cigars.  I haven't had any since I
left England.” In a deep rumbling voice.  Dragons always talked that 
way. 

“They're my daddy's and I have to get them back.  He's very mad at me,
Gargie.” 

“You mean they weren't a gift?”  Gargoyle, or Gargie, asked.  “We
thought they were.  The Diamonds were playing war games in the meadow 
and found them by your entrance.” 

Alice had to explain to the Dragon.  All about the teacher and her
father and her mother and the suit thing all of that stuff.  She tried 
to do it in one breath, and almost made it.  Gargie told her, 

“Slow down, young lady, slow down.”  So Alice had to start all over. 

“Lets us go see the Black Queen.  She has some of it left.  We already
smoked a lot though, and I have some in my cave.” 

Since Alice was getting tired from all that walking, Gargie gave her a
ride on his big, scaly head..  He made big steps and they soon came to 
the big, black Castle.  Alice had never been inside before.  She had 
met the Black Queen before, and was a good friend of the Red one, but 
had never really talked to the Black Queen. 

Just things like “Hello”,” How are You”, and “Please pass the jelly.” 
The inside of the Castle was all black.  Black walls, black floors, 
black chairs, and black tables.   She saw four Pawns mopping the floor, 
Alice didn't like to mop floors, and they were dressed in black too.  
There were spots of red from their cigarettes, though. 

“Can we see the Queen?”  Alice asked one of the mopping cards, the six
of Spades. 

“Oh, hi Alice.  Didn't see you come it.”  Although how he could miss the
huge Gargie, Alice didn't know.  “She's in her office, around back of 
the throne.  Don't forget to knock though.” 

Of course Alice would knock, she was a polite little girl.  They went
back to the office, Gargie almost hitting the ceiling with his horny 
head.  Alice knocked softly on the door. 

“Come, ‘cough, cough' in.”  It was hard to see the Black Queen in the
small smoke filled room.  She was, of course, dressed in black, and had 
four cigarettes blazing in a seashell on her desk.  Her white face and 
hair seemed to be floating in a cloud, as she lit a fifth cigarette. 

“Hi, little ‘cough, cough, hack' little Alice, how ‘cough' you doing
‘cough, hack' today?”  Having lit the cigarette, she started to unwrap 
a cigar. 

Gargie, fearing for the Queen's life, used his wings to blow the smoke
out of the room. 

“That's better, your Majesty.  Why all the cigarettes and cigars?”  She
had finished unwrapping the cylinder and was looking for her lighter. 

“I'm the Queen.  It's my duty to prove I can take more smoke than my
subjects.  Set an example, you know.  Make my subjects look up to me.” 

“How can they look up to you if they can't even see you?”  Alice asked,
handing her the lighter.  “Do you really like to smoke like that?” 

“I hate it, but a Queen must do her duty.” 

“Why not just make a law that no one can smoke more than one at a time? 
Then you can show that you follow your own laws?”  Gargie asked her. 

“Actually, I don't like to smoke at all.” The Queen answered, not
lighting the cigar. 

“Then make a law saying none of your subjects can smoke at all?”  Alice
told her.  “I have to take all of this stuff back to my daddy anyway.” 

The Black Queen had to think that over.  The things were causing a lot
of trouble already.  Her workers were already demanding Smoke Breaks, 
and productivity was down, all in just one day.  She, herself, didn't 
really like the smoke, but a lot of her subjects did. 

“I don't know Alice.  Some of my people do like it.  I would seem like a
bitch if I made them stop just because I don't like it.  It's not easy 
running a kingdom.  I have a rook who would just love to take over.” 

“You can keep some of the stuff to use for rewards.  Just pass out a few
once in a while.  That way the workers would work harder, to get a 
cigar?”  Alice had been studying Commerce in school. “Like ‘Give the 
Winner a Cigar'.” 

The Black Queen agreed with that idea.  The Madhatter and the Dormouse
were in the kitchen, so all of them had tea, with plenty of butter, 
before leaving. 

Alice was sad though, she still didn't have any stuff to give back to
her daddy. 

“Why don't I give you something else to give him, Alice?”  Gargie asked
Alice, who was again sitting on his neck and holding on to his horn.  
“Let's go to my cave and find something.”  They turned around and went 
to Gargie's home.  It was in the Red Queen's kingdom. 

You see, when humans started taking over the whole Earth, some
creatures, like Dragons, and Ogres, found themselves pushed out of 
their homes.  Some of them moved to Wonderland to have room to live.  
Gargie was a wealthy English dragon.  A housing subdivision took over 
the forest he had lived in for many hundreds of years.  The Red Queen 
asked him to move in. 

Gargie was very rich.  Some of his ancestors weren't very nice people
and stole a lot of gold and jewels from people.  Now it belonged to 
Gargie. 

“Here we are, Alice, you better get off now.”  Gargie knelt down to let
Alice swing off his back.  They were in a large cave, with those things 
sticking up and hanging down.  Alice hadn't gone far enough in school 
yet to know their names.  Gargie had a lot of very, very big furniture 
in the middle of the room. 

He had a large bed and it was made, Gargie made his own bed every
morning.  And all his dishes were washed, just like her mother did at 
home. 

“Come on, let's look and see what we should give him for the cigars and
cigarettes.”  They went to the back of the cave, where Gargie kept his 
treasures. 

“Don't forget those things that make fire, the lighters.” 

Alice liked playing with all the shiny stuff, rings, bracelets, things
to go around your neck, and that kind of junk.  The gold was pretty 
heavy though.  Too heavy for her to carry.  She wanted to take some 
jewelry but, Gargie being wise to humans, gave her a bar of gold 
instead.  He knew that it would be easier to convert to paper money. 

“You can come back whenever you want to play with the jewels, Alice, but
we should just give him some gold to pay for the stuff.”  He thought 
for a minute.  “We better stop at Oscar, the white rabbit's place on 
the way.  It would be better to have him write a note to your daddy.”   
Of  course Gargie could read and write, but his writing was in huge 
letters. 

Gargie carried the brick and Alice and they went to find Oscar.  The two
found him running up and down the river bank waiting for a bridge to 
come along.  He was very impatient, but then Oscar always was 
impatient, and even then always late. 

There were only two bridges in Wonderland.  They ran up and down each
side of the river, looking for customers.  Most people just sat and 
dangled their feet in the river, and waited. 

“Can you write me a letter, Oscar.  One that says Gargie here is giving
me this gold stuff to pay for my daddy's cigarette stuff?” 

Gargie had a sheet of paper and Alice had a pencil from school stuck in
her hair.  Oscar wrote the note and she thanked him.  After that Oscar 
just sort of stood around fidgeting and looking around, and at them. 

“Oh,” Alice remembered, “Snowball says hello, for her and the kids. 
Maybe she'll come next time.”  Oscar looked sad.  He missed his 
children. 

Gargie took Alice back to her entrance platform.  He had a hard time
getting the little block of gold through the little monitor window, but 
it was too heavy for Alice.  Finally, he held it between two huge 
fingernails and dropped it on her daddy's desk. 

Alice was almost late getting back, going to the Castle, Cave, and then
seeing Oscar.  Her mother was due pretty quick.  She turned off her 
daddy's computer and watched television until her mother came home. 

“Where did this come from?”  She could see her mother pick up the gold
bar.  “Damn, it's heavy.  Is this really gold?  It looks like it, and 
is certainly heavy enough.  And with a picture of a dragon on the 
side.”  She picked up and read the note. 

Her mother looked confused.  Looking at the note, the gold, and over to
Alice.  Alice just sat and looked innocent.  Let them figure it out.  
She had to find a way to get more cigars for Gargie.


Tweet