ALICE’S ADVENTURES IN EVIL-LAND (standard:humor, 1438 words)
Author: D. L. Morgan	Added: Dec 08 2003	Views/Reads: 3500/2342	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
The first chapter of a book I’m working on. Comments are welcome. Alice and her uncle warp into the future where music is evil and tubing can be dangerous. Enjoy. Dale

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

**** 

They had stopped in front of the Phoenicia dinner.  Alice remembered the
place, because she had eaten there once before. The car's motor was 
smoking. Alice's uncle got out to look and Alice joined him at the 
front of the mustang. 

"Open the hood, Mike." 

A car went by. It had no wheels. 'VERY STRANGE,' Alice thought. 

The strange car that had no wheels; instead it had only a thick, black
band that went around the base. In the front were two large propellers 
that were sucking in huge amounts of air. Some of the air came out the 
back to propel the car forward, but most come out the bottom to hold 
the car off the ground. 

Then Mikes face had changed from exasperation to fear. 

A police car with no wheels went by. It was white with blue lights and
had 'Village of Phoenicia' written on the side.   Alice felt a cushion 
of air as it pasted, now chasing Mike's mustang. Mike was backing up so 
fast that mag wheels were smoking. Then mikes car disappeared in the 
cloud of smoke. 

"CURSE WORD," Alice's uncle said at Mike. "I can't believe that he left
us." 

"What are we going to do?" Alice asked. 

"Eat," Alice's uncle replied. 

**** 

They across the road and went into the Phoenicia dinner and sat down at
a booth. A waitress gave them each a menu. She wore a pretty blue 
dress. Her face was plain and she wore square rim glasses. The 
remarkable thing was her chest. It was large. Not that god had made her 
that way but she was wearing two balloons under her dress. Alice's 
uncle gawked. 

"My friend told me, 'The bigger these are the better the tips'. I'll be
back for your order," she said while holding the balloons. 

* 

The menu: Cheese burger. Cheese burger and fry. Cheese burger, Coke and
fry. Cheese burger, Pepsi and fry. 

* 

"I wonder if they have anything besides a cheese burger," Alice asked
her uncle. 

"Hush. Y'all shouldn't ask," A man whispered in a thick southern accent
from the next booth. 

He wore a gray suite with long tails on the jacket. On his head was a
very tall black top hat. 

"And why not?" Alice asked. 

"Because that is all they serve here. Y'all in the habit to ask for
things that y'all can not have?" he had gotten up from his booth and 
sat next to Alice. 

"All of the time," replied Alice's uncle. "Last week she wanted a pony;
this week a piano." 

The man slid away from her. "You wants to be a musician?" 

"Why? What wrong with that?" Alice asked. 

"Only a gypsy, or vagabonds, scum and the hopelessly unemployed play
music. That's why." 

The waitress came and took their order. "One Coke, One Pepsi and one
fry," she shouted back at the kitchen. 

"My name is Tom Cats, but y'all can call me by my nick name, Chi-sure" 

Alice tried to remember the last time that she was at dinner was with
her dad. Not much had changed except for the waitress. Her drink didn't 
taste right. As if someone one took out the sugar. After eating their 
cheese buggers, Alice's uncle tried to pay, but the waitress would not 
take his money. 

"Too old," she complained. 

"I'll pay for the dinner," Chi-sure said. 

Chi-sure paid the balloon waitress with some funny looking money. 

"I know someone who will be interested in buying your old money. He
collects old stuff," Chi-sure said. 

Then he traded Alice's uncle's money with some of his. 

"What year is it?" Alice's uncle asked. 

"Twenty eighty seven in the year of Gov," Chi-sure explained. 

"Don't you mean god?" Alice asked. 

"No. I mean Gov. After all, what is more important? God or Government?" 

Alice's uncle left a big tip for the waitress. 

"I'm a taking the train to Phoenicia. Would y'all like to come along?"
Chi-sure said, as they walked out the front door. 

Alice's uncle looked for Mike, but he was nowhere to be found. 

"Sure, why not." 

**** 

They went across route 28 and waited at the tracks for the Catskill
Mountain Railroad. Alice's uncle paid their fares with his new funny 
money. 

**** 

Passing the Sleepy Hollow Campground, Alice saw two boys arguing. 

"Musician," a boy said to the other. 

"Horn player," the other boy said. 

"Tuba blower," the first boy said. 

The other boy said slowly, "Heavy Metal Guitarist," to add more of an
insult. 

And with that a fistfight started. 

Chi-sure looked over his shoulder and shrugged. 

**** 

Off in the distance Alice saw a sign. 

It read: 

* 

Welcome to Phoenicia. 

No recording devices. 

* 

Over the sign was a mid-evil torture chamber with a skeleton inside. 

"I wonder what he did," Alice's uncle asked as the train passed. 

"It's not a he," Chi-sure said. "That's a she." 

"And what did she do?" Alice asked Chi-sure. 

"Her name is Madonna. She was a crazy old woman who a long time ago went
around recording everyone. Music is evil. But recording it is even more 
evil. After all, who in the right mind would want evil in their 
pockets?" 

**** 

The train arrived at the bridge, and Alice, her uncle and Chi-sure got
off. 

Alice ran over to the railing to look down at the clear water from the
bridge. Her uncle, depressed, took a Sony Walkman with a Grand Funk 
Railroad tape inside from his pocket and tossed it into the esopus 
creek. 

Chi-sure's eyes almost popped out of his head. 

"Y'all like living dangerously don't you?" Chi-sure said to Alice's
uncle. 

"Wow, look at that," Chi-sure said as he watched two young children at
Tom Tinker Tube Rental rent a tube. "Now they have guts." 

The teenager who rented the tube to the brother and sister shook her
head as they walked away dragging the truck tube on the ground. 

"Going tubing?" Alice's uncle asked the young girl as she passed by. 

"Sort of," the young girl responded. 

"That looks like it could be fun," Alice's uncle said to Alice. 

"Very, very, reckless," Chi-sure commented. 

They stood on the bridge and watched the children dragging the tube up
the creek bank. The kids had a mannequin wearing a woman's dress 
waiting for them. They put the mannequin on the tube and carefully 
floated it down the stream. Then they went to the top of the bank and 
shouted: 

"Tubers, Tubers, Tubers!" 

From almost out of nowhere, people were shooting at the tube and
mannequin. Guns of all types were being fired from bushes, behind trees 
and a few who had stopped and got out of their cars with machine guns. 
The two kids were shooting BB guns at the tube and even Chi-sure was 
shooting his pistol. 

Alice and her uncle stood and watched as the tube slowly sank into the
esopus creek. 

"I can't believe that just happen," Alice said to her uncle. 

"It's ok. I have a Tuber's Hunting License," Chi-sure said, as he tucked
his gun behind his back. 

**** 

Chapter 2 

Live Music 

**** 

They all walk to main street. Alice watched the cars go by amazed that
they were riding on cushions of air. 

"Let's go and watch the bands play," Chi-sure said. 

"I thought that music was evil," Alice's uncle said. 

"It is," Chi-sure replied, "But the Gov. put on these shows." 

"I don't under stand," Alice's Uncle said. 

"The Gov. puts on a show every Friday for the people." 

"Why?" Alice asked. 

"To make the hopelessly unemployed work. These musicians are scum and
the Gov. had to do something with them." Chi-sure said to Alice. 

**** 

Phoenicia had a lot of traffic on Friday, mostly coming from Woodstock
to watch the bands play. Cars going up and down main street, all seem 
to be looking for a place to park. 

Alice, her uncle and Chi-sure were walking with other people, all
heading to the sound of music.  As they turned a corner and went down a 
side street they could hear all sorts of music playing. 

Down the street a large crowd of people was standing in the street
staring up at the stages that line each side of the street, all wearing 
black cloaks with hoods. And their faces were covered by large dark 
sunglasses. On the backs of each cloak was the logo of Ache-vis or 
Hurts. 

Chi-sure put up his arms and held back Alice on one side and Alice's
uncle on the other. 

Closer two booths were on each side of the street. One said Ache-vis
banner behind and the other had a Hurts. The booths were made of chrome 
diamond plate steel and the attendants at each had guns pointed at 
their competitor's booth. One side would shoot at the other, and then 
the other side would volley back. 

Chi-sure shouted, "Customers!" 

And with that the workers stop their gun battle and stood up and greeted
their customers. 

"The coats and glasses are so no one will recognize us. Y'all wouldn't
want to be seen listening to music." explained Chi-sure as they walked 
up to the counter. 

The woman worker gave Alice's uncle and Chi-sure a cloak after Alice's
uncle paid with more of his funny money. Chi-sure put his top hat on 
top of his hood. 

"I can't rent to her. She is way too young," the attendant said to
Alice's uncle. 

"Give her a new head," Chi-sure suggested. 

"A new head? I shouldn't do that. I can't do that. I won't do that." The
woman replied. 

"Will pay extra," Chi-sure said, as he held up some funny money. 

A man with word 'MANAGEMENT' on his shirt took Chi-sure funny money with
one hand and gave Alice a cloak with the other. 

It was an odd cloak, with a rubber head and sunglass glued into the
hood. The man sat it upon Alice's head and button up the front. She was 
now a foot and a half taller. Alice was able to see out of the two 
small holes cut in the front. 

The music was loud; each band was playing a different song. 

* 

I'm dolt better y'all. 

Music man piece of the band. 

Riding qui li. 

Hoofs emboss in sand. 

Heavens lofty beyond thee. 

Abraxas days went away. 

Darkness and light glass I see. 

Yesterday became today. 

* 

"That makes no sense." Alice's uncle said to Chi-sure. "It's not
supposed too, its rock music." 

The music was so loud that Alice put her fingers in her ears. They
walked down the street and more stages with more musicians' playing. In 
front of each stage was a Rolodex with large numbers on it. 

* 

My cat died. 

My dog died. 

My horse died. 

My girlfriend died. 

And I'm going to die in, 

* 

The singer in western garb looked over the stage to read the number 76
on it. 

* 

Die in 76 weeks. 

* 

"What are the numbers in front of the stage? Some sort of rating
system?" Alice's uncle ask Chi-sure 

"Yes and no. They start at 100 and then they lower the number every
week. And if the crowd doesn't like the band after the when their 
number reaches zero, we shoot the band. When your number is up, it's 
up." 

"That kind of harsh." 

"Not really. They seem to get better when the number gets low. Besides
the Gov. gives them a place to stay, food and spending money." 

Alice had a hard time seeing and the rubber head was straining her neck.
With her fingers in her ears the music was starting to give her such a 
headache. She wanted to leave. Down the street was a small park. Alice 
walked to the park and her uncle and Chi-sure followed her. 

In the small park was only one stage. There was no number in front of
it. The band played well. 'A lot better than the noise up the street' 
Alice thought. A young man played lead electric guitar, not loud, but 
slow and concise. Some of the people watching had brought wooden 
folding chairs and were sitting on them. Alice sat on the grass 
enjoying his guitar playing. 

A man was walking around the crowd wearing a small keg, in a nap sack,
upon his back. In the front he had plastic cups on one side. The tap 
slung over his shoulder on the other side. In the middle, a tray held 
up by straps around his neck and waste. He shouted: 

"Cold beer, two dollars!" 

The young man stopped playing to get a beer among with others. 

"This beer is warm," one customer complained. "I want my money back." 

The guitarist was the only one to drink. The others had all dump out
their cups and demanded their money back. 

The guitarist continued to play, every once in a while stopping to get a
warm beer. The concessionaire was now charging only fifty cents and 
just saying, "Beer. Get you beer." 

After the fourth warm beer his guitar playing was no longer concise, but
rather sloppy. Then he said in a slurred voice; "I am the greatest. I 
am the greatest." 

The crowd booed. 

"If any of you people think that you can play better then me come up and
prove it." 

A man from the audience walked around and went up on stage. He took off
his cloak and sandglass only to reveal himself as the grate, grate, 
grand son of Eric Capton. The audience roared as the drunken young man 
left the stage. 

**** 

All of a sudden, police sirens, then police cars came and blocked the
streets. A flat bed truck pulled into the small park in front of the 
stage. On it was portable toilets. All of the music had stop and men 
holding machine guns, in black jackets, with FBI written in large 
letters on the back of them, was making everyone line up to the 
toilets. 

"What's going on?" Alice's uncle asked Chi-sure. 

"Phoenicia Bladder Investigation. Y'all haven't been eating candy
lately? Have yaw?" 

"Why?" asked Alice. 

"Cause sugar is illegal.  The GOV. says; every crime can be traced back
to a sugar imbalance. That's why. Don't worry your pretty little head 
off; you go in a cup, pass the litmus test and they let you go. And 
what ever you do, don't let them know that you're just a kid." 

"And if you can't go" Alice's uncle asked Chi-sure. 

A shot rang out from the back of the flat bed truck. 

"Get your warm beer, Fifty Dollars!" 

Chi-sure look at Alice's uncle as if he had just asked the dumbness
question in the whole world. 

They waited in line watching other people buying warm beer. The line
moved slowly. 

"Isn't Phoenicia spelled with a 'P' and not an 'F'?" 

"You go tell them. Just remember that the men with the machine guns
usually are right." Chi-sure replied to Alice's uncle as they stood in 
line. 

Alice tried to walk up the stairs to the portable toilets, keeping her
cloak on, but she could not see very well and tripped. Her head fell 
off, and everyone could see that was a child. 

"Who allowed this adolescent listen to music?" One FBI man shouted. 

"I did" Alice's uncle said, with out asking Chi-sure. 

He wished that he did. 

DARKNESS. 

**** 

Chapter 3 

Tubing Anyone? 

**** 

Alice watched as an FBI man pistol whipped her uncle in the back of the
head. She wanted to warn her uncle, but it happen so fast. Chi-sure 
said nothing and acted as he did not know Alice's uncle. Two FBI men 
took Alice to a police car and put her in the back, then went back to 
work. Chi-sure took the test and passed, then moved stealthily up to 
Alice in the back of the police car. 

"I'll meet you on main street," he whispered to Alice. 

"How?" 

"Silly girl, the doors aren't locked. They are only after real criminals
'Candy Eaters'. After I'm out of sight, run away" 

Alice waited. Chi-sure sure did seem like he was taking his time.
Finally he did go out of sight. Alice bolted form the police car and 
ran as fast as she could. The FBI men watched as she ran away but 
Chi-sure was right, none chase her. (The truth is they were all too 
afraid to leave their assigned posts.) 

Alice met Chi-sure in front of the Phoenicia Hotel. 

"Where did they take my uncle?" 

"That was your uncle? I thought that he was your dad." 

"Nope. Uncle." 

Chi-sure looked at Alice and lifted his top hat and scratched his head. 

"Well, child, I barely know you. Why should I help you? Your uncle is
pretty daft, you know." 

"Because." 

"Because. Why?" 

"Because you're the only person I know here other than my uncle and
Mike" Alice started to cry. 

"Gee. You're a nice girl, but I don't even know your name," Chi-sure
said to Alice. 

"I'm Alice." Alice said through her tears. 

"Alice. That a nice name." 

"I hate it." 

"Why, may I ask?" 

"I'd rather have a cool nickname." 

"Like what?" 

"I don't know. But something that's cool" 

"Nicknames aren't something that one picks. Your friends usually pick
them fore yaw. Take mine, in school I got four 22 on tests in a row. 
After that everyone in the frat house started calling me Chi-sure." 

Alice looked down main street Phoenicia. Most of the cars that came for
the music were leaving, creating a traffic jam at the end of the street 
that went to Woodstock. 

"I'm thirsty, would you like a bottle of water and a celery stick?"
Chi-sure asked Alice. 

"Ok," Alice replied, thinking about her uncle and wondering if she could
do anything for him. 

They crossed the street to the mini mart. It looked like everyone that
Alice had seen before. Except for the gas pumps didn't have hoses; they 
had cords that plugged into the floating cars. Three teenagers stared 
into the window. Alice in turned stared at the two boys and one girl 
wearing old clothes as if they were bums. They looked as if they were 
starving. Chi-sure held up a card to the door and the cashier let him 
in. Alice tried to follow him, but the door shut too quickly and 
locked. 

"He ant's a Gov. worker is he?" the girl asked. 

Alice shrugged her shoulders as to say, I DON'T KNOW. 

The three ignored her and back to staring into the window, apparently at
the candy display. 

Chi-sure came out the door only after the cashier pressed the door
button making a bussing sound. 

"Sir, excuse me. But do you work for the Gov.?" the girl asked, Chi-sure
as he passed. 

"No," he replied. 

Alice looked over her shoulder as they walked away, seeing the despair
in the young teens faces. 

"You have to be ruthless with those sorts," Chi-sure said. 

Alice looked at Chi-sure and asked, "Why?" 

"If there is anything I can't stand it's a junk food junky. I know it's
not their fault. Someone gives some poor kid gets a penny candy and the 
next thing y'all know they end up like that." 

**** 

Alice accompany Chi-sure as he walked back to the bridge. He stopped in
front of Tom Tinker Tube Rental. 

"I left my motorcycle at Mount Tremper, Would you like to go tubing down
to get it?" 

Alice thought, what reckless madman would go tubing after what she saw
EARLIER? 

"Me and the little princess would like three tubes" Chi-sure said to the
attendant. 

"She has to wear a life jacket and do you want sneakers?" 

"No. I have my own but she will need sneakers and a swim suit." 

Alice motioned for Chi-sure to bend over. 

"Isn't tubing a little dangerous?" Alice asked Chi-sure remembering what
had happen when they were on the bridge earlier. 

"Nay. Just as safe as riding a bicycle." 

"They shoot at bicycles too?" 

"No. It's after noon. No one should shoot at us. See, the Tubing Hunting
License is only good for Friday mornings." 

He gave her a card from his wallet. It said; 

* 

New York State Department of Floating Devices 

Tuber Hunting License 

Sunrise to noon. Fridays. 

Good until revoked. 

* 

"See no one will be shooting at us" 

Alice handed the license back. 

The young woman attendant gave Alice a bathing suit, sneakers, knee and
shin guards, elbow pads and a helmet. She felt like a young warrior 
going to battle against the rapids of the esopus creek. Chi-sure 
followed her under the bridge where he took off his top hat and took 
out a pair of sneakers. Then he put his top hat on the spare tube. 

"Here." 

Chi-sure gave Alice a small bag with six celery sticks and a small jar
of what looked like baby food. The baby food jar was Skippy peanut 
butter. Chi-sure also open his jar of tiny peanut butter, twisting a 
celery stick into the jar until he had a small glob on its end. Alice 
did the same. 

Chi-sure tossed Alice a small bottle of water to wash the celery and
peanut butter down. 

"Good huh?" 

"Yes." Alice replied. 

Chi-sure smiled as he but on his sneakers and vest. 

"Chi-sure, why are we wearing sneakers? This is like swimming. Isn't
it?" 

"Some of the rocks are sharp and they are very slippery," he said as he
and Alice went into the esopus creek. 

"Ok. Just one more question. How come your life jacket looks so funny?" 

"It's not a life jacket; it's a bullet proof vest." Chi-sure replied,
now lying in one tube and holding on the other. The third tube was 
carrying all his top hat full with their snacks, shoes and dry clothing 
in a water tight bag. 

"I thought you said that tubing was safe!" Alice said to Chi-sure as she
paddled with her hands, trying to keep her feet pointing down stream. 

"It is safe, for the most part, but some people don't carry watches." 

**** 

The stream had short rapids followed by pools of gentle currents. They
passed Sleepy Hollow Campground and a few fly fishermen in hip boots. 
Chi-sure was unsure if Alice was enjoying herself, wondering if she was 
still worried about her uncle. Alice on the other hand had forgotten 
about her uncle, she was too busy looking at the creek bank for those 
who had a Tuber Hunting License and no watch. 

**** 

After floating for two hours they came to a sign next to the stream. It
said: 

* 

EXIT HERE 

* 

Chi-sure climbed up the steep rocky bank and Alice followed. At the top
was a very small rest area of wheel less cars. 

"The tube taxi comes along every half hour or so. We'll put all the
stuff on the Taxi and walk down to Mount Tremper." Chi-sure said to 
Alice. 

They laid the tubes, life vest, chin guard, knee pads, elbow pads and
bullet proof vest in one large pile. All that was left was Alice's 
rented bathing suite. 

"Y'all need to change." Chi-sure said. 

Alice looked around for some place to change out of the wet bathing
suite and into her dry clothing. Nothing. No portable toilet, no large 
van, no woods, only a small thicket of brush that wouldn't offer any 
privacy. 

"Where am I going to change?" Alice asked Chi-sure. 

"I didn't think about it." 

Chi-sure rubbed his chin and said; "Well walk to Mount Tremper and leave
it at the Tom Tinker there." 

**** 

As they walked the half mile Chi-sure told Alice about his friend
'Charlie Brown' who worked at Tinker in Tremper, and how Charlie was 
always getting into trouble. "It seems to find him" Chi-sure said and 
laughed. "And it's never his fault." 

**** 

The Tom Tinker in Mount Tremper was in a newer building. It wasn't a
barn like in Phoenicia. Alice went and changed from the rental swim 
suite back into her own clothes, then put the suite on the counter. 

"I can't take that." The man behind the counter said. He was bald and
the top of his head appear to be round. 

"Why not?" Alice asked. 

"Because it belongs to Phoenicia, not here. That why." 

"Come on Charlie, it's only a swim suite." Chi-sure said. 

"I can't, I used to, but the guys at Phoenicia was always stiffing me.
They would give out tubes with small holes and they end up here. Then 
they wouldn't take them back until I fix them. You patch 100 tubes 
pulse do your own work. Nope, not any more. See every tube has a P or a 
T on it. Sorry, you got to take it back to Phoenicia." 

"Charlie can't you do it just this one time?" 

"No." Charlie said, shaking his head. 

"I get y'all a snickers bar the next time I see yaw." 

Charlie thought for a monument; "Make it two and don't stiff me." 

"Charlie have I ever cheated you?" 

"No. You haven't." 

As Chi-sure and Alice walked away leaving the wet suite on the counter,
Chi-sure said; 

"You're a good man Charlie Brown, no matter what anyone else says." 

**** 

Outside in the parking lot Alice asked Chi-sure; "Isn't candy illegal?" 

"Sure is, but I'm a Gov. worker, I'm allowed to brake the law. Just
remember the higher up yaw go in the Gov. the bigger law y'all can 
brake." 

**** 


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