Withholding (standard:drama, 3033 words)
Author: alicia	Added: May 26 2003	Views/Reads: 3492/2317	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
After being dumped by her boyfriend Jana must learn to live alone again.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


Drew rubbed the back of his neck and stared at the floor. “It just
doesn't seem worth fixing to me.” 

Jana kicked the door closed with one foot then set the grocery bags on
the counter that separated kitchen from living room. Before unpacking 
them she turned on the television and set the volume to numb. Living 
alone wasn't so bad, but the silence was unbearable. 

She'd lived in the apartment less than a month. Pictures, mostly
seascapes, still lay propped against one wall. For the most part Jana 
was settled into her new home, but something kept her from hanging the 
paintings. As long as she put off that one final step it was easy to 
imagine the situation as temporary. 

After putting away the groceries she ate some yogurt. Not the most well
balanced meal, but it was something. In the past few weeks she'd given 
up on cooking altogether. It seemed pointless to prepare a whole meal 
for just herself. She forced down each bite while eyeing the box on the 
counter. 

The whole trip to the grocery had been to buy it. In a last ditch effort
to hold off the inevitable Jana had meandered through the store for 
close to an hour, picking up odds and ends as she went. Now that she 
had the home pregnancy test there were no more excuses. 

She threw away the half eaten cup of yogurt, washed the spoon. Jana eyed
the small blue and white box as she dried her hands. “Just get it over 
with so you can stop worrying.” 

Two days later, after a visit to her gynecologist, Jana knew her worry‘s
had just begun. The doctor had confirmed it, she was pregnant. She 
drove from the doctor's office to her apartment on the east side of the 
valley dazed, feeling like she was watching herself navigate the sleek 
four door through traffic instead of actually controlling it. 

Since the breakup with Drew she felt like that most days, like she was
operating on auto pilot. If any of her coworkers suspected, they did so 
silently. Her friend Tabby, who'd just went through a messy divorce 
last year, advised it could be worse. They could be married with three 
kids and a house to bicker over, instead they had a nice clean break. 

Jana knew her friend was right, but all that messiness meant something
too. Even a marriage that ended badly, like Tabby's, had been something 
once. All Jana and Drew had shared, living expenses and a bed, was 
nothing to anyone. 

She managed to hold off the tears until she'd closed the door of her
second floor apartment. Now with something to bind them together Jana 
felt worse than ever. Drew had been brutally honest with her in the 
end. He wasn't interested in her anymore, not intellectually, not 
sexually, not at all. “It” just wasn't there. Those final words, spoken 
in the calmest and simplest words, squashed all hopes of a 
reconciliation. She imagined he'd planned them that way. A nice clean 
break. 

Her heart was broken all right, but there was nothing nice or clean
about it. Jana lay on the overstuffed blue couch and cried until there 
were no more tears left. She hadn't allowed herself that particular 
luxury for weeks. 

She should call Tabby, she thought, but Jana feared her friend would get
too excited. She wasn't sure what she was going to do yet, if she could 
pull off being a single mother. There was no reason to get her friends 
hopes up. 

With no one to share the news, wonderful and terrible at the same time,
Jana busied herself hanging to pictures, a task she'd put off for too 
long. When she'd placed them in the living room, and one over her 
single bed Jana moved onto to unpacking the last three boxes sitting in 
the spare bedroom. 

As she worked the idea that there was a choice to be made, whether to
keep the baby or not, began to wane. She would be thirty years old in a 
few months. This could be her last chance to be a mother, and Jana 
wasn't going to pass it up just because the baby's father didn't think 
she had “It” anymore. 

Once she'd organized the contents of each box Jana sat in the middle of
the floor, cross legged on the beige carpet. Despite the feelings of 
uncertainty bordering on despair she was already imagining how the 
spare room could be transformed into a nursery. 

She would have to tell Drew sooner or later. Jana opted for later,
tomorrow. Until then the knowledge of the life they'd created would be 
only hers. 

The phone sliced shrill through the silence. Jana kneeled up ready to
rush to answer it, but then sat back down. There was no one she wanted 
to hear from, besides it was probably a telemarketer. After the third 
ring the answering machine kicked in. She hadn't bothered to record a 
personalized message yet. The mechanical male voice gave simple 
instructions to leave a message after the beep. After a pause Drew's 
voice came on sounding dim and uncertain. “I just wanted to invite you 
to dinner tomorrow. We need to talk.” There was a pause so long Jana 
expected the click of a line being disconnected. Eventually he went on. 
“Please, I need to tell you something. I hope I‘ll see you tomorrow.” 

Jana looked out the window. The late afternoon sun slanted through the
glass highlighting a thin sheen of dust. She hugged her knees to her 
chest and fought the urge to run to the phone and call him up. Let him 
wait, she thought. Let him wait and worry. She rocked back and forth 
trying to make sense to the conflicting emotions swirling through her. 
She didn't want him back, not if he meant even half the things he'd 
said, but then she did. Dinner and a chat, it sounded so civilized and 
normal. She was afraid if he did take back the nasty words she'd 
forgive him everything, and then what? He could do it again in a week, 
or a month, or a year. He could destroy her over and over. 

Jana slipped on a pair of shoes then grabbed her keys before leaving.
She wanted to walk, to do something to clear her head. Drew might very 
well be planning on telling her once and for all it was over. Maybe the 
month apart had been the confirmation he needed, final proof that she 
wasn't what he was looking for. 

She walked along the tree lined street. It was the best part of the day,
just as the sun was setting and the unbearable heat was beginning to 
break. She meandered up Jenkins avenue to the little park on the 
corner. It had only six swings, a slide, and a plastic and metal jungle 
gym. This time of day it was deserted. Jana sat on one of the swings. 
She just sat and watched her feet kick at the dirt. 

On summer afternoons they used to walk to the dairy queen for ice cream
then stroll to the park to sit on the swings. The talk was usually 
nothing important, nothing Jana could remember now. When the sun made 
it's final decent over the ridge of hills shadowing the valley they 
never spoke. Both preferred to watch as the last rays slid beyond the 
line of pines and oaks in silence. How many times had they witnessed 
that tiny miracle together? Dozens, maybe a hundred, and always the 
reverence at the last minutes of the day remained. Jenna sat unmoving 
until the flood lights winked on. 

The next afternoon Jana stood outside the stucco two story. She blotted
her hands on the sides of her black skirt, then ran fingers through her 
auburn hair. She'd purposely stayed late at work, not giving herself 
the chance to stop off at her place to change. She wasn't here to 
impress Drew. 

His place, the place they'd shared for the past four years was on the
ground floor. She forced her feet to march the short distance to the 
door. She knocked timidly, praying he wouldn't answer, and then praying 
he would. 

Drew opened the door. He wore a pair of khaki's and a form fitting black
shirt. The sight of him, his messy hair, broad shoulders and muscled 
arms took her breath away. That was the part that hurt the most about 
his comments, that he'd grown tired of her. She imagined twenty years 
from now he would still affect her. 

Drew stepped back to let her in. The place looked different. Besides a
few new pieces to replace the furniture she'd taken the walls were 
painted a pale peach. There were knew pictures on the walls. 

“The place looks nice.” She said after he closed the door. Drew had
never taken the slightest interest in redecorating before. 

“Thanks.” 

He rubbed the back of his neck avoiding her gaze. They stood like that,
silently looking at anything but each other, for a few moments. 

She laughed. The high pitched nervous sound did little to diminish the
awkwardness. “I'm sorry.” 

“No, don't apologize. Come on lets eat.” 

He led her into the kitchen with a gentle hand on her forearm. Jana held
her breath and waited for the butterflies in her stomach to subside. 
God, she'd missed him, missed simply sitting down to a meal in the 
evening with him across the table from her. 

Once they were seated, each with a plate of baked chicken parmesan
before them everything felt wrong. Drew kept clearing his throat. His 
hands were folded in front of him, his elbows resting on the edge of 
the table like he might be saying a silent prayer. He kept opening his 
mouth, ready to speak, then thinking better of it he would look around 
the small kitchen. Neither one of them touched the food. 

“It shouldn't be this...weird.” She said finally. Whatever he planned to
tell her wasn't good news. She only wanted it to be over with. 

“I know.” Drew tried to smile his lips barely turned up. 

“What did you want to talk about.” 

He took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. “I wasn't completely
honest with you the last time we talked.” 

She wanted to laugh. Drew had been brutally honest in her opinion. 

“I've been... seeing someone.” 

“Before we broke up?” 

“No, not like that. Well, yes... but we never had sex. I swear.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Anger welled up in her. The last time
they'd spoke his words had caused her so much pain, she would have done 
anything to change his mind. Now she just wanted to hurt him, somehow. 
Slapping him across the face might be a nice start, but not enough. 
Rage boiled through her blood. “Jesus, get over yourself Drew. What do 
you want now, forgiveness? This is over. It's been over.” 

“I know. I don't need you to forgive me. I wouldn't even ask.” 

“Then what is it?” Jana tried her best to sound haughty. “What is so
important that you ask me over here?” 

“I'm sorry about everything I said. I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me.”
He paused to take a sip of water. She watched his hand shake holding 
the glass. “Jen, I'm gay.” 

The scowl on her face disappeared. After several moments she thought to
close her mouth that hung open. Jana blinked hard a few times as if the 
image of Drew chocking back tears could be an elaborate hoax. 

“I know. You can't believe it. I can't believe it either.” His brown
eyes searched for some type of reaction beyond shock. “Say something, 
please.” 

“Excuse me for a minute.” Jana nearly tripped over the leg of the table
standing up. She stumbled to the bathroom, closed the door and sat on 
the closed toilet seat. Later, she thought, I'll have a good laugh 
about this. She would tell Tabby the whole story, and imagined her 
friend would say “At least it's not another woman.”, and it would be 
funny in her exaggerated canter. Tabby's ex-husband had left her for a 
twenty two year old blond they referred to only as “the bimbo.“ “At 
least you'll never have to wonder if it was because the bimbo was 
prettier or better in bed. There's not a thing in the world you can do 
to turn a man's head if you don't have the equipment he's looking for. 
You just count yourself lucky.“ That was the kind of thing Tabby always 
said, something to make your problems seem insignificant, and it 
usually worked. They would both laugh over it, and then pretend like 
Drew never happened. 

Except for the baby. She pressed a hand to her flat stomach. The doctor
had assured her the home pregnancy test was telling the truth. In less 
than eight months she would be bringing a new life into the world. Only 
she didn't quite believe it. There was no morning sickness or strange 
cravings. Nothing to indicate her life would soon be turned upside 
down. It seemed as unbelievable as living with a man for years and not 
knowing he was gay. 

“Jen, you okay in there.” Drew said from the other side of the door. She
sat up then flushed the toilet for no good reason. Drew no doubt knew 
she'd only gone in there to get away from his imploring gaze, to hold 
off on the meaning of his words for a few minutes. 

Jana stood in front of the sink, turned on the water and plunged her
hand under the cold stream. She watched her face stare back at her 
blank. When she turned off the water she noticed the toothbrush, two 
toothbrushes, in the porcelain holder. Her eyes never left them as she 
dried off her hands. 

Drew knocked on the door. It sounded faint, like he was just barely
tapping. She wondered if he lived there, or just kept a few necessities 
for times he stayed the night. No, she decided, she didn't want to 
know. It was better that way. The fewer details the less real it 
seemed. 

She opened the door then waited for him to move aside and let her pass.
“I'm fine.” She brushed past him and started towards the front door. 

“No, don't go like this. Please.” 

“I hope things work out for you, Drew.” 

He rushed ahead to block her exit. “I just wanted you to know it wasn't
you. Those things I said were wrong.” 

“I know. I already knew that.” 

She forced herself to look at him. Finally he stepped aside and opened
the door. “I'm sorry.” He said again. She'd been right. He did want 
forgiveness. 

She walked away without looking back. 


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