Desperation (standard:drama, 3547 words)
Author: Paul	Added: Nov 19 2000	Views/Reads: 3716/2346	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A young boy is driven to self distruction by self indulgent parents

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

that Daddy had beaten her and been drunk all of the time. The drunk 
part was right some of the time, but he'd held a steady job and I had 
never seen him hit her. He had terrorized me during punishment, though, 
and maybe he did hit her. But why was it my fault that she had stayed. 
I didn't see how all of the fighting between them and a fight over my 
custody had been in my best interest. I think that neither of them  
wanted me.  Maybe it had just been convenient for her, and a way for 
her to hurt him. I wished I really understood all of this. 

She told me that the Army had turned Daddy down because he was mentally
unstable. She told me he was stupid and she had taken the test for him 
to get his last job. Then she told me that I was just like him. Why 
shouldn't I be like him? He helped raise me for thirteen years. Adults 
are so hard to understand, hard to understand. 

I approached the old, gray, three-story house we called home. Fear and
trepidation came over me, but then I saw that they weren't home yet. 
WHAT A BREAK! I went to my room to hide out and fell asleep. 

I was awakened by mother hovering over me and glaring at the note from 
Mrs. Stern. 

"What is this," she demanded. 

"It's a deficiency slip. Mrs Stern says that I am failing math." I went
to the black desk and reached in the drawer. There they were!!! "She 
said I had a zero on one of these tests, but you can see that I had two 
A's and a B." 

"Then there must be something else wrong. Teachers don't send these home
unless they are necessary. I will talk to Bob at dinner and he can help 
you with this. He knows a lot of math and can teach you." 

Somehow I had the feeling that my weekend was about to be destroyed. At
least Daddy is coming on Sunday and they can't take that away from me. 
I hope he won't let me down. 

I waited until the third call before starting down for dinner. As we
sat, Mother told Bob about the deficiency slip. There was another 
border in the house plus Mrs. Huff at the table, so I heard four 
versions about the importance of math and how you had to study hard.  
"I took the advanced course in high school and had to learn a lot of 
math." Bob said. " That's how I became an engineer and that's what you 
need to be if you want to make a good living." What did it matter that 
I didn't want to be an engineer or that this was not the only way to 
make a living. 

It was no surprise, therefore, when Bob invaded my sanctuary to assume
the father role. "You must learn this to be a success," he said. 

"But I am not failing math. Here are my tests and anyone can see I am
not failing." 

"A little extra work won't hurt, regardless. Let me see the book. If you
know this, as you say, I don't have to teach you." He turned some pages 
to my marker and leafed through until he came to the problems at the 
end of the chapter. "Do all of the problems here and in the previous 
chapter. When you are done show them to me and we can go over them." 

"But there are a hundred and twenty problems there. Daddy is coming
Sunday. There just isn't time." 

"Then your mother can explain your school situation, and you can miss
the visit." . 

" I don't want to miss that visit" I replied vehemently. "You don't miss
visits with your kids!" 

"Do have to argue about everything. Do as you are told," he replied.  He
didn't care. They didn't want me to see Daddy anyway. I started to cry. 
I just wanted to die. I had run away several times in the past but I 
always got caught. They took me to a priest, who, in his infinite 
wisdom told me to obey my parents. What I needed was for someone to 
tell them that they needed to learn how to be parents. 

"Stop crying. Boys don't cry. Are you a sissy?" Bob turned and walked
away. God I hated him. 

I started on the math problems on Saturday morning but could not
concentrate. I didn't know which was worse, an emotionally brutal 
mother with a side kick, or a terrorist father who was inconsistent. At 
least Daddy did spend time with me and played ball with me. Bob and 
Mother always said that a thirteen year old boy didn't need a thirty 
five year old playmate, but that was just an excuse for ignoring me. I 
had to get out of here. I couldn't stand it any more. 

After everyone was asleep I crept downstairs to the living room. There
was only one thing to do. I was in big trouble if I got caught, but it 
was worth the chance. I dialed the phone. God, I hope he is there. 

"Hello, " Daddy answered sleepily. 

" It's me, Dad. I can't talk any louder. Can you hear me?" 

" Yes I can, Son. What is the matter?" 

"They say I am getting bad grades in math and won't let me go with you
on Sunday." 

"What's wrong with your math? You were getting good grades before you
moved." 

"Nothing is wrong. The teacher made a mistake, but they won't believe
me. Anyway, I think they just don't want me to go with you." I started 
to cry again. I just couldn't control myself. 

"They can't do that," he said. "I have a court order. Are you crying?" 

"I'm sorry Dad. I just can't help it." 

"I will be there on Sunday at 10 o'clock. You be ready. They can't stop
you from seeing me on my visiting days." 

I knew he would be late. He always was. But, he would probably show up.
God, I hoped so. 

Mother awakened me on Sunday morning and told me to get ready for
church. They wouldn't be going, but I could walk there by myself. "Did 
you finish your math?" she questioned. 

"No," I answered. "It's just too much." 

"Then call your father and tell him not to come today." 

"Why can't you call him?" I asked. 

"Don't argue." 

"I am going whether you say I can or not, and you can't stop me," I
blurted defiantly...        Where did that come from? I will pay for 
that. 

" You are right, I can't stop you today but I sure can make you sorry
you didn't comply. Now call him. I don't want him to show up here and 
cause a scene." No, she never wanted a scene. When other kids started 
fights I always got punished for fighting, if their parents complained. 
Even when some older boys raped me when I was three she did nothing 
because she wanted no trouble with the neighbors. She just told me to 
stay inside so it wouldn't happen again. She would do anything to get 
along with anyone except me. I was just in the way. I was just a 
throw-away kid. Keep out of sight; "Children are to be seen and not 
heard," I was told. The old German way. Too bad I wasn't one of them; 
then maybe I would understand. 

I rushed home from church and waited on the porch. Mother knew that I
was going but said nothing. She would have plenty of time later. I saw 
his white Chevrolet in the distance and was thrilled that he wasn't too 
late. As he pulled to the curb I ran to the car, saying nothing to 
Mother and Bob. 

"Hi, I am so glad to see you," I said. 

"Get in and let's go before there is trouble," he replied. " What's
going on. You really sounded awful last night." 

"Bob is trying to play Daddy and show me how hard he can be. The old
lady is nasty all of the time, and Mother practically ignores me. I 
think she wishes that I would disappear and not bother Bob. I don't 
even know what I ever did to Mrs. Huff. I think I am just not supposed 
to be heard." He didn't understand the significance of that but just 
let it pass. 

"Are you really that unhappy," he asked. 

"They either ignore me or punish me. There is no middle. Mother says
that she loves me, but she puts everyone else first. She drives me for 
her goals that are impossible for me to achieve. Maybe I am stupid or 
something. I guess that's why I am never good enough. Bob's kids do 
worse at everything than I do, but they get the praise and rewards and 
I am left out." My God, I am starting to sob again. If I do, he won't 
want me either.  I feel so alone. 

He put his arm around me as if I was a little boy again. It was
comforting. Suddenly I felt safe. Today was going to be a good day. It 
would be worth the price. 

" Would you like to come and live with me?" he asked. 

"Yes," I replied. He had a terrible, uncontrollable temper, particularly
when he was drinking. But at least I'd know where I stood. Everyone 
else wouldn't come first. 

"I think we can do that if you want. You might have to say what you want
in court. Do they sleep in the same room?" 

"Bob has his own room, but I don't think that he sleeps there. I did go
into Mother's room one time, and he was there naked, but I didn't see 
them doing anything." 

"OK. If you're sure that this is what you want, we can get lunch and
look for a house." It seemed as though he had planned this in advance. 
But this was better than I could have dreamed and Daddy also seemed 
delighted at the prospect. I guess he does love me. I am glad someone 
does. I wonder if he just wants to get back at Mother. She said that he 
didn't care about me and would use me to hurt her. She said it was just 
his sick attitude; anyone would know that she was the better parent. 
God, she couldn't be any worse. If I have to stay with her I think that 
I will commit suicide. I planned that before but never went through 
with it. Maybe I am a coward. I can't face life and I can't run away. 
It's hard being thirteen. Does it get any better? Maybe I will never 
know. 

We got lunch and started to look for a house. He was going toward Loch
Raven 

Village, which was near the neighborhood from which I had just moved. I
could go to the school that I loved. There I suffered no 
discrimination. I was on the honor roll. 

. "Do you like this," he said. It was a new group home in the location
that I wanted. 

"Of course," I replied. "This is a dream to me." Maybe to him too. 

"You look around some more, and I will talk to the salesman." He went
off to conduct business, and I looked around. All of this was so 
familiar. This was the part of town that I knew best. 

"It's all set," he said. "You will have to talk to your mother tonight.
I hope she will give in graciously, but you know she might make it 
pretty hard on you, and Bob will help her. Do you think that you can do 
it?" 

"I'll try. I'll do it tonight. Bob's family will be at the house and
mother won't risk causing a scene. I will just say it and disappear as 
usual. Probably, no one will even notice. I don't know why she should 
care. I am only in the way now." 

We said goodbye at the curb and I marched into the house. Mother was in
the kitchen making sandwiches. 

"I want to talk to you, Mother," I said. 

"Later, "she replied. "I am too busy now. Can't you see I have guests!" 

Ignoring her reply I said," I want to live with Daddy. We found a house
today and I am leaving."  She said nothing. I might as well not have 
been in the room. I'd thought there would be some response. I retreated 
into my room. I guessed that would be it for the night. I could hear 
laughter and talking downstairs. I guess I'll just have to wait for the 
other shoe to drop. 

I squinted as I awakened the next morning. Mother was standing over me
with a glare in her eyes. There was almost hate there, no mistaking 
that. 

"You are not going to live with your father. I am going to see my lawyer
today, and I am going to stop his visiting rights. You are never going 
to see him again!" 

"What do you care? You said you were going to put me in boarding school,
but that fell through. You don't want me around; I am only in the way. 
You want me to be what I am not. You want me to be like Bob, but I am 
like my father, and you hate that. Give it up!" I said uselessly. 

"I told you that you are not leaving and that is final. Don't argue. Now
get ready for school: you are going to be late. You will have to skip 
breakfast." 

Slowly I walked to the bus stop, but when the bus stopped, I didn't get
on. I had never skipped school before, but it didn't matter now. I 
can't go on like this. God what am I to do? This is too much pain for 
me handle. I think that adults would have a hard time handling this, 
but at least they could leave. I am a prisoner. 

I walked to the park and into the woods. This was another refuge for me.
I would have to be here the whole day, but that was ok. Maybe I should 
not have allowed all of this to happen, but I guess it had to happen 
sometime. Two choices I guess, run or die. I tried running before but 
they only found me and brought me back. That only caused more 
punishment. 

I guess the other solution is right. That is a mortal sin and I will
certainly go to hell.   I wonder if hell is worse than this? Probably 
not. 

How, then? There's a lot of pills in Mothers medicine chest. I guess too
much of anything will kill you. Desperate and sobbing I asked God to 
forgive me. He didn't put me here to suffer like this. I am so alone. 

It's time for school to be over, so I guess I will go home. Somehow I
feel as if a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it gets 
easier after the decision is finally made. I simply leave my books and 
jacket and walk home. I wouldn't need them anymore. 

I sneak into the house and go upstairs to Mother's bathroom. Let's see,
what's here. I don't know what most of this stuff is. Ah, I think that 
these are sleeping pills. How  many? All of them! I don't want to fail; 
they will punish me for trying because the neighbors will think badly 
of them. 

I proceed to my room with the pills and a glass of water. They will be
home soon, and dinner will be ready. I need to do this now!  Note?  
Why? Nobody will care anyway, except that a funeral will cost money. 
Why have one? No one will come. I hear the first call for dinner. This 
is it. Down they go. Second call for dinner; lord this is slow. Maybe 
it is not going to work. Third call. I guess I had better go. I don't 
need any more grief. 

Down the three sets of stairs I go, but I am getting groggy. Thank God,
they are working. I sit down at the table but I am having trouble 
staying awake. 

"Stop slouching," Mother commands. I drop my fork. 

"He can't even hold his fork," Bob interjects. 

" If you can't sit right, leave the table," Mother says. 

I get up, but I fall on the first step. Glory be, it's working! 

"Get up" Mother commands. "What is the matter with you." 

"We had better call an ambulance," Mrs. Huff grumbles. 

They call, but it is too late. They won't care anyway. I don't know why
they called the ambulance, except it would be hard to explain why they 
didn't. I feel peaceful now. A peace that I have never known. Is that 
all there is? If I had known that it was this easy, I would have done 
this a long time ago. 

" You have to stay awake," Mother pleads. 

Too late, Mom....  I'm free....  Peace at last. 


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