A Woman's diary (standard:Satire, 4606 words)
Author: Safaa	Added: Mar 21 2008	Views/Reads: 4936/2834	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
My short story is like a diary where Fatima writes her problems after getting married. She represents the Moroccan society and culture, more precisely the women’s world. Brief, it is from the feminist prospective: it is up to you dear reader to tire out t

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some money so that I can see a doctor. I went to the doctor and he said 
that it is just cold and he assigned 3 days for me to rest. When I 
return, he said to me “I have told you that there is nothing; you just 
want to spoil money on useless things.” Let me explain to you 
something: our budget is very high right now and if he spends his 
money, we will not have this kind of problems and now what?! He called 
going to the doctor “spoiling money on useless things” !!!.... Yeah, by 
the way, where does he spend his money?!! I have to ask him...* 

Today, he told me that he will be home late and he asked me not to wait
for him for dinner. It seems weird and I doubt it, but I understand 
that his work needs sometimes his presence in unexpected times! ... He 
is a nice man, but lately he changed as if something is disturbing him. 
I understand as he has now a big responsibility, as I am pregnant 
now...* 

It's the 7th month of my pregnancy and I don't feel okay. I asked him to
go with me to the doctor but he said that he will work from the early 
morning to the midnight because of some secret affairs in the police 
department that no one has to revel it. Therefore, I will go alone to 
see the doctor this time again! I always go alone, work alone, and do 
the housework alone; I am sick of this life; it is as if I am not 
married! I believe that marriage life means a corporation between the 
husband and the wife, isn't it? In addition, he doesn't care if I am 
ill or not; what he is interested in is money, no more! Money has 
corrupted people's mind. Now, in the commercial, women are used as a 
product to attract the customers (men) and it is normal that men don't 
respect women in the street! I don't know, but I think that all men are 
the same... they are all selfish!! ... what they do care about is 
themselves nothing more. When a man wants to get married, he is 
thinking for himself. When he wants children, he is thinking for 
himself; he doesn't care about the woman's responsibility at home with 
the kids or outside the house, and if he does..........if he 
does.....if he does..........the house turns to a real hell. So, it's 
better for the wife that the husband stays away from the kitchen or 
from any responsibility. I don't know why they just try to be what they 
are not; I mean they try to do some things which are not one of their 
concern and they want to show us that they know everything and that we 
don't know anything. Okay, you married a woman, so keep your mouth shut 
please whenever you see a slight mistake. I don't know why they just 
make of small things a big deal. They are all “animals” excuse me for 
the word, but they are really. They don't care if the woman is ill or 
tired, or she .........I don't know what to say. I guess that you will 
say: well, they are not the same!! Well, they are!! believe it or not 
and if you have just get married wait a little bit and you will see 
their real face, especially, when he finds that you haven't cooked yet. 
he will not ask you why you slow down that day, but rather he will ask 
you why you didn't wake up earlier or why his lunch is not ready. It 
doesn't matter if you were in the hospital that day and you didn't want 
to disturb him at work. It doesn't matter if the roof of the house fell 
on you that day, or that day you decided to have lunch outside the 
house. You know what, what they are all good at is: shouting...* 

You don't know my history, do you?...well, I was a happy girl who goes
like any other girl to school and who had a dream to achieve. Once 
graduated, I found problems outside and inside the house. All my 
father's hopes were on me. They think that as far as I study the 
economist, I will find no difficulties in finding a job easily! But 
that was totally wrong! it's rare that somebody find a job and even if 
it is available, you have sometimes to give bribe so that you can get 
it. My father doesn't understand it and he thinks that he is old now 
enough to rest and it is my duty to take care of my parent's house. He 
is right but I have to find a job first!! Thus, I spend the whole 
summer looking for a job and assisting for interviews in vain. The 
tension at home rises day after day and at the end, it appears for them 
that there is no hope! Hence, I stayed at home. Then, I tried to study 
something else and I started studying literature, maybe at the end I 
will get a job as a teacher; who knows?! My dream was far from just 
getting a job. I wanted to improve the Moroccan economist and I wanted 
to help society and change the Moroccan situation as I love my country 
and I love its people and I want it to be the best and the first over 
the other nations! But this dream seems to be far to be realized! I 
thought a lot about this situation and at the end, I realize that I 
have to work first so that I can buy books and improve myself so that I 
can be at the level of this BIG responsibility. During the spring 
session, my friend had a wedding and I went to greet her and there, 
somebody saw me ,and he asked my father, later on, for my hands. I 
thought about it a lot and I said: “well I'll get married and I will 
work and spend money on buying books and by this way I'll reach my 
goal” I was TOTALLY WRONG. Conjugal life is not as pink as it is shown 
in the movies. It is another hell story for most of women. Sometimes, I 
think that the only woman who doesn't have these problems is the one 
who have a dumb, deaf, and blind husband because he cannot shut at her, 
he cannot hear her insults, and he can't see her mistakes...!!! Pretty 
funny, but I wish he were so, even if he doesn't deserve all of 
these....* 

I have had my child and things seem to return to normal with my husband.
I have got a son I called him Salah because I want him to resemble 
Salahe-Ddin el-Ayoubi who is for Muslims a model for our glory & 
freedom that is taken from us nowadays...* 

I return to work as usual and I was obliged to leave my child to my mum
until I come back home at night. I was really exhausted and I couldn't 
continue no more. It's too much on me; I should work till late hours at 
night and take care of my child and also do the housework and nobody is 
helping me as if he doesn't exist!!! I have had enough and I needed to 
talk to him even if he should have noticed that I am not satisfied 
about what is happening, but I should tell him directly; he is maybe 
stupid to understand it!!...so, tonight, I told him that I will stop 
working and that he has to work and afford me whatever I need; it's his 
duty!...well, I wish I didn't!! He start whining and complaining and at 
the end I was the guilty part in all of this problem!!!...* 

I didn't pay attention to what he said to me, or what kind of problems
he had! I do not care!! So I stayed the next day at bed until a late 
time in the morning. I feed my child; I did the housework, and I called 
my mum to tell her that I will not bring her Salah today and I read 
Quran and prayed, for the first time after getting the job, on time! 
And I cooked...at lunch, everything was alright in the house for the 
first time in history!...once he opened the door, I was expecting a 
happy face, but I wish that day I was out. He started shouting at me 
and he said why you quit the job, and he said to me that I have to go 
back to work again. Really, I feel like a slave for him, but I swallow 
my anger and I return working again for my child's seek not for him...* 


At work, I faint down; I was given two days off. I chose that day not to
return home even if I was tired and I went to my mother's house. I took 
my child and I went away without giving any reason or information where 
I will be! Actually, I went to the beach; one of the places I feel 
relaxed in. I was contemplating on this life as a whole and at my life 
as part of it. Life needs spectator to understand it, not actors. If 
you let yourself be taken by the wheel of life, you will feel tired and 
you will never understand what is going on in parallel. While, when you 
get out of the circle, you will understand more what life means; then, 
you will learn from the other's mistake; you will try to come out with 
a method of life that is different from the others, not to look 
different, but to live on this earth correctly. I thought and thought, 
then I understand that my GOD is merciful with me when I didn't get my 
aim because I believe that I needed that break to be ready to confront 
LIFE. I return home this time earlier and I went to my bed room to 
sleep with my child as I was tired thinking!...* 

When Abd-Rahman was home, he asked me what happened and I explained. He
doesn't seem happy for that and he asked me again “would you get you 
full budget or they will take some money off because of your constant 
absence?”...huhhhh...you cannot imagine what I felt at that time. 
Disgust and anger burning me from the inside...and I didn't replay for 
that...what he is thinking of is money! What is this? Are we living to 
eat or eating to live or what?! He didn't even ask me how I feel or 
what bothers me!! ...after that, he went to the living room to watch TV 
and he went out. He came late at the dinner and he asked for apology, 
at last...* 

He went with me to the doctor the next day. The doctor said that I have
to take some pills and if they don't work, then I would be obliged to 
do some X-ray analysis and some blood analysis to see what is going on. 
My husband went to the pharmacy and bought the pills without uttering 
any word. However, once I asked him for more money, he said “it's too 
much for me with all of these analysis and your demands, it's too 
much!!” I hope it was this is the real reason!! But it is not. I don't 
know where money goes and I don't know why do I work if I wouldn't have 
money to buy even an underwear!!?? May be he likes seeing me dying then 
spending money!...* 

My child is two years old now and he started making some noises at home!
I wanted today to take him after work to the nursery school to play for 
sometime with the kids, also to ask about the cost and to see the place 
where my child is going to stay. I don't want to bother my mum with my 
kid; she has had enough of me when I was child! I haven't yet tell my 
husband about it. I thought I have to see first if it is a good idea or 
not, then I will tell him...* 

After assuring my son's security in the nursery school, I decided to
propose the idea to my husband. He agreed after a brief peaceful 
discussion...* 

Now, Salah is four years old. Things haven't change so much since.
Everything was monotonous, but today something happened. When I brought 
Salah from the nursery school at midday, I started preparing lunch and 
I leave him playing with his toys in the living room next his dad. 
Suddenly, I heard Salah crying. It was his dad who beat him; Salah was 
disobedient and didn't stop making noise when his dad was watching T.V. 
I took Salah to his room. I tried to calm him down, and I went to 
Abd-Rahman to know the reason behind beating an unconscious child: 
“What is going on with you these days?” I said to him; he replies that 
is was my fault; I should have taken him to his room instead of 
bringing him to the living room and so many other silly arguments. I 
said, “Well, if I leave him alone without any surveillance, he may 
swallow something or he my beak something and hurt himself...and if 
you, his father, don't watch your kid, who else does!!? Hei?...!!! ...* 


It's Sunday. Today, I was invited to my friend's little party and I
asked my husband for his permission to go and leave Salah with him. I 
went and we had a very nice time together. I really don't have so much 
friends and I felt happy and free for the first time in my marriage 
life...once I opened my house's door, I heard a cry and I was scared 
that Salah was left alone in the house. I run to see what is happening 
and I saw Salah covered with blue and red spots on his arms and face. 
On the other corned were a broken T.V and my husband who was trying to 
fix it. I took Salah in my breast wiping his tears away and I asked 
Abd-Rahman for a clear answer of all of this. Then, he shouted at me. I 
could not hear not to see. My eyes were covered with tears; my mind was 
trying to sum up my whole life and at the end, I came out with a 
conclusion: “I want to divorce now ... I have been bearing your 
immature behaviours all my life, now I can't let you torturing my child 
too”. I took my bags and I went to my parent's house with Salah until I 
get my divorce...* 

I have been thinking that with or without Abd-Rahman didn't make any
difference in my life. He is there, but not here. I have a job. I can 
buy a house. I can live normally and happily with my child. So, why do 
I need him if he is going to make me psychologically sick with my 
child. I know that this is going to happen one day; just I needed the 
right occasion. In this diary, I skipped a lot of events and years and 
days. Believe me I cannot stand more: humiliations, insults, beating, 
ignorance, and betrayal...all kind of abuses. Now, I AM FREE again; I 
feel that I am 19 years old as I was before getting married, but this 
time with a little friend! Salah is my hope and life now. I'll afford 
him what ever he needs: the best Islamic education and all 
life-sciences. I'll see my dreams being true through him. Freedom means 
a lot to a woman like me... I don't know but once I get married, I 
wanted my freedom again. I don't know why, but it is a feeling that 
comes to every woman's mind as I guess...* 

I finally find a job better than the other one and I could find a lovely
modest apartment. I registered Salah in an Islamic school. Don't worry! 
It's not all about Quran and Sunna Charifa, but also he can study 
maths, languages and sciences like the other schools but in more better 
way. This is what I wanted and what I have dreamed of. I forgot to tell 
you that I have changed the town and Salah's father has to travel to 
see him as I have got the custody of Salah...!!....* It was a long way 
of tribunals and lawyers, but thanks God everything is done now even 
though Abd-Rahman was really upset at that time because he has lost the 
custody and he will see this son just once a week. I was torn at that 
time, but I took a decision and I won't go back again. It's little bit 
hard, but he has to get used to it, so I am ....* 

I have planty of time now. I can continue my studies and get a higher
degree. I feel that I am a free little girl full of life and hope. I am 
very excited and motivated....* 

“I don't have the right to intrude, but as Fatima's life was between
university, work and her child, she stopped writing. However, this does 
not mean that nothing has happened. Though, she considered them not 
important. I let myself a little bit to go too far to describe some of 
her troubles that had happened during this period with her husband and 
son. Her son is 7 years now and he started asking her about the absence 
of his dad. He asked her about the reasons why his father is not at 
home with them and Fatima was just broken hearted hearing him crying at 
night telling her that he wants a daddy like the other children. I do 
not know why she does not mark it in her diary while it is an important 
event, but the reason can be her pride to show herself as a loser. 
However, she did everything to fulfill this gap and to correct this 
mistake. Apparently, she succeeded. While, her situation at work is 
great: moving from one grade to another and from a low budget to a 
higher one. I admit that she is a good woman. She wants to reach her 
goals no matter what. On the other hand, her problem with her husband 
is just with the custody. She was sometimes afraid that her husband 
runs away with her son or corrupts his thoughts by destroying her image 
in front of her child ; That is why, sometimes, she doesn't allow him 
to take his child with him while it's time for that....I will let her 
finishing her story. Her diary may appear to be bias. Does she tell the 
truth or is it reality? Is she exaggerating or describing only one side 
of her life? Or what she feels and understands? It is up to you to 
figure it out!” The author 

When I just think about it, I know that not the whole period I spend
with my husband was bad. There were some times that I felt happy, but I 
believe now that life is not perfect as I was expecting from it. When 
you are young, you wish you were older, that you can get married and 
have children. Once, you are old and you get married, you wish you did 
not grow up and you want to go back again to childhood. When you get 
divorced, as in my case, you wish you were married. This is what I feel 
now. Things are getting worse and I cannot take over my child anymore 
as for him, it is me the demon and it's me who deprived him from his 
right to have a father. It's normal because it's me now who discipline 
him and his father who spoiled him once a week by buying what ever he 
needs and by listening to him. I have no time to listen to him or even 
for myself to rest. Responsibly is getting bigger now. I have to work 
and work so that I can survive with my son. Salah does not see that. 
What he knows is that I am a bad person who bits him, and that his 
father is a good one because he buys for him candies and tells jokes 
all the time. How envy I am from Abd-Rahman. These things are not going 
to be understood for him until he grows up....* 

I saw today Abd-Rahman with a woman and I think that they were engaged.
I was going to work today and I spent the whole day thinking. Well, I 
have problems with my son now and I need to resolve this problem of 
father. I thought that I would have no problem if I get divorced, but 
things are not as I have dreamed of. Now, maybe, I understand life more 
than before and I know what I have to do to get along with it. I 
decided to get married again, this time with a lot of accumulated 
lessons...* 

It's better for me to stop writing and tell GOD about my problems But
before I stop, let me advise you all: life as I said is so complicated 
to understand it, but its main idea is to accept the circumstances that 
there is no way to changed it and which is normal and happens to 
everybody. One of these things, for instance, being married. I said 
that woman does not need a man beside her, but it is proven from my 
failure experience that it is wrong. However, this does not mean to 
cross our arms and just accept the situation. In contrast, we should 
try to live it and deal with it from a positive prospective. Maybe I 
was bagged with pre-prepared ideas about married and I kept comparing 
or I was just blind to see the good things about it...maybe and 
maybe... What I know for sure is that my real life is not on this 
earth. No one can tell you that you are not going to have problems in 
this life. Joy and Sadness are divided equally between human beings and 
everybody gets his/her share whether you want it or not... Don't try to 
go against the flow or you are going to be destroyed Never lose hope as 
“I have a dream” (=Nelson Mandela) becomes reality today So do not 
expect to see the result right now or in the coming years ,but you may 
die and your dream find somebody else to hold it and realize it for you 
and for humanity... have a nice day! 

*** The end 


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