Countertrade (standard:humor, 2857 words)
Author: GXD	Added: Aug 04 2007	Views/Reads: 3320/2222	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
International commerce is more of an adventure than some consumers are aware of. Yak butter, for example.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

this butter. Please, taste it for your pleasure. You will agree that it 
is the very best butter." 

"Well, then, old friend, if we cannot barter for your goods, perhaps we
can countertrade." 

"Indeed, I was hoping you would suggest that. Do you recall that place
in your world which consumes so much Beluga caviar?" 

"Sardi's, you mean, in New York." 

"That's the one.  What would they offer me for seven hundred kilos of
Yak butter these days? With you as the intermediary, of course." 

"Ah, Shaga, you are clever.  But at last we can talk business.  Yes, I
must admit that Sardi's is importing Yak butter from me, but you must 
know the truth of the story." 

"There is but one Truth, praised be!" 

"Agreed.  When you leave your butter with me this morning, I will first
have my assistants package it in ice to preserve its flavor.  Then I 
will telephone my partner, Peter, in Rome to set up for receiving your 
butter at the dock in Naples, when I ship it from here next week.  
Peter will get it out of customs and hold it in storage while he 
negotiates with Sardi's agent.  Of course, the ice will melt, so we 
must pay for insurance.  Now I must reveal a terrible secret: Sardi's 
does not use any Yak butter at all.  They never have.  But they commit 
the air shipment from Rome to their agent in New Jersey, who then 
distributes it to Afghan and Indian restaurants all over North America, 
from Buffalo to Seattle." 

"Ah, Kennedy-Sir, how proud you make me feel that my Yak butter will be
enjoyed by our country- men at taverns around the globe.  Nevertheless, 
by that time my wife will be dead or dying or -- if the monsoon comes 
-- perhaps she will even drown. No, no, no!  Can you not find some way 
to put, shall we say, five hundred roofing tiles and a tube of blue 
antibiotic into my hands before the sun sets today?" 

"You have always been straight with me Shaga, even when you win at
Chess, although I never will forget the consignment of goat's butter 
you slipped into my shipment the last time round." 

"It is all the way of the world, Kennedy-Sir. You, best of all, know
that pungent goat-cheese imparts a singular ineffable essence to Yak 
but--" 

"True, true.  But back to countertrade.  With my influence, I can try to
obtain two hundred tiles for you, however, you will have to purchase 
the medicine yourself.  I have no connections inside the tile factory, 
but one of my other customers owes me a favor and ..." 

"Kennedy-Sir, Kennedy-Sir, listen, listen. Make that three hundred
tiles, and I will exchange fifty at the pharmacy.  That will make the 
burden on my camels lighter, and enable me to fix almost half the roof. 
Do that, Sir, for me.  Your brother Sardi will become a hero to my 
countrymen when he showers them with pungent, fulfilling Yak butter 
from home.  All of their wives will think of me as a great hero -- you 
will tell them it was  MY Yak butter, won't you..." 

"Dearest Shaga, you must be known as the sage of your tribe for such a
wise decision.  Three hundred tiles it shall be.  And I will take all 
the risks, is that right?" 

"No, no, Kennedy-Sir. The Yak-butter is fresh. You can trust me. Send
your assistant to unload my poor overburdened camels at once.  After a 
short rest, they will trot with me down to the tile factory, where I 
will present your voucher for three hundred fifty tiles..." 

"We agreed on three hundred, Shaga, didn't we? I swear on the good faith
of my master, Kroger-Sir, that you said three hundred." 

"Yes, that is so, of course, Kennedy-Sir, but you have forgotten:  I
must tip the tile workers for loading my camels, and so you must 
include the fifty tiles for me to distribute among them." 

"It is consummated, then, friend, but you must swear to me on the vows
of your faith that no goat butter has been mixed ..." 

"Never, on my honor, Sir, only pure, fresh..." 

"Very well. Leave me now, so I may telephone the office in Rome and
arrange for shipment." 

"Done.  At once.  But Kennedy-Sir, you must give me the tile voucher
very quickly now, for I have not yet eaten this day, and it is almost 
time to pray." 

"Yes, the sun has climbed high as we spoke." Kennedy writes.  "Here it
is, on the back of my card.  And I have entered it into the book, right 
here " He points. 

Shaga embraces his old friend, they kiss each other's right cheek and
soon the sigh of unburdened camels rises from the courtyard.  At the 
gate, Shaga shouts back, "Good health to your brother in Rome, and to 
Sardi-Sir." 

*   *   * 

"Hello, Peter?  Peter, is that you?  What are they doing to the phones
in Italy?  I can hardly hear you, speak up!  Yeah, that's better.  Look 
Peter.....Now wait a minute.  I never said a thing about bringing in 
compact disks.  I don't think there's a single compact disk player in 
the whole .... Look, Peter, shelve it, will you, and listen. I've got 
seven hundred kilos of Yak butter on ice right this minute and you've 
got to talk Sardi's agent into taking it off my hands.  What do you 
mean, it isn't worth five hundred new Lire in Rome?  Of course it's 
worth twenty times as much ....Well don't get so upset about it.  I'm 
not asking you to dump it in Rome, stupid!.  Shaga reminded me that 
Sardi never uses the stuff himself, but sells it out to Pakistanis and 
Tibetans from Chicago to San Diego. He must be getting a fortune for it 
-- at least ten dollars a pound.  You can certainly make a market out 
of that, can't you? .... Well, I don't know if you can get cash for it! 
 Why don't you trade up.  I just bartered it for three hundred tiles 
and a prescription....Migod, how the hell do you expect me to know what 
it's worth -- twenty cents a tile, maybe....Oh, I see.  Well, if you 
look at it that way, we're investing sixty bucks in tile and dumping 
fifteen hundred bucks worth of Yak butter on Sardi.  Isn't that enough 
profit for you? Mercenary, that's what you are!  What do you mean, 
cover your conversion to German Marks.  You're not going to try and 
ship it Lufthansa like you did last time, are you?  Oh, I see.  Yeah, 
the credit memo left over from all those defective typewriter ribbons.  
Well, okay, you know that end of the business better than I do.  Look, 
this call is costing me an arm and a leg.  I'll fax you a copy of the 
Bill of Lading.  Let's see if I can't get it aboard that Chevron oil 
tanker leaving today. Well I can't tell you the name.  It's written in 
Arabic.  Just look for it in Naples sometime next week.  How the hell 
should I know!  Friday?  Try Friday.  Maybe I can get the harbor master 
to put it on the shipping papers before I fax them to you. Okay, okay. 
Put my split into the usual account.  No, no.  Not the one in Milan, 
the one in Zürich.  What are you talking about.  There's no tax on 
Italian Lire in Switzerland!  Well, I haven't read it in the papers, 
and I read all the news.  Okay, so if they put a tax on it, take it out 
of my cut.  Better yet, get a good deal and convert it to dollars or 
pounds.  They'll take that without tax....... Well, why not let Sardi 
worry about that tax on his end.  Which tax?  You know the tax 
I'm...look, I've got to get this shipment out and get back to work. To 
hell with the compact disks.  If you can lay your hands on some 
antibiotic ointment in blue tubes....don't ask, just make sure the 
tubes are blue, not red or orange or sunset yellow or anything like 
that.  If you can't get blue, try green.  Let me worry about the other 
details on my end.  Okay.  Goodbye." 

*   *   * 

"I'm really sorry, Mr. Wise.  With all respect for your multi-state
specialty foods distribution network throughout the Midwest, there is 
no way we can release this Yak butter for less than six- fifty per 
four-ounce jar.  And you must take the entire consignment of 6,000 jars 
or the deal is off.  Mr. Sardi was very firm about that.  No, I'm not 
trying to play you off against your competi- tors.  Can we talk about 
it over lunch?  Okay, meet you in fifteen minutes.  We can talk about 
the Beluga caviar, too.  I'm not set up yet on the antibiotic deal.  
They want an arm and a leg for re-packaging that stuff in blue tubes. 
Goodbye!" 

*    *    * 

"My dear Ursula, it is my delight and pleasure to welcome you to our new
offices.  On behalf of the United Arab Chamber of Commerce, may I offer 
you a cup of coffee as we talk business.  Please, help yourself to 
those delicious pecan-honey cakes. They come from Sardi's." 

Mumtaz ben-Salaam deftly swept his caftan to one side and sat down
across the table from her. Ursula passed the documents to him with her 
most demure smile, careful to keep her legs primly together beneath the 
table.  Even a hint that she might cross them to be more comfortable 
might be misconstrued. It could delay the approval of her shipping 
documents for weeks or months. The pecan- honey cakes were indeed 
delicious, and she ate two of them, slowly, between sips of mocha-java. 


"You'll find everything in order for your signature and seal," she said.
 "The compact disks for your friend in Kirghiz have been discounted. I 
credited the antibiotic in blue tubes to Chevron's account with you.  
The check in your name is in French Francs, payable on Credit Lyonnaise 
and convertible into either Lire or Eurodollars, whichever you prefer." 


Behind his dark glasses, ben-Salaam's eyebrows inadvertently rose. "The
check?" he asked. 

"Your share of the proceeds from the Yak butter sale to Wise and Kroger.
 By tomorrow, you should be able to buy it off the shelf, or enjoy some 
at your favorite restaurant." 

"Ah, that is so thoughtful of you, my dear." He peered closely at the
signature on the check. 

"So, it is my old friend Sardi, is it.  He must have gotten the butter
from Kennedy.  Have you ever eaten Yak butter, Ursula?" 

She shook her head.  He went on, reminiscing. "The aroma of fresh Yak
butter reminds me of the blue mountains far across the deserts of my 
home. When I was young, my brother Shaga used to race his horse against 
mine, all the way to the foothills.  We used to climb like goats until 
we reached a steppe from which you could see an ocean of rugged 
mountain to the north and west, with the desert and the Gulf to the 
south and east.  And beneath Allah's pure blue sky we shared the dates 
and figs and goat-cheese and Yak butter, which was a great delicacy, 
for it had to be imported ... but I am rambling." 

Ben-Salaam called for his seals and signed all of the papers.  As he
returned them to Ursula, she reached discreetly into her portfolio and 
drew out a small gift, wrapped in silver foil with a red ribbon and a 
distinctive, pungent aroma.  Ben- Salaam looked up from the paperwork, 
removed his dark glasses and stared directly into her eyes. Even as he 
accepted the gift, she blushed and stood. The countertrade was 
complete. 

Shaga had his tiles and a tube of blue antibiotic to heal his wife. 

Kennedy had eleven thousand Swiss francs added to his Zürich account. 

Peter spent the weekend in Naples with six jars of Sardi's best Beluga
caviar, and two stunning ladies who said they came from Greece, but 
were really the daughters of one of Dijani's distant relatives. 

Sardi paid his agent fifteen percent on the $25,000 transaction with
Wise Distributors. 

Ben-Salaam's brother-in-law received a heavy case full of rock-'n'-roll
compact disks. 

But it was Kroger's who really cleaned up on the deal.  They re-packed
the jars of Yak butter in silver foil with red ribbons and distributed 
them through a confectionary house in Vienna, in exchange for half a 
pound of Beluga caviar per ounce of butter!  The caviar, of course, was 
shipped directly from Odessa to the Russian Market in Tel Aviv, where 
Harrod's bank advanced 85% of its value to a manufacturer, the Bic 
Razor Company, who packaged up 300,000 Israeli-made disposable razors 
for sale by Kroger's subsidiary, Super-X drugs in the United States. 

*   *   * 

Moral: By taking advantage of barter, pre-com- pensation, escrow
accounts, counter-acquisition, buy-back and triangular switching, you 
can have Yak butter in your refrigerator and disposable razors in your 
medicine cabinet.  Unless you prefer compact disks and Swiss bank 
accounts. 

*    *    *    *    * 

Seattle 2007 Gerald X. Diamond Copyright 1990


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