Uncle pervis Shames the Family... (standard:humor, 2769 words)
Author: stanley mcqueen kentucky backwoods writer	Added: May 01 2007	Views/Reads: 3575/2411	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
short humor backwood flavor

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on the account of pervis and all his holloring and screaming all night 
long that his has been framed ..judge norwood lives two shacks down 
from the jail and some say the judge ain,t got nary lick of sleep since 
pervis was put in jail ,, people are saying that pervis is likely to be 
hanged by his neck till he be dead the sheriff declares... i need to 
get back to the township fast the sheriff said they might linch him 
while i,m away he added “ and turned his pretty bay hoss toward town 
and rode away ... i knew mammy was ashamed of her brother but i knew 
she would go to see the outcome of his trial anyhow... we leaft off 
early that next morning and paw tried to get out of going with us but 
mammy insisted he go so we all went and when we arrive at the little 
wood court house a lot of wagons was setting all around the front and 
there was hardly room to park our corn wagon and  mules... it was ten 
in the morning when the sheriff come with pervis being toted by two 
large lawmen and they had him tied like a hog with ropes and he was 
kicking and screaming all the way from the jail to the court house.. 
folks laughed at pervis some shouted hang that loud mouth so we all can 
have some rest around  here in town...it never look good at all for my 
old crazy acting uncle .. he was not such a bad sort to say the least 
and i new he was not a whiskey peddler , but was given to drink 
moonshine spirits at times.. it seem to me like he was framed .. he 
never owned a wagon or even a team i new that much... nor did he have 
enought money to buy corn to even make illegal moonshine .. but it was 
looking like fate had bit him about the rump this time for sure i was 
thinking....the folks assemble in out little court house it was packed 
and some had to stand around the walls for the lack of setting places,, 
people wanted pervis hung it was evident.. uncle pervis put on quit a 
show to the folks kicking and going on and i wish they had gaged him 
for the less of shame to us being his kinfolks.. mammy face was red and 
she was shamed I could tell ,, i was glad i was just his nephew instead 
of his sister like maw was,...the two strong lawmen put him in the big 
chair beside the judges bench.. and  the judge call the court in 
session... what is this man charge with asked the judged as if he 
didn,t know,,illegal whiskey said a man with a paper and handed it to 
the judge,, the judge asked what is his plea asked the judge to 
pervis.. i,ve been framed blurted out  uncle pervis not guilty say 
pervis not guilty he repeats... then he has a jail house silver metal 
cup in his free hand and begin to bang in on the chair rail and that 
made the judge mad,, one of the lawmen tried to take it from him to no 
avail and then the judge said what would it take to make you stop this 
asked the sleepy  looking judge... pervis seem to be in deep thought 
and said how about a chew of tobacco i ain,t had a chaw sence i been 
caged up in jail he added... someone got a chew in the crowd asked the 
judge so we can get on with this trial.... pa took a twist our of his 
front shirt pocket and reach it to one of the law men to give uncle 
pervis... he bites off a large piece of tobacco and filled his jaw full 
and then begin chewing like a man eating a beef stake.. the judge was 
taking about the trial case and pervis was chawing and people eyes was 
focused on my fool uncle...then when we thought things couldn,t get no 
worse for pervis he make his jaws like a big bubble with air inside and 
spit a long slug of tobacco at judge norwood and the slug reaches the 
judges robe and splattered all over his   robe.. one of the lawmen 
hurried and tied a rag tightly aound his mouth part and never give 
pervis a chance to throw away his cud .. he  swallowed  the strong 
homemade  tobacco that pappy had grew on our place..he went to shorting 
out his nose from the ill effects of the strong tobacco he has just 
swallowed...it was nothing but a shame he had brought to us his kin 
folks ..folks stare at pervis and sees the anger in the judges face as 
he has to get up and go into the small room and remove his robe.. Uncle 
pervis looks a mite pale from the effect of the swallowed chaw of 
tobacco. people are quit now awaiting the judges return from his small 
room chamber...pervis has proved himself a fool right before nearly 
every neigbor in these parts,, especailly those that live here in town 
and close to the jail...if they was a hole that me and maw and pap 
could crawl in we would have crawled because of the shame our own blood 
kin had brought us...the judge returned with another robe on and the 
trial begains again, and the judge warns that if any laughter or smart 
remarks are made the person who makes them will be removed and place in 
the jail house and be fined a large fine by his court...after the crowd 
settled down the trial continues ...the judge tell the crowd that he 
wrote the Taylor county judge and requested that pervis trial be held 
there at the Taylor county seat because of getting fair folks to set on 
the jury that had not been kept up by all of uncle pervis screaming and 
holloring his fool head off , but Taylor county had all they wanted of 
uncle pervis for he has often been jailed there for drunkness and 
disordely conduct,,so the judge concludes that the trial    had to be 
done here in his home township... the judge issues uncle pervis a 
hundred dollar fine for the tobacco spit he recieved by pervis and says 
let us continue,, then the judge has the rag removed from the hole in 
pervis face and pervis promises no more trouble from now on during the 
trial. a lawyer start asking him question as he sets there with that 
greasey shock of hair and his dirty beared face and his clothes would 
stand alone they was so dirty,..the county laywer that represent Muddy 
Fork districk begain his question at Uncle pervis.. first off he start 
like this what is your name sir he asked now quite pervis.... why hell 
charlie you knowed me all my life and your asking my name answered 
Pervis...the crowd laughed and the judge said order order in this here 
court house his face is red by the outburst..after the people quited 
down the county lawyer asked him how many times he had been arrested 
and put in jail in muddy fork township...pervis answered forty six 
times in the last twenty years ...and what was the arrest for the 
laywer asked,, well for disordely conduct and being to drunk to stand 
up...my poor old crazy uncle said smiling... the crowd busted out 
laughting and that made the judge furiously mad....then as the crowd 
was warrned again by the judge order come back to the court room 
again...the laywer kept asking pervis more question and while he was 
doing so the  high sheriff come iside the court house with a paper in 
his right hand and he went forward after raising his hand to the judge 
at the back of the court house.. the judge stoped the lawyer question 
and the sheriff goes forward to the judges bench and hand the judge a 
pieace of paper,,, the judge read it and then he tells the lawyer to 
take a seat he has some news to pass along...the judge says it had been 
informed to me that the wagon that this here pervis was caught with has 
come up missing ,it and the whiskey to boot,. so we have no evidence 
now to convict Pervis and are required by law to let him go and cancel 
these proceeding...this paper said someone broke in the livery stable 
and stole it last night ,,our sheriff had it put there for safe keeping 
for evidence against mr Pervis..so here is what i have ruled to do that 
we throw out this case for lack of evidence and on one rule that im 
making for Mr Pervis...that he be barred from this here county of Muddy 
Fork districk for five years... he has been a nuisance and a touble 
maker and has kept everone one awake that lives near the jail for years 
now with his drunken jail house visits forty six times ..if he is 
caught in this districk again  im imposeing a ten year prison 
term...the crowd roared as the judge dismissed the trial and the law 
men let Pervis lose and he walked out of that court house proud as a 
pea cock, men throwed their hats into the air and folks cheered as the 
whole town watch my poor old sot uncle   pointed his nose toward 
brownville a neigboring country to muddy fork...one man shouted from 
the crowd you come back now you hear ... and pervis turned about and 
said  , I,ll be back in five years and he then resumed and every eye in 
town watch as he slowly disapeared into the distance...like poor old 
grandpa alway said” all is well that end well.” I over heared a man 
tell another man from the crowd ,,,things are looking up for Muddy Fork 
, but i feel sorry for the brownville county folks, and he chucked at 
his own words......we his kin would miss him being here and about but 
not to bad i do expect... Mammy swares she will never come back to the 
township again because of the shame Pervis has brought to our  kin .but 
i expect she will get over this plauge after time passes......the end


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