CINDERELLA (standard:poetry, 1736 words)
Author: James C. Bernthal	Added: Feb 10 2006	Views/Reads: 4278/2454	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A new take on the popular fairytale. Told in rhyme. Feedback welcome. Contains very mild and infrequent profanity

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

But never were there some for them. 

* 

Their mother saw this, got malnourished, 

Stressed and said: "She must be punished!" 

"She" of course was Cinderella, 

Who gave her step mum salmonella. 

* 

The step mum said, "Please sweep the floors." 

Aside: "That's the best job for whores." 

Aloud, though, she said, "You must learn 

"There's a fine line you must discern 

* 

"Between what's good and what's immoral; 

"I hear you've been up to Balmoral..." 

Cindy said, "You're such a dame! 

"Your punishments are inhumane!" 

* 

But, grudgingly, her part she played 

By sweeping up the mess she'd made. 

Then the post came, she percepted it, 

And feeling smart she intercepted it. 

* 

"Well, well well," she said, "Let's see 

"What letters are for step mummy." 

Through the Royal Mail she skimmed, 

And then she saw something.  She grinned. 

* 

"It seems the Prince of Wales will hold 

"A ball for women young and old, 

"To come and feed him food from pyrex. 

"One will marry His Royal Highness!" 

* 

Continuing, the letter said: 

"One day the prince will be the Head 

"Of State; a girl will be his Queen. 

"He'll chose you if you're eyes aren't green." 

* 

Cinderella quickly swore. 

"Just ‘cos I'm a green-eyed whore, 

"I can't marry this rich man, 

"But my blue-eyed sisters can... 

* 

"And my step mum," said Cinderella. 

"Won't it be fun not to tell ‘er?" 

She tore the envelope in two, 

And said, "I'm off to B and Q." 

* 

But really she went to Specsavers 

(Who also manufacture Quavers) 

And there she began to flirt. 

She temptingly raised up her skirt. 

* 

The optician was astute. 

He saw she was a prostitute. 

He tried to give her lots of cheques, 

In order to pay for her sex. 

* 

But "no" she said.  He couldn't discern 

Quite what she wanted in return. 

She pointed to blue contact lenses, 

And then she said, "I want themses." 

* 

Then she had her wicked way 

And took the false eyes for her pay. 

Now she needed a posh dress. 

Her current clothes were quite a mess. 

* 

Meanwhile, cleaning with the hoover 

(Quite a difficult manouver) 

Cinderella's step mum found 

Scraps of letter on the ground. 

* 

She made the bits coher and read 

Exactly what the letter said. 

"The prince is having a ball!" she snorted 

"Maybe my girls are not thwarted." 

* 

The grand day came, a ball was held. 

Women came from round the world. 

Step mum and sisters went to the palace. 

Cinderella was drenched in malice. 

* 

She still hadn't got a frock, 

Only a disgusting smock. 

Now, she felt, was a good time 

To call on godmum Madeline. 

* 

Madeline was old and airy. 

Actually, she was a fairy 

And nothing got her favour quicker 

Than quantities of gin and liquor. 

* 

Cinderella gave her much 

And lots and lots of homemade fudge. 

"I've kept my side," she quickly said. 

"Now to the ball I must be led." 

* 

Her eyes lit up as she declared 

Exactly what she'd like to wear. 

"I want a pair of glitter slippers, 

"And a crop top fit for Jack the Ripper! 

* 

"That way, with a golden carriage, 

"The prince is sure to give me marriage!" 

She batted both her eyes and grinned, 

Knowing that she'd nearly sinned. 

* 

"Magic god mum," she then said. 

‘Make my carriage gold and red." 

"Do it yourself, you country bumpkin," 

Said the fairy.  "Here's a pumpkin." 

* 

Cindy didn't look impressed. 

She grimaced.  "Dear, I know you're stressed, 

"But get a bloody move on, bitch, 

"Make a coach and make me rich." 

* 

The fairy god mum nearly cried, 

But dutifully she obliged 

And made the pumpkin look all pretty. 

A coach to take her to the city. 

* 

Cindy rolled up, her dress glistened. 

But, alas, she hadn't  listened 

To her godmother who warned, 

"At 12 o'clock it will reform." 

* 

Cinderella saw the prince, 

Crossed the dance floor with a mince, 

And began to thrust on him 

Her shapely body – she was slim. 

* 

But the prince was more inclined 

To go for girls with big behinds. 

He pushed the whore off and advanced 

To ugly sister Anne.  They danced. 

* 

It was love, love at first sight. 

The prince and Anne danced all the night. 

Cinderella left the palace 

At 1 am, quite full of malice. 

* 

She stole her stepsister's old car 

And travelled it to places far. 

This meant that Anne had to run. 

She left the party.  "It was fun". 

* 

"Come back!" cried out the Prince of Wales. 

"You're the best of all females. 

"Yes, my dear, you may be hideous, 

"But your charm is quite insidious." 

* 

True love was never stronger, 

Nor destined to last much longer 

Than the prince's must have been 

For Anne.  He said, "She'll be my queen!" 

* 

Anne, I hardly need to mention, 

Wasn't used to such attention. 

Scared, she grabbed at her umbrella, 

And ran back home, to Cinderella. 

* 

Cindy said: "You ugly tart! 

"Your mum said that I'm not to start, 

"But can't you see I'm broken hearted? 

"You stole my prince and then departed." 

* 

Adding, "I stole your car, alright, 

"Because it was past midnight. 

"Were I a fish I'd flip my flipper. 

"What've you done with your old slipper?" 

* 

She looked down at her stepsister's 

Foot, covert in warts and blisters. 

The shoe was gone, the foot exposed. 

And also scum between the toes. 

* 

"Oh dear," said Anne.  "That is a pity. 

"I must have left it in the city, 

"When I was running from the ball. 

"That was my favourite one and all..." 

* 

Meanwhile, the Prince of Wales had found 

Something mouldy on the ground. 

He picked it up and measured it. 

"There's only one girl this could fit!" 

* 

He added, "the girl I adore, 

"Who ran away at 10 to 4. 

"She must have dropped her shoe as she 

"Ran to get away from me." 

* 

Fearing a new pay reduction, 

Staff applauded this deduction. 

The prince turned to his secretary 

And told him he was tired out.  Very. 

* 

"Would you be a star and take 

"This charming shoe across the lake? 

"There, go and knock at every house, 

"And find this girl – my future spouse." 

* 

"But, highness, sir, how can we tell 

"which one is the proper girl?" 

The prince said, breaking rules of class, 

"My girl has got the biggest arse." 

* 

As an afterthought he put 

In these words: "Look at her foot, 

"And make her try this slipper on it. 

"It it fits, it's her one, innit?" 

* 

Despite an air of grave dubiety, 

Remembering their high society 

Employer, staff again all cheered, 

And said, "That's clever, prince, m'dear." 

* 

With an angry loyal frown, 

The servants went all round the town, 

And every maiden did her bit, 

And tried the shoe.  It didn't fit. 

* 

At last the house of Ms. O'Sneller 

(Stepmother to Cinderella) 

Was reached by the grand procession. 

She said: "I've got a confession... 

* 

"... I think that is my daughter's shoe. 

"My daughter Anne is one of two. 

"But come, Your Grace, and have some tea. 

"I'll tell you more about old me." 

* 

His Grace Sir John was a very 

Inefficient secretary. 

He left the footwear in the hall, 

Where Cinderella paid a call. 

* 

She saw and swiped the largish shoe, 

Discreetly flushed it down the loo 

And in it's place she snidely put 

A glass slipper form her own foot. 

* 

Then she cried out: "Oh, what's there? 

"My old slipper, I declare! 

"Now if correctly I recall, 

"I last had it at the ball." 

* 

Cindy, though used to the mattress, 

Was really an accomplished actress. 

Sir John, the secretary, heard, 

And ran out to her, said: "My word!" 

* 

Then: "I'm sure that's not the shoe, 

"But I'm, much less sharp than you. 

"I'll take your word.  Come on, don't fuss, 

"Otherwise we'll miss the bus." 

* 

They caught the bus down to the pub, 

Where the prince, amid hubbub, 

Was waiting in a thick disguise. 

He couldn't believe his eyed. 

* 

"That's not the girl!" He declared 

So loudly Cindy got quite scared. 

"I'll go and find the girl myself." 

He took a phonebook from the shelf. 

* 

"I think she said her name was Anne. 

"Anne O'Sneller.  Here's the one!" 

Sir John, annoyed, got quite profain. 

"You didn't say you knew her name!" 

* 

"How dare you answer back, old man?" 

The prince cried out.  "You're fired, Dan!" 

(For some reason he never got 

First names correct.  Well not a lot). 

* 

Cindy said, "What John deserves is 

"Incessant hire of my services." 

So they went off in the night, 

To what Sir John said was "alright". 

* 

Anyway, the prince had run 

To Edna, Anne and Dee's old mum. 

He said: "I think I'll wed your daughter." 

Edna said, "Oh yes, you oughta." 

* 

So they were wed; she got her fella, 

Unlike little Cinderella, 

Who got locked in the cellar, 

Contracted salmonella, 

And died. 

THE END – COPYRIGHT © JAMES C. BERNTHAL FEBRUARY 2005 


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