Earth-ship (standard:humor, 2060 words)
Author: Ian Hobson	Added: Jul 25 2005	Views/Reads: 3875/2392	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Stardate: 3015. Earth-ship Centipede. Somewhere in the universe. (Warning: contains twenty-first century language)

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

ships on the starboard bow.'  Conveniently, the command screen switched 
from the Engineering deck to the approaching enemy craft.  'Three 
Cling-Clang battle cruisers heading straight for us, Captain!  And the 
first one's firing on us!' 

'Raise the shields!' ordered Captain Slogg, but too late.  The Centipede
shuddered as the first missile hit, flooring most of the crew, 
including Captain Slogg who was thrown from the command chair, and Mr 
Spook who fell on top of him. 

'I have the shields almost up, Captain.' First Mate Hobbs had managed to
stay in his seat and was wrestling with the controls. 

Meanwhile Captain Slog was on the floor wrestling with Mr Spook who had
unfortunately kneed him in the testicles as he landed on top of him and 
now had his left foot caught under the command chair. 

'Get off 'o me, Spook!' groaned Slogg, as he tried to extract himself
from Spook's spider-like arms and legs.  Lieutenant Loveseat rushed to 
the captain's aid.  She leaned over him, wrapped an arm around his neck 
and tried to pull him free; almost suffocating him with her bosoms. 

'God dam it!' exclaimed Slogg, his voice muffled.  'Will the pair of you
get off 'o me.  We're under attack for Chrisake.' 

'Sorry, Captain,' said Mr Spook, finally managing to get his foot free. 

'Prepare to return fire, Mr Subaru.'  Ordered Captain Slogg, as he freed
himself from Loveseat's embrace and got shakily to his feet. 

'Aye, Aye, Captain.' Chief Gunner Subaru had also managed to retain his
seat and was busily vectoring in the co-ordinates, or as he preferred 
to call it: 'getting ready to blarst the barstards'. 

'Damage report?'  Captain Slogg was back in the command chair and doing
the job he was paid to do: staying calm in a hazardous situation; 
keeping his cool; giving clear and concise orders.  'I SAID, GIVE ME 
THE FUCKING DAMAGE REPORT, FOR CHRISAKE!' 

The command screen switched back to the Engineering Deck where warning
lights were flashing and alarms were sounding.  Suddenly Mack's face 
filled the screen.  'It's not too bad Captain.  We've lost power to 
number three engine and the Laundry Deck's badly damaged and the 
paintwork on the starboard rear quarter's got a nasty scratch, but 
otherwise we're okay.' 

'Can you give me warp speed, if I need it, Mack?' 

'Aye, Captain, ready when you are.' 

'Ready to fire, Captain,' announced Mr Subaru. The command screen had
changed back to the enemy ships and they were all clearly in range.  A 
second enemy missile struck and momentarily rocked the Centipede, but 
the deflector shields held and the crewmembers remained upright. 

'For fuck's sake, fire!' ordered Mr Spook. 

'I'm in command, here!' exclaimed Captain Slogg.  'Fire on all three
ships, Mr Subaru.' 

'Aye, aye, Captain.'  One by one, Mr Subaru turned three keys in his
control panel and pounded the red button beside each.  'That'll blarst 
the basrtards!' 

The command-screen still showed the approaching enemy ships, and the
whole crew watched as the three bright, star-like missiles sped towards 
them.  But as the first of them was about to strike, all three ships 
vanished, and the missiles began to follow each other around in 
ever-decreasing circles. 

'Where'd they go?' exclaimed Captain Slogg; his eyes glued to the
command screen as the missiles continued to circle. 

'Shit!  I was right on target.'  Subaru scratched his head in disbelief.


'Put the missiles in a holding pattern, Mr Subaru,' ordered Mr Spook. 
'We may need them yet.' 

'Captain, I'm picking up a strange signal.'  Loveseat adjusted her
headphones and twisted the knobs on her control panel; her expression 
one of concentration. 

Suddenly the image on the command screen changed from the circling
missiles to a blurry grey image that gradually resolved into the face 
of an old man, who immediately began to speak:  'Captain Slogg.'  The 
voice seemed slightly out of sync with the face.  'Captain Russell P. 
Slogg.' 

'Who the fuck are you?' asked Slogg.  Though the face seemed eerily
familiar. 

'Admiral Russell P. Slogg, retired.  At your service.' 

Captain Slogg turned towards First Mate Hobbs.  'Hobbs, if this is
another one of your practical jokes, I'll have you hung out to dry.' 

Hobbs looked offended and was about to reply but the old man on the
screen spoke first.  'It's no joke Russ.  I'm you... forty-seven years 
from now.  I've sent this recording back to warn you of the great 
danger you are in.' 

'Captain.  This must be some kind of enemy trick,' suggested Spook.  'A
diversion to keep us occupied while they attack from another angle.' 

'Too right!' agreed the captain. 

'No, Mr Spook,' said the face on the screen.  'It's no trick, and there
are no enemy ships.  It's all an illusion.' 

'An illusion?' said Captain Slogg, incredulously. 'Do you mean to
say...' 

'It can't be,' Spook interrupted.  'Illusions don't fire missiles at
earth-ships.' 

'Let me finish.' said Slogg, pointing a finger at the image on the
command-screen and then suddenly looking animated.  'How do we know 
you're not an illusion?  And if you're a recording, how come you're 
taking part in this conversation?' 

'Good question, Captain.'  The old man grinned.  'I always was real
smart.  But think about it.  All communications and bridge 
conversations are recorded – right?' 

'That's correct, Captain,' confirmed Lieutenant Loveseat. 

'Well, I kept a copy,' continued the old man. 'Not that I needed one.  I
remember that day like it was yesterday, and I know everything you are 
going to ask.  Including your next question, Russ.  I'm just glad I 
finally figured out how to get this recording to you.' 

Everyone looked at the captain, who at first seemed lost for words but
then asked: 'Suppose, for a minute, I believe that you are me, and not 
some kind of trick, and I, I mean and you, really are an admiral.  Did 
you say we were in danger?' 

'That's right,' replied the admiral.  'Now listen up.  The Centipede is
caught in a tractor beam and you're being pulled into a sort of black 
hole.  The Cling-Clang ships were just a diversion.  The real enemy is 
an evil race that overpower spacecraft by playing mind games with their 
crews until they are close enough to the black hole to be sucked in and 
overrun.' 

'Who are they?' asked Captain Slogg. 

'We call 'em the Cimmerii.  You're gonna spend most of your life
fighting 'em, Russ.  But never mind that now.  Ask Mack to give you 
warp speed, and then get the hell out of Dodge City...  Oh, and by the 
way: when you're in the clear, get Mack to rewire the garbage crusher.  
It's been sending your garbage back up the tubes, instead of crushing 
it.'  Suddenly the image faded and the face of Admiral Slogg was gone. 

'Captain, I've located the black hole!' exclaimed Loveseat, and we are
in a tractor beam!' 

'Give the co-ordinates to Mr Subaru,' ordered Spook. 

'Fuck the co-ordinates!' exclaimed Slogg.  Didn't you hear what he, I
mean I, I mean, what the Admiral said?  We gotta get the hell out...' 

'But, Captain,' interrupted Spook, 'the three missiles we fired can be
reprogrammed to head into the black hole and we can back them up with 
three more.  Then we can go to warp speed.' 

Slogg paused for a moment.  'Good thinking, Spook.  That should give the
enemy something to chew on.  Mr Subaru, do you have the co-ordinates?' 

'Aye, aye, Captain.  And three more missiles locked and loaded.' 

'Then you have my permission to blast the bastards.' 

'Aye, eye... Captain!  Firing, now!' 

'Mack?'  Slogg turned back to the command screen and, conveniently,
Mack's face filled the screen again.  'Warp speed, on my order, Mack.' 

'Aye, eye, Captain!' 

As soon as the three more missiles were clear, Captain Slogg took the
controls and turned the Centipede around and gave the order to go to 
warp speed.  But the tractor beam was too strong; the Centipede was 
still being pulled towards the black hole and beginning to shudder 
violently. 

'I need more power, Mack!' 

Mack's face filled the command-screen again.  'She can't take it,
Captain!' 

'She's got to, Mack.  Give her everything you've got!' 

'Aye, aye, sir,' 

'Hobbs!  Lower the shields to save power,' ordered Mr Spook. 

'All missiles synchronised and on target, Captain,' announced Mr Subaru.
'Eight seconds to impact.' 

'But we're still caught in the tractor beam,' observed Loveseat. 

'Oh, fuck!' exclaimed Captain Slogg.  We're all going to die!' 

'But you can't die, Captain,' replied Spook.  'You're going to be an
admiral, remember?' 

'Yeah, that's right!' said Captain Slogg, looking more hopeful.  Then
suddenly, with one last violent shudder, the Centipede broke free of 
the tractor beam and, helped by a massive explosion from the vicinity 
of the black hole, it was hurtled across the galaxy and on into the 
next one. 

*** 

CAPTAIN'S SLOGG'S LOG – STARDATE: 19 FEBRUARY 3015: Gee-whiz!  I'm going
to be an admiral! 


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