FOOD FOR MY SOUL (standard:other, 3331 words)
Author: Hope	Added: Feb 23 2005	Views/Reads: 3215/2186	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A TRIBUTE...

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

mind had remained open and enthusiastic for learning. You are fortunate 
in possessing your self-awareness, and your thirst, and most 
importantly what seems to be the seed of a personal calmness, which 
might provide some of the most exhilarating experiences imaginable. 

BEAUTIFUL 

Maybe you need to extend your acceptance of your own importance, your
equality with the beings you are seeing as deities - they are only 
people a little further along the pathway. Following others might not 
be the path to enlightenment. We are all fellow travelers - equals 
regardless of experience. It might sound strange, but I believe gods 
only exist in the minds of those unsure of themselves, as a term to 
explain the difficulties of life. As you understand more about 
yourself, there is less on the outside to explain (though more on the 
inside) I hike, often with friends who include a botanist and 
zoologist. As we hike they map the environments we pass through into 
scientific models - they see the trees and birds in a taxonomic 
structure, with names for everything, and documented relationships. But 
I suspect they cannot feel their movement, or their interactions with 
the what they are seeing - the words and models are clouding their 
senses. Perhaps it's the same with one's life - we translate what we 
feel into preformed models - religious, philosophical, political models 
- and we miss the personal interpretation. Yes, you are special, no you 
are not useless ... you determine your own value when you no longer 
think in terms of a value (which after all, can only ever be relative). 
I get the impression you have an enormous hunger for life, and you 
search for experience to feed it. 

WHY 

You are fascinating to interact with - your fierce independence is
familiar. Perhaps you are in a transition towards a comfort with your 
difference, as well as with your self - they may strengthen together. 
I've found very few people in my life who appreciate my independence 
and who understand the way I think - that has often created loneliness 
in the midst of busy social and family interaction. But very 
occasionally there have been contacts, interactions, with similar minds 
- beings able to share without bindings and dependencies these 
friendships have refreshed and strengthened me. It's always a relief to 
know there are similar souls, even when you are comfortable with your 
own view of life. And it's energizing to interact on your own plane. 
Your confidence in yourself can only increase as you feel the warmth of 
your own space. I sense we have a lot to discuss. 

SAVING 

Sounds like you are overloaded intellectually - there's a point beyond
which you need to switch off and wait. Waiting peacefully is a good 
skill - listening for the next heartbeat, knowing that there will 
another following it, and another after that. Life proceeds in small 
steps, but our minds can see big pictures, big tasks - we have to learn 
to break the big tasks into small steps, then insurmountable tasks 
become a series of simple steps. How does a person who thinks she knows 
it all get down to doing it?? - Practice waiting, delaying action - 
then you can control your anxiety and realize that there is so much 
useless activity, and useless complexity. Simple solutions are 
long-lived, and take less energy to implement ... life is basically 
very simple, but we tend to make it appear to be more complex than it 
really is. How many of the pleasures you remember are dependent on 
complexity, how many are associated with simplicity? Look for 
simplicity, take small steps, listen for the next heartbeat. 

CALM 

Being calm does not mean you are not alert; it means you are not being
stressed by your environment. And by being calm you are more able to 
cope with any dangers. Watch how a medical practitioner handles an 
emergency - calm, delaying decisions, alert, analytical, observant - 
but never directed by panic. You sound like you have a high stress 
level, you are intelligent, sensitive and intense. You have set 
yourself a lot of ground to cover, but remember there is no rush, you 
do not need to achieve all your goals immediately. And journeys do not 
need to end if you enjoy traveling. Maybe your path can include steps, 
which are pleasurable, that bring simple joy to you, and so both 
strengthen and soften your spirit. 

TRAVELING 

There are signs of relaxation in this last message you sent; very
positive beads of optimism uncovered. It's a side of your personality 
which you have not revealed in previous messages; it is very appealing, 
with a positive beauty. Deciding on a path is not simple when your 
travel experience is dwarfed by your desire to travel; your vision will 
be focused on the mountains in the distance, while the immediate 
terrain under your feet might be overlooked. It is only you who should 
make the decision when and whether to complete your degree - if you 
don't make the decision then others might make it for you, and it's 
very important that it is you who makes this decision, if it's to be a 
good decision which is right for you and a decision which you can 
adhere to. Listen to advice from those who you respect, but make the 
decision on your own. If you want to travel in a particular 
western-style environment, then the degree will be of importance to 
your life - but if you truly cannot generate interest, either in the 
subject matter, or the immediate path which the degree will lead you 
along, then it might be better to postpone this study to a later time 
in your life. But be sure to have something of personal importance to 
replace your study's previous place in your life. You may not be able 
to explain your feelings to your family; they may not be able to 
understand your personal desires, or your view of your place in the 
world around you. If this is so, then you will need to be strong, 
resolute in following your own plan ... which means than you need to 
have a definite personal plan which is yours, created by you. This 
plan, whether it is to complete your study before traveling, or to work 
then travel, has to be clear in your mind - then all you have to do is 
follow it like a path; step by step. Your plan might need to sheltered 
under your coat to protect it from destruction by anyone wishing to 
change it to suit their expectations. But importantly, it has to be a 
good plan for you, realistic and positive for your development - a plan 
which you can achieve and then show proudly to those who doubted you. 
It doesn't have to be a grandiose plan - its power will be in its 
humility, and in it's relevance to your needs. 

WORDS 

Yes, words are the supreme power - they can permeate the strongest
defenses, assuage the deepest agonies. They are able to intellectual 
stimulate, triggering thoughts and ideas, or sensually stimulate 
eliciting images of deep intensity. I share your feelings for music - 
like words, music covers a broad spectrum of intellectual, sensual and 
physical effect. Listening and dancing in a darkened, crowded room can 
stir our primal spirit; in the bright sunshine can lift us through the 
clouds - there is such an infinite range of relationship with music. 
And when poetry is linked with music, words again show their power ... 
I found the words to "ME", and was moved deeply by the message they 
brought; the combination of sorrow with optimism. I am carrying my 
voice I am carrying a heart. I am carrying the rhythm I look forward to 
hearing the music. Sensitive beings are deeply effected by scars on 
humanity - the greed, the destruction of our environment and the spirit 
of the earth ... but we also share the optimism of being aware of the 
beauty "a beautiful place, everything green soo many trees, water maybe 
a waterfall, butterflies, birds.. the sky." ... to be aroused by the 
simplicity of these things is to be a rich positive person. We need to 
be in awe of our positive features, and in sympathy of our weaknesses - 
in that way, we can channel our positive energy into improvement, 
rather than to despair... 

THOUGHTS 

I've also been reading Coelho recently, and was touched by the
unpretentious spirituality of the words. Your affinity with the warrior 
of light is very familiar; the freedom experienced when this 
realization dawns is amazing. You are someone who can make a difference 
to yourself - this is the most valuable of effects. I adore the way 
your spirit is unfolding, waking and stretching in the sunlight... 

CHEATING 

Sure, taking a break is more than ok, its critical. It's not cheating,
as there are no justifiable rules preventing you from growing, changing 
and exploring yourself. Its also very valuable to be someone else, to 
see things from outside yourself, to feel the glow from a different 
angle; and importantly its fun - so go for it with a big smile and a 
gentle heart. You are allowing your personal space to be violated, 
perhaps this is why you feel so threatened, and then you take that 
external threat and blame yourself for it. ... your personal space is 
inviolate, it's yours now and will always be. No one can even see it 
unless you let them - and they don't need to see it to be your friend, 
your lover or your family. Its well inside anything that you share with 
other beings. No, you aren't a weak person; just a sensitive person 
with a very active inquisitive spirit. These traits will grow to be a 
life long comfort, rather that the annoyance they seem to be at this 
moment in your life. When negativity is pressing on you, remember that 
a finite number of seconds will pass and then you will smile and feel 
warm about yourself. You aren't on your own, at a very similar time I 
experienced the same engrossing blackness - still do to a lesser 
extent, but now I use it for fuel, rather than let it use me. The task 
is with you - you have the intellectual agility to be your own person, 
feel your own unique way. For every black thought, practice generating 
a simple arousing thought which will lift you... 

PEACE 

I'm reading in your words many thoughts I've personally experienced. The
beautiful thought of being in peace somewhere in the mountains, 
contemplating life, committed to peaceful meditation; I first had this 
thought just before I turned 20 and this seemed to be a nirvana 
compared to the black loneliness and discord of my life at that time. 
It's not that I had suffered any pain, or disadvantage - quite the 
opposite. I'd had a comfortable privileged existence, in the third year 
of medical studies - but I did not feel part of the environment, or 
close to its people, and I'd started to become aware, though 
literature, of different attitudes, and of people who had suffered 
similar feelings of isolation. My readings lead me toward eastern 
mysticism, not formally, but in a personal way where I could begin to 
build a life view which was to become my own meaning for existence. 
Recently I had reason to revisit these early beginnings of my thoughts, 
and I was surprised to see in retrospect how I have gradually and 
quietly moved toward my simple goals of 30 years ago - this really 
surprised me. Those seeds planted so long ago have quietly grown with 
me, and I can look back and trace their path ... I lead a very simple, 
sensual life now, aware of the beauty surrounding me, and the harmony 
of my mind and body with my environment. Why am I rambling on like 
this? to try, in my stumbling way, to tell you that your present state 
is part of a progression, and that I believe your direction appears 
very similar to mine, and that it is a direction which will lead you to 
happiness in a quiet unassuming way. Maybe you can in some way take 
some solace from this, maybe gain some confidence about your future... 

MEMORIES 

Many thanks for letting me read your story. It tells me a lot about you,
and I appreciate that you have decided to share this with me. It is 
also very comforting that you would be interested in my opinion. Your 
words touched my senses, not just those feelings of sorrow, but also 
feelings of elation, that a child could suffer so, and yet have such a 
bright spirit, with a positive striving to continue the stream of 
beauty left to her by her mother. Rather than shrinking into her 
sorrow, she recognizes the gift she has, and although initially a hard 
path, she can see that she needs to grow personally. Many people never 
realise this. Do you feel this? 

FEELINGS 

All those feelings, those personalities, those faces you feel - they
might be real; they might exist for a short moment and disappear. 
You're a person who explores and questions - an inquisitive person who 
wants to understand, especially when you are involved. So these faces 
might exist as part of your exploration, where you are experiencing the 
possibilities you imagine. They appear and disappear - so don't take 
them too seriously, even though they might hurt now. A father/daughter 
relationship is complex, and never stationary - there are times when 
you can't communicate, when there seems to be nothing but hurt in the 
relationship. Then things can turn around, and the relationship can 
repair. But those times in between, like the ones you describe, are not 
very pleasant. And some times relationships don't repair, even when you 
try the hardest you can. Both fathers and daughters need their 
relationship, and seek out proxies when they are missing their first 
options. Don't judge yourself harshly because you are in need - it 
isn't your fault, and because of your sensitivity you feel great enough 
pain without adding blame to the list. It is time for you to add some 
lightness to your thoughts, to strengthen your resolve to move into a 
new era of development, and shake off the heaviness, which is holding 
you back. As you say, you are not a person who lives within walls to 
protect yourself - from pain or anything else. I sense you want to 
experience life - the positive parts of life; the joy, the excitement, 
love, friendship, intellectual challenge. All this is out there, 
waiting for you. You say your friends love you, but your boyfriends 
hurt you ... have you ever had a lover who was a friend first? I 
believe that choosing a lover who is a friend is the most important 
thing we can do - but also one of the most difficult. A bad choice 
brings intolerable pain. A good choice brings peace. Waiting to make a 
choice brings anticipation. There are some things which can't be solved 
today ... put them to one side, and work on the easy things - the small 
steps. Write to me telling me of the happy thoughts you had in the last 
hour... 

"He is my magical unicorn who recognized the colors of my heart in the
depths of agony and  saw only the light in my painful self created 
darkness. His words have changed me and are my most precious 
possessions. I want to share his insight to help others who might have 
similar questions and cant find their answers, so they can take comfort 
in his words to help them find their own power within. 

Thank you dear friend, this is my gift to you for your kind gentle words
which guided me out of darkness into light" 


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