Evil Bill: Grim Harvest (standard:horror, 8076 words) [4/4] show all parts
Author: The Dark Master	Added: Nov 09 2000	Views/Reads: 3104/2088	Part vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
This is the last Evil Bill story in the Saga. This is the most glorious of the series. Evil Bill's fury no longer extends to the inhabitants simple towns...but cities and nations. This is only the beginning of the End.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story

He eviscerated her, mangling the fetuses and spraying blood everywhere, 
but He wasn't done yet. Bill continued to hack away until her mangled, 
headless body lay in two pieces, its entire midsection gone. Bill then 
charged the dozen or so bystanders, spearing them on His blade, then 
whipped Himself upwards, ripping His blade from their bodies. By now 
the news helicopter had arrived: fresh meat! Bill shot upward like a 
SAM, impacting the helicopter at the junction of the tail and body, 
severing the tail off. He continued right through the rotor, shattering 
it instantly.  The mangled rotor turned uselessly in the air, its 
blades now devoid of their lifting power. With nothing to keep the 
helicopter up, it plummeted to the ground in a graceful arc that hid 
the terror and destruction that would come. The helicopter smashed into 
the cars stuck on road and burst into fire then exploded in a pillar of 
flame. The explosion rocked the ground and engulfed fourteen cars in a 
ball of fire. Shrapnel flew in all directions, shredding the panicking 
crowd as it raced past the wreckage. Metal and flesh collided in an 
explosion of blood and death, half a dozen bystanders died instantly, 
scores more were injured and four more died in the hospital, and that 
didn't include those in the cars. Now Evil Bill called upon the powers 
of Hell once more as He recharged His energy reserves. But as He 
concentrated, a police helicopter flew up to Him with a sniper onboard. 
A .308 slug ripped through His body as He was caught unprepared. The 
bullet caused His fuel tank to explode, unleashing the pent up power 
within Him. A huge explosion expanded from His body, engulfing thirty 
cars and flinging flaming wreckage everywhere. Shrapnel rained from the 
sky, destroying dozens of other vehicles. The shockwave was so powerful 
that it could be seen spreading outward, throwing more cars in to the 
air and smashing back down again. The fireball then rose upwards, 
obliterating the police helicopter, leaving a burning, hellish inferno 
on the ground.  Bill's spirit once again traversed the ethereal planes 
of darkness, only to be vested in the body of yet another machine far 
away... 

SCOOORE!  A soccer ball rocketed into a makeshift goal.  A group of
Brazilian teenagers were playing a game of soccer on a farm and the 
home team had just scored.  Their yelling and cheering drowned out the 
sound of a large motor starting somewhere on the farm.  In a matter of 
seconds, the players' triumphant yelling was now drowned out by another 
noise...the noise of a piece of heavy farm equipment running at full 
throttle.  An ominous, dark shadow encapsulated the teens in a veil of 
darkness as they gazed in awe and terror at the smoke-belching horror 
that was in front of them.  "My children, I shall cleanse your unclean 
souls of their sins," bellowed the machine.  A flash of recognition 
simultaneously went through the teens' minds as they came to the 
terrifying realization of what was now before them.  Uncle José's barn 
door had been battered down seemingly from the inside.  All the teens 
knew that Uncle José kept only one machine in the rickety old 
barn...his industrial roto-tiller! 

The teens tried to flee, but got nowhere; their feet were firmly held to
the ground by vines that had grown around the kids' feet.  "I see that 
there are many weeds in my garden.  There is only one way to destroy 
weeds...yank them out by the root!" With that, Bill, powered by His 
unquenchable thirst for blood, engaged His motor and advanced on the 
terrified teens. The teenagers' screams were drowned out by the 
incredible noise of Bill's hellspawned motor. He started with Manuel, 
whose screams of terror soon turned into screams of anguish as Bill 
shredded his feet and worked His way up.  Inch by inch, centimeter by 
centimeter, Evil Bill shredded the unfortunate teenager. Manuel's 
screams were brutally silenced as Bill mangled his lungs, flinging 
blood and chunks of pink tissue everywhere. Blood gushed out of 
Manuel's nose and mouth as Evil Bill ground up his rib cage with a 
sickening crunch. Bill then rolled right over Manuel's head, shredding 
it with a wet, muffled *THUNK*. As He advanced on the rest of the 
unfortunate boys, a pool of chunky paste was all that was left of poor 
Manuel.  The great Circle of Life was now complete. "Ashes to ashes, 
dust to dust, have no fear my children for you will be forgiven for 
your sins.  For from the Earth you came, and to the Earth you shall 
return," preached Bill as He advanced on the remaining youths. It was 
time to listen to Father Bill's sermon of darkness. 

The other boys continued to scream in terror as Evil Bill advanced
slowly. "Your souls are unclean, but don't worry, your time of 
redemption is here," said Bill soothingly. He approached two boys who 
were rooted into the ground side-by-side. Evil Bill shoved them to the 
ground with His psionic powers and then cut across their bodies 
diagonally. Grapefruit sized chunks of flesh flew everywhere as He 
minced their legs. He left their eviscerated torsos lying on the 
ground, their guts spilling onto the blood stained soil. Uncle José 
wouldn't need to water or fertilize his fields for a very long time. 

Evil Bill continued to shred the young bodies of His other victims until
there was nothing left but chunks of flesh everywhere.  As He looked 
about, He thought about how refreshing and peaceful gardening could be. 
 Not only had He watered and fertilized the soil, but He had also 
helped out the insect and animal populations of the area; swarms of 
ants and flocks of hungry birds now converged on the scene.  In only a 
matter of minutes, the only trace of the children was their still-warm 
blood soaking into the rich, black earth.  In fact, Bill had just 
learned of one of the many benefits of symbiotic relationships; He had 
provided the insects and birds with freshly-killed meat, and they had 
picked His blood-splattered rotating blades clean of all meat.  Bill 
thought that this could be a great asset.  If these billions of aphids 
and caterpillars could eat meat as well as plant matter, then they sure 
as hell could also kill! 

Overpowering their simple minds with the great darkness of His psionic
force, Evil Bill summoned them to His side, calling them to the side of 
darkness. As He led His army toward the closest city, He wondered just 
how much pesticide these humans had. 

Carlos was very excited, Carnival was about to begin and he was up near
the front of the crowd that had gathered to watch the parade. Little 
did he know of the terror that would come. 

Evil Bill beheld the sight before Him, a small farmhouse was afire, its
occupants writhing on the ground in a sea of aphids, caterpillars, and, 
the king of the jungle, mosquitoes. The unfortunate victims soon 
succumbed as the aphids, caterpillars, and mosquitoes ate through their 
skin, and tore their muscles to tiny bits. But long before any real 
damage was done, the victims began to lose consciousness from shock and 
blood loss.  Within half an hour, the crimson stained bones of His 
victims, a few chunks of flesh still attached, were otherwise cleaned 
of their earthly sins. 

After the slaughter, Bill rolled out, sniffing the air, testing it. 
After sifting through all the ordinary scents, He found one, the one He 
had desired since the beginning of this unholy quest.  The pungent odor 
of many peoples' hot sweat, the smell of lust itself, and His favorite 
yet...fresh blood all mixed into one odor, the Master Scent.  This 
scent would lead Him to a city whose inhabitants, instead of reveling 
in the mutual joy of Carnival would soon be fleeing in terror from his 
whirling Blades of Death.  This city's name: Rio de Janeiro. 

The pulsating music and lights wooed Carlos and his friend Pepe to
become part of the seething mass orgy known as Carnival.  They sang 
danced around, feeling totally detached from their bodies, and looking 
like total assholes in the process.  But nobody cared; in spite of the 
failing economy, this was going to be the best Carnival yet, or so it 
seemed... 

Terrified villagers fled from Bill's horrific blades, but could not run
from His dark followers.  As the caterpillars and aphids were too slow 
to catch up with the shrieking peasants, the mosquitoes made their 
move.  Invigorated by their inbred thirst for blood, the dark cloud of 
mosquitoes descended upon the villagers.  The villagers' cries were 
drowned out by the droning of the bloodthirsty insects' wings.  
Millions of tiny hypodermic needles pierced the skin of the victims as 
the hellish insects began the grim task of sucking the precious bodily 
fluids from the ripe bodies of their victims. 

As evening fell over the city, Carlos and Pepe continued to party. They
oohed and aahed with the crowd. Suddenly, screams began emanating from 
one corner of the crowd. At first Carlos thought another float was 
approaching, then, suddenly a booming voice began to speak. "Enough!" 
boomed the voice. "You would engage in this orgy of sin?! How dare you! 
Now thou shalt face the wrath of God. Be repentant sinners, while you 
can..." At first, Carlos thought it was some drunken fool, but then the 
crowd began to pull back, pulling him and Pepe with it. Just then, the 
dark sky was darkened even further as a cloud obscured it. Looking 
closely, Carlos and Pepe saw that it was a writhing, seething cloud of 
bugs.  Suddenly, Carnival didn't seem so fun.  The cloud descended upon 
the crowd just as a wave of aphids and caterpillars engulfed all. 
Thousands of bugs coated Carlos, eating at his skin. Carlos flung his 
arms around trying to get them off. He swatted at them, killing 
scores...but that wasn't enough to stop them.  As with the hundreds of 
villagers before them, the citizens of Rio de Janeiro were now engulfed 
by a swarm of insect foes.  Screams were cut off as the Horde 
feverishly crawled inside mouths and noses.  Once inside, the throbbing 
masses began to devour their victims from the inside out.  But to Bill, 
this was only a preemptive strike... 

Soon, masses of people armed with cans of Raid began to counter the
insects' devastating assault.  Although He knew that the puny humans 
could not possibly defeat his Horde, He, acting as an "enzyme," 
hastened His ascent to victory.  A group of adults, armed with cans of 
industrial-grade pesticide, stood in an alley, spraying the air with a 
noxious fog.  A mound of dead insects, at least 4 feet high and 5 feet 
wide lay on the ground in front of them.  But pesticide alone could not 
hurt the Chosen One!  Bill spotted them and began His grim task; the 
Blades of Death whirled ferociously in the air.  He advanced.  The 
churning blades now ripped up the pavement in front of Him, flinging 
chunks of asphalt everywhere.  The once-brave humans now broke down in 
tears and knelt before Bill, pleading for forgiveness.  "Unbelievers! 
Infidels! Only now do you try to repent! Only now do you believe! But 
even now, I can see that deep in your soul, you only beg for 
forgiveness out of fear and not belief. But I'm benevolent, you shall 
be forgiven... after you have shed your mortal flesh and its sins, so 
your souls may be purified." And with that the insects engulfed the 
terrified mortals.  They tried to swat them off, but they kept on 
coming, more and more, engulfing them all. Among them was Pepe, who had 
survived the first wave; he writhed on the ground in pain as the 
insects ripped open his skin, nothing he did helped, they just kept on 
coming. Soon the pain subsided as his nerves were destroyed, but he 
grew weak, sleepy, until finally, the blessed darkness of death 
overtook him. 

Evil Bill stood over His massive Hordes of Death, satisfied with His
handiwork. The streets were coated and streaked with the blood of 
"sinners" now He reveled in the wanton destruction of the city, as they 
advanced on the capital building. The President's bodyguards were now 
dead and he was barricaded in his office, but Bill shredded the door 
with one swift blow of his blades. The President was huddled in a 
corner, but Bill fixed that.  He shoved the President against a wall 
and crucified him with pieces of glass. Then in a perverted parody of 
seppuku, Bill ripped open the President's abdomen. Screaming as his 
guts spilled onto the floor, the President begged for mercy. "Don't 
fear, for your time of ascension is at hand, soon you shall join your 
brethren in the blessed land beyond death, my servant for eternity and 
more," cackled Bill.  The swarm of voracious insects feasted upon the 
President's entrails as they pulsed slowly to his fading heartbeat.  
"Oh Lord, if you hear me, please save me, save me," prayed the 
President.  God, nor any other supernatural deity could help the 
President, but one man heard his cry.  Unfortunately, this man heard 
the call of distress too late; the President sank into an eternal sleep 
of darkness.  After the President expired, the only sounds to be heard 
in the entire city were the pattering of little feet and the munching 
of insectile mandibles.  But, out of this grim chaos a new sound 
emerged; the sound of a small, gasoline-powered motor. 

Evil Bill teleported Himself into the heart of the city to pinpoint the
source of this sound.  As it turned out, this small vehicle wasn't 
wandering around the city aimlessly, but was, in fact, homing in on 
Bill.  Using His unholy prophetic powers, Evil Bill was able to 
envision a great battle between Good and Evil, in which only one force 
would leave the scene alive.  However, Bill was unable to see neither 
the outcome of this battle nor the face of the withered, old man He was 
going to do battle with.  But enough of this foolishness, He must 
prepare! 

Evil Bill called His dark servants to Him, to begin the remora-like
cleaning of the Chosen One.  In only a matter of seconds, the Great One 
was once again cleansed of the blood of His victims.  He was ready. 

Evil Bill waited for His foe to arrive.  The tension hung in the air
like a Campbell's Chunky Split Pea n'Ham soup.  Bill was just about to 
start searching for His foe, when all of a sudden, a white vehicle 
careened around a corner and stood there idling its engine.  A vehicle 
so holy that it could be only one thing...the Popemobile!   And within 
a bulletproof, waterproof, and airtight Lexan box sat the most widely 
respected man on Earth: Pope John Paul II.  "Fiend!  God be very angry 
at you.  You have sinned much and must be punished," croaked John Paul 
through his microphone. With that said, Evil Bill, infuriated by the 
Pope's holy words, set the Horde upon his holiness.  Countless numbers 
of mosquitoes impacted into the Lexan box, committing an honorable 
suicide just like fanatical Japanese pilots in World War II.  As the 
fliers rammed into the box, the aphids and caterpillars covered the box 
and began eating away at the polycarbonate siding.  In a matter of 
instants, the view of the Pope's vehicle was completely obscured by the 
layer of insects.  Just as Bill was about to leave the Pope for dead, a 
blast of white light burst from the Popemobile.  Bill's followers 
instantly shriveled up and died as the heat from the light instantly 
desiccated them.  As if on cue, the light faded, leaving a huge pile of 
dead insects in its wake.  Then, strong winds blew and scattered the 
blackened corpses all over. 

"Dat vas only a small demonstration of my powver, next time I may not be
as unforgiving," chortled the Pope.  "Your childish antics do not 
frighten me, mortal fool.   Your time has come, old-man," Bill said 
demonically.  And with that, the great battle began.  Bill came down 
with a vengeance; He destroyed the cab of the Popemobile, leaving its 
driver in many, many pieces. 

Bill called upon His minions, and generated a reverse quantum
singularity. Out came 20 or so flying monkeys; they began to dive-bomb 
the Pope. However their power was no match for the holy aura that 
surrounded John Paul.  The pope charged up his staff, and repeatedly 
shot bolts of white lightning, instantly disintegrating all of Bill's 
minions. The Chosen One was beginning to get irritated. 

"Join me in my dark quest and we shall rule the galaxy side-by-side, as
father and son," said Bill.  "But how can that be," screeched the Pope, 
"I'm so much older than you!"  "Using my quantum singularity I was able 
to fold the very fabric of space and time and I went back in time and 
fucked your mom," cackled Bill.  The Pope, infuriated by this new 
discovery, unleashed a devastating psionic assault upon Bill, causing 
parts of Him to instantly oxidize and fall off.  Bill then advanced on 
the Popemobile once again; His blades ripped open a large hole in the 
Lexan box.  Then, using His dark influence, He called upon His brethren 
in the sewers to come forth and serve their sith lord.  About 20 
man-eating alligators emerged from the rat-infested sewers of Rio de 
Janeiro and crawled towards Bill.  He telepathically commanded His 
brethren to destroy the Pope.  As the mass of slimy, hissing alligators 
advanced upon the Pope, Bill noticed that the Pope appeared to be 
charging some sort of psionic power, but He didn't care.  One of the 
slithering monstrosities went through the hole in the Lexan box and 
hissed menacingly at his Holiness.  The Pope, unable to get away, 
howled in anguish as a set of inhuman jaws clamped down upon his tender 
arm.  Hot blood spurted from between the alligator's jaws as the 
fang-like teeth sliced right through the muscle tissue.  Then, with a 
sickening crunch, the alligator's vise-like jaws snapped the Pope's 
ulna and radius in two.  But the blood-thirsty alligator wasn't 
finished; it now started ripping his forearm from the rest of his body. 
 Then, with a blood-curdling rip that sounded like cloth being sheared 
in two, the Pope's forearm was torn off, leaving a pulsating, bloody 
stump in its place.  The triumphant alligator returned to Bill, bearing 
the Pope's still-twitching forearm in its mouth.  He deposited his 
prize in front of Bill, who, in a blast of dark power, transported the 
souvenir back to His Lair. 

Bill was just about to send His minions forth to finish the Pope off
when something unexpected happened.  The Pope, who had secretly been 
channeling his powers, now unleashed them.  As he held his staff with 
his functional hand, a white energy engulfed him, radiating power in 
all directions. Suddenly, a blinding white beam of light lanced down 
from the heavens and a shockwave emanated from the white point of 
energy that was the Pope. There was a cracking, rolling, and thundering 
rumbling that exploded from the Pope as if the sky itself had cracked 
open.  Bill was engulfed in the shockwave, only His shield of evil 
protected Him.  The city around him was suddenly restored to its former 
glory as it was filled with holy energy. Evil Bill was infuriated by 
this blatant defiance of His power. As Bill summoned His dark forces to 
smite the city once more, He suddenly lost control of His once loyal 
minions.  The alligators now turned on Bill, hissing and drooling as 
they went.  Bill engaged and rushed forward to meet the new threat.  
But Bill encountered something totally unexpected; His Blades of 
Darkness couldn't penetrate the alligators' hide.  It was now encased 
in a holy Armor of Light.  The converted alligators' hide now rendered 
Bill's once-terrifying blades totally dull and useless. 

Alligators now chomped down on His hulk, severely disabling Him.  Bill,
realizing that the end was near, began preparing for His coup de gras.  
 Just before Bill was about to unleash His final blow, the Pope spoke.  
"Father, I vill join side of Darkness, but first I must do good thing 
for side of God," said John Paul.  Just as the Pope finished his 
sentence and was about to finish off Bill, there was a great rumbling 
and a crack 10,000 times louder than a thunderclap, and the earth below 
the city collapsed inward into a gaping pit. Skyscrapers, parks, 
businesses, and newly-resurrected people alike hurtled downward into 
oblivion.  In the timeframe of only a few long seconds, Rio, and all of 
its inhabitants were swallowed whole by the Earth, leaving only Bill 
and his new ally upon a floating platter of energy.  Then, the frigid 
waters of the Atlantic rushed into the gaping chasm that was once Rio 
De Janeiro, sweeping away buildings and people like a biblical flood 
washing away their sins.  And with that, Bill expired. 

GRIM HARVEST PART 2: THE FINAL SOLUTION 

Promit was playing in his father's machinery shed, a rare thing in the
world's largest "democracy." But his family was among the richest in 
the country, and Promit was a very spoiled young man.  In fact, the 
Neefridi family owned a large plot of land on the central Deccan 
Plateau.  Promit was very bored and was somewhat interested in learning 
how his family's International Harvester grain harvester/combine 
worked.  Just how did it collect the grain and separate the grain from 
the stalk?  Promit was gonna find out firsthand!  Just as Promit had 
crawled through the rack of blades and was about enter the thresher 
assembly, he heard the electric whine of a starter motor and the roar 
of an engine.  Promit, now terrified and confused, tried to crawl out 
through the blades, but froze when they started rotating madly, 
thrashing the air around them.  Quickly turning around, he scuttled the 
other way...to his death.  Promit had just realized his deadly mistake, 
a second too late.  Before his body had a chance to react, he was 
tossed inside the harvester's integrated thresher assembly to be 
"processed."  A few short seconds later, a stream of bloody bones shot 
from the grain chute and landed in the collection bin.  They clattered 
on the steel bottom of the collection bin; little Promit's bones would 
only be one of many sets of bones to land in this bin...  Meanwhile, a 
second stream of "byproducts" poured out from the chaff chute and onto 
the ground. 

Suddenly, the doors of the equipment shed flew open and Bill rolled out,
His red body and freshly polished blades gleaming in the sun. The 
indentured peasant workers who tended the fields all looked upon him in 
awe, not comprehending the danger they were in.  Bill revved up His 
motor and the blades that had once harvested productive grain and fed 
millions became sinister instruments of death. Rushing the shocked 
workers, Bill shredded everything in his path. Five workers were cut 
down, disappearing into Evil Bill's awaiting maw in a puff of pinkish 
vapor.  Seconds later, a stream of watery slush and fragments of bone 
were ejected from Evil Bill's bowels. The farmers now fled in terror 
begging the all powerful Allah for protection.  But now not even Allah 
could save their souls. They tried to run but were quickly cut down by 
Bill's bloodied blades. By now, Evil Bill had reached the Neefridi 
house. Without even pausing, He barreled straight through, smashing a 
giant hole in the house.  It's cheap construction caused the entire 
house to collapse, killing all within.  But death by blunt trauma 
wasn't good enough; He ran over the entire house a few more times, 
picking up the bodies of the dead and "processing" them.  When He was 
finished, the bones of his victims half-filled his collection bin.  
Soon...it would be time to purify the bones of these sinners; the glue 
factory awaited!  After purging the "toxins" from the Nefreedi family, 
Bill moved on...to victory! 

Jawaharthal Kedia was just taking his shower when a great rumbling shook
the tiles off the shower's wall.  Following proper earthquake 
procedure, Jawaharthal quickly turned off the shower and ducked under a 
nearby table. When he finally emerged, he saw the rest of his family of 
22, not including him and his wife, were okay. Heading downstairs, the 
terrified family beheld the awesome sight of Evil Bill in His full 
glory. "You have built your empire of evil upon the backs of poor 
peasants, you harvest their souls and use them for your own benefit. 
For that you have brought upon yourselves the wrath of God. But don't 
be afraid, for I am the Purifier and I shall wash your sins away in a 
bath of blood and fire..." 

And with that, He dragged twelve of Jawarthal's children into Himself.
His bloodied blades of darkness shredded their unfortunate bodies and 
ferried them into His body. By now, He realized how full He was but if 
He tried, He figured He could fit the whole family into His bowels. 
With a sudden lunge, His blades sucked the entire family into Himself 
to be processed; their bodies disappeared into His bowels.  Now Bill 
decided to empty Himself, but where? 

Suddenly he remembered... a little down the road was a glue factory, the
perfect place for His waste.  Slowly, Evil Bill moved down the road to 
His destination. Once there, He summoned His legions from hell once 
more. The ground opened up beneath the stunned factory workers as 
winged monkeys and postal workers clawed their way out of the ground. 
The factory workers were ruthlessly gunned down by the postal workers, 
the factory workers' bodies then stripped of all flesh.   The bodies 
were thrown by the postal workers into the giant crushing gears of the 
glue factory, where their bodies were converted into a reddish 
mucilage.  But this was only the beginning; Bill ordered His minions to 
empty His collection bin so that the bones of the sinners might once 
again be purified.  The glue factory, now belching thick clouds of dark 
smoke would now serve as Bill's staging area and central command post.  
But before any major offensive was to be launched, He would have to 
strengthen His fortifications.  To do so would require Him to create 
more glue.  So Bill then sent out His legions of darkness, now armed 
with scythes and sickles along with their standard weapons to reap 
their grim harvest... 

Ravi Patak was just about to water his fields when a faint sound emerged
from over the horizon.  He couldn't quite make out what was making the 
sound, but it seemed like a sharp staccato of some kind.  He paid no 
attention to it at first, but over the course of an hour the sound 
slowly intensified; who or what was making the noise was definitely 
getting closer.  Then a new horror dawned upon Ravi's face as he looked 
up from his work and beheld the horrific sight before him.  On the 
horizon, stretching as far as the eye could see were rows upon rows of 
gun, scythe, and sickle toting maniacs.  The Postal Workers of two 
countries, clad in black fatigues, goose-stepped forward, muttering 
under their breath as they went.  Ravi tried to flee, but a hail of 
lead arched toward him and cut him down as he ran.  Ravi would only be 
one of many to fall on that fateful day.  The Postal Workers did the 
same for all villagers in a 50-mile radius around the glue factory.  
When all of the villagers had been systematically exterminated, the 
Postal Workers pulled back, and called for the cleanup crew.  A fleet 
of mail trucks driven by Indian drivers converged upon the scene.  The 
drivers then tossed the bullet-riddled corpses of their fellow 
countrymen into the trucks and drove back to the glue factory to 
deposit their grisly cargo.  Bill accepted these offerings and ordered 
His monkeys to begin the dark task of converting their bones and 
connective tissue into the all-important compound known as glue. 

Now that he had secured His new base of operations, Evil Bill unleashed
His army of darkness upon the land; they goose-stepped their way from 
village to village, like a malignant plague, spreading death and 
destruction. Suddenly, Evil Bill decided He needed to celebrate...He 
had His loyal postal commandos raid a nearby maternity ward.  As Bill's 
stormtroopers surged into the hospital under the blessed cover of 
darkness, screams of women could now be heard.  The stormtroopers then 
helped the women give birth...with the butts of their rifles.  All 
sorts of juicy noises and screams could be heard as the stormtroopers 
clubbed the mothers' swollen bellies with the hard wooden stocks of 
their guns.  Those mothers that didn't "give birth" immediately were 
given special treatment.  With a crazed look upon their faces, the 
Postal Workers extracted their nasty sickles from their equipment bags. 
 Then, with malicious intent, the Postal Workers sliced open the 
bellies of the mothers.  Women screamed in anguish as the children 
within them were ripped from their uteruses and stuffed into the Postal 
Workers' mail sacks. 

After performing impromptu Caesarian sections upon the mothers, the
Postal Workers left them there to die, with their bellies still wide 
open and bodily fluids still oozing from the caverns that were once 
their wombs.  After visiting the berthing ward, the Postal Workers 
rushed into the nursery, grabbing babies by the armful.  They too were 
stuffed into the sacks, kicking and screaming as more were piled upon 
them.  When the entire hospital had been cleansed of the scourge known 
as infants, the Postal Workers departed, with their mailsacks full of 
pissing and screeching babies.  The postal workers then piled into 
their mail trucks and left for the command center, quite certain that 
their Dark Master would be delighted with their gift.  As the Postal 
Workers drove home, they waved to their winged companions in the air, 
who were speeding towards the hospital for some fun of their own.  
Armed with backpack flame-throwers, the little demons flew into the 
hospital and lit the pilot lights on their flame-throwers.  Then, with 
a twisted look on their little faces, the monkeys unleashed a sea of 
scorching napalm into the hospital.  Women and doctors alike shrieked 
as the napalm slowly burned away all of their flesh.  The demons 
systematically went through the entire hospital, dousing everyone still 
alive from the first Postal Worker assault with napalm.  When the 
monkeys were satisfied with their work in the hospital, they left it to 
hover outside to view the awesome carnage.  As they watched, humans ran 
out of the fiery building seeking refuge in the open space only to be 
coated again in napalm by the monkeys.  In the space of a half an hour, 
the entire hospital had been razed, its occupants' bodies scattered all 
around and in the rubble.  Cackling with glee, the monkeys returned to 
their master, bringing with them the charred remains of the hospital 
patients and doctors.  Bill was delighted by this show of loyalty and 
sent His monkeys out for one more task...find and retrieve an apple 
cider press. 

Although there are no native apples in the land of India, the presses
for squeezing the juices from them are made there.  Knowing this fact, 
the monkeys flew to a high-tech apple press factory and stole the 
largest and best press available.  They then flew it back to the glue 
factory where they placed it before the Chosen One.  "You have done 
well, my winged brethren...now let the ceremony begin," chortled Bill 
as He examined the press.  And with that said, the Postal Workers 
emptied their urine-soaked mailsacks full of infants onto the floor and 
into a giant, squirming pile.  Then, the Postal Workers separated the 
babies by caste and stuffed them accordingly into large burlap sacks.  
The flying monkeys read the instruction manual for the apple press, 
pushed a few buttons on the control panel, and the giant jaws of the 
apple press opened.  The Postal Workers then placed the full sacks of 
caste-sorted infants in layers within the apple press and began the 
unholy ceremony.  Then, after uttering a few incantations in some 
strange, archaic dialect of Arabic, the Postal Workers commanded their 
winged comrades to operate The Machine.  A loud klaxon sounded and a 
red warning light started flashing as The Machine prepared for the dark 
task ahead.  Then, there was a whirring of fan belts and the whine of 
an electric motor as the gears of death began to turn; the jaws of the 
press began to slowly close the distance between them.  As the jaws 
closed in on each other, the babies within the burlap sacks suddenly 
stopped crying, as if they knew that Death was near.  Then there was a 
sickening crunch as the flimsy bones of the toddlers snapped under the 
great pressure exerted upon them by the press's crusher arm.  Only now 
did the blood-curdling screams begin again, only to be hushed a few 
seconds later. 

The blood from the babes that had been collecting started off as a
trickle, but soon turned into a raging torrent as more bodies were 
compressed, squeezing the blood from their now lifeless corpses.  Blood 
poured out from between the sacks and ran down the sides of the 
machine.  The Postal Workers hurriedly milled around the machine, 
collecting the blood in 50-gallon drums.  After the compressing arms 
had come together as close as the machine would allow, the arms were 
thrust upward, revealing the blood soaked interior of the press.  The 
Postal Workers then emptied the crimson stained burlap sacks and 
refilled them with fresh infants, only for the demonic process to 
repeat itself a few short minutes later.  When all of the collected 
babies had had the precious life-enabling fluid known as blood squeezed 
out of them, they were given to the monkeys as a feast.  When this 
"blood ceremony" had ended, nearly 200 barrels of infantile blood lay 
stacked in a dark corner of the glue factory, waiting to be opened and 
consumed by the Chosen One.  "Very well done my children, but now it is 
time to feed your master," proclaimed Bill.  Commanded by their dark 
leader, the Postal Workers took a barrel of blood, popped the lid, and 
poured all 50 gallons of its contents into His hungry fuel tank.  The 
fresh blood being poured into Him elicited an almost orgasmic response 
from the Chosen One; He sighed as the brief period of ecstasy ended 
when His gas tank was full of  "high octane fuel." 

Now it was time to bring death upon the land.  He gathered His minions
around Him and said, "Now, like the shadow of Death, we shall spread 
across the land, bringing death and sorrow to all who have incurred the 
wrath of God!"  And with those words, the flying monkeys and Postal 
Workers knew that the time to wash away the sins of India in a bath of 
innocent blood had arrived.  The Postal Workers set out, marching down 
the road to New Delhi between row after row of the burned, mangled, and 
rotting bodies of dead peasants who had "sacrificed" their lives to the 
Dark One. 

Nasheer Dolama skipped along the stinking, pest-infested roads of New
Delhi, with its open sewers and cardboard dwellings.  Suddenly, a dark 
cloud of foreboding dread descended upon the city as a rumble and the 
sharp staccato of many booted feet slamming against earth could be 
heard in the distance.  Then, Indian policemen started running around 
madly screaming that a great demon and his minions were about to lay 
siege to the city.  It could be only one demon...it was Him.  Everyone 
ceased what they were doing and, working as one, erected a giant 
barricade made of scrap metal, human feces, and the bloated bodies of 
dead beggars.  When the construction was complete only a few minutes 
later, a massive barrier 40 feet high and 1000 feet wide now stood in 
front of one section of the city.  But that wouldn't stop Him... 

As Bill led His legions of darkness toward the city, He noticed
something obscuring His view of the target: a giant barrier.  But this 
wouldn't even be a minor setback, for He chose the most direct route 
past it...right through it! 

Evil Bill plowed right into the barrier so hard that it exploded inward,
raining upon the huddled masses a shower of dead bodies and debris.  
Bill's legions spread in all directions, burning and pillaging at will. 
 His flying monkeys spread out like the Black Plague, butchering 
countless numbers of fresh bodies and throwing them into Bill's 
awaiting maw.  Meanwhile, the militia of 2,000 Postmen marched over the 
fallen wall, goose-stepping towards victory.  They loaded their rifles, 
automatics, and shotguns in complete unison and opened fire upon the 
stunned onlookers.  A hail of burning lead and steel flew into the 
crowd, brutally shredding tissue and puncturing fragile organs with 
extreme force. 

The crowd fell to their knees begging for mercy, but they were shown
none.  It was time for them to die, and die they would.  Evil Bill 
plowed through the crowd, slaughtering them like their sacred cattle.  
In fact, not even their cattle were safe as He carved a path of 
destruction through the panicking crowd.  The postal workers and 
monkeys swept up what was left, killing those who were unfortunate 
enough to have survived the onslaught. 

Their mangled corpses were then thrown into a large pile 30 feet wide,
200 feet long, and 15 feet high. The Chosen One engaged His whirling 
blades and mowed through the bodies, flinging blood and bone as far as 
the eye could see.  He suddenly felt strange and noticed that His blood 
and flesh tank was full. It was time to separate His evil brew. 

The postal workers, at Bill's request, gathered netting from the farms
on the outskirts of town. After salvaging what they could find, His 
minions set 10 large iron pots next to Bill. "This pure, refined blood 
will be the greatest I have ever provided to the glorious Motherland. 
It will burn in hell for all eternity in my lair of darkness," said the 
Dark One.  Bill laughed demonically as the pots were readied.  He 
started to spill his load into the first vat. The blood poured out and 
passed through the netting, filtering out flesh and bone and cleansing 
the fluid of most impurities. All of the vats were soon filled, and it 
was time to destroy the microscopic impurities within the blood.  Using 
His dark powers, Bill disintegrated all of the final microbes in a 
blast of psionic fire.  All that remained was pure blood.  The blood 
was packaged into barrels and shipped downward, along with the 
infantile blood that was harvested earlier.  And it was now time for 
the army to continue with its glorious quest. 

The Army of Darkness advanced upon Parliament, which was surrounded by
the Indian Army.  With a roar, Evil Bill sent out a shockwave of 
psionic energy that swept the Indians from the battlefield.  Bill then 
spotted two prepubescent boys that particularly interested Him.  He 
sent His Postal Workers to cleanse them.  Attaching their bayonets to 
their rifles, the Postal Workers advanced upon the boys.  One Postal 
Worker made his move and speared the younger boys', Patak's, neck.  
Then, as the blade pulled clear of the wound, his companion, Mihir, was 
instantly splashed with a torrent of blood pumping from the gaping 
wound, like crimson water from a vampire's drinking fountain.  The 
sound of Patak's throat was inhuman, half moan and half howl.  His 
breath gurgled in his throat, like the sound of blowing bubbles through 
a straw.  Then, as if to show some kind of dark mercy, the Postal 
Worker leveled his rifle at the dying boy's head and pulled the 
trigger.  The gun bucked in the Postal Workers' hands as Patak's head 
exploded as a result of the tremendous release of the kinetic energy 
from the .308 softpoint. 

Mihir then spoke in broken English to the Postal Worker, punctuated by
frequent sobbing.  "Why you do this, so bad," cried Mihir.  "Your Dark 
Master has deemed you and your fellow countrymen to be unworthy of His 
precious blessing.  You and your people shall be subjected to the great 
Unholy Apocalypse that will cleanse this foul Earth of unbelievers and 
send them to the darkest pits of hell where they shall be subjected to 
eternal punishment and enslavement by your Dark Master," replied the 
dark servant coldly.  "You will never win," said Mihir.  "Once It has 
begun, It can never stop," cackled the demon that was the Postal 
Worker.  "It never begin, we beat you," screeched Mihir proudly.  "It 
has already begun," chortled the Postal Worker as he loaded a fresh 
magazine into his rifle.  After pulling back the action of his gun, 
loading a fresh bullet into the chamber, the Postal Worker pulled the 
trigger.  A spout of flame burst from his gun's muzzle; Mihir's head 
exploded, his entire body jerked backward from the impact.  The crack 
of the gun rolled across the countryside, sounding a death knell that 
signaled the beginning of the End. 

Back at the Parliament, the Postal Workers forced the sobbing Parliament
members to dig a mass grave for the dead.  After dragging the bodies 
into the pit, the Parliament members were lined up and shot with 
extreme prejudice, their bodies fell into the blood-soaked pit.  The 
Postal Workers then drenched the bodies in gasoline and set them 
aflame.  The bodies burned to ash in their own funeral pyre, lighting 
the sky in a reddish glow from the hellish bonfire.  Then, coming to 
the stunning realization that there were still unclean souls in the 
city, Bill took it upon Himself to take care of the job that remained.  
Bill then set out on a personal vendetta to annihilate every living 
soul in New Delhi.  He rolled out alone, leaving His loyal Postal 
Workers behind to tend the still-glowing embers that were once the 
people of New Delhi.  Fifteen minutes later, He found His first 
victims, a group of thirty people huddled in an alley.  His massive 
hulk cast a dark shadow over the terrified civilians as He began to 
speak.  "Why do you cower in the face of your Dark Master?  Have you no 
respect for your savior?  You shall pay for your sins...with your 
unworthy existences," said Bill ominously.  The only answers He got 
were the cowardly whimperings of the impoverished Indians.  Totally 
denouncing this colorful display of disrespect, Bill decided to repaint 
the walls of the alley with the blood of sinners!  Drawing all of the 
dark energy in the area into the omnipotent being that was Evil Bill, 
He advanced on the huddling masses.  Screams of utter and bitter agony 
could be heard as Bill enacted His dark plan.  As was proclaimed 
earlier, Bill did indeed paint the brick walls with the blood of 
sinners as a thick stream of crimson-stained entrails, flesh, and bones 
spewed from Him.  Cackling gleefully, Bill rampaged around the already 
depopulated city, liberating the souls of its former inhabitants from 
the burden of their earthly vessels. 


Tweet