A Wizard Wheeze (standard:fantasy, 2035 words)
Author: moya	Added: May 19 2002	Views/Reads: 3410/2240	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
Who wants to rule the world? Eustace and Snowdrop realize you should never trust a wizard. 3rd in Dragontails series.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


“No pet dragons, then. I have a strict rule here, no animals in the
house. Dogs and dragons belong in the yard.” 

“You go on,” said Snowdrop, “Don't mind me. What's a bit of rain to a
dragon? We're used to hardship.” 

Eustace hated when Snowdrop went all noble and martyred, he knew he
would pay for it later. On the other hand, he could feel the warmth 
flowing out of the kitchen, accompanied by a delicious cooking smell. 
He hesitated. The cooking won. 

It felt glorious to be out of the wind and rain. Eustace took a step
towards the fire which blazed in an immense fireplace at the end of the 
room. 

“Don't walk on the floor,” snapped Mrs Wizard.  Eustace halted. On what,
then? The ceiling? 

“Step on the parchment. Men! Don't care what they bring in on their
boots.” 

He looked down and saw sheets sheets of parchment laid out like stepping
stones across the floor. Many were covered in strange writing and 
arcane symbols, and as he cautiously set his feet on them they crackled 
and gave off puffs of smoke. 

“Are you sure . . . ” 

“Oh, they're not important, just wizard stuff. Now, if you'd just like
to wash your hands, the scullery's through there, then I would be 
obliged if you would pop up to the wizard's den, third turret on your 
left, and tell him his dinner's ready.” 

The wizard turn out to be a small, mild , bespectacled man man with a
nervous smile. Dinner was taken in the castle dining room at a long 
table, with the wizard at one end, Mrs Wizard at the other, and Sir 
Eustace in the middle. It made conversation difficult, but then 
conversation was hardly necessary, beyond the occasional grunt and nod 
of the head. Mrs Wizard had Views.  She had Views on everything - the 
iniquities of the government, the improvidence of the peasantry, the 
shrinking supply of virgins in the inner city - but most of all she had 
Views about the wizard. 

“It's not that I don't hold with magic,” she confided over the pudding,
“very useful, I'm sure, in its place, and a man should have a hobby. In 
fact when Mr Wizard retired from the haberdashery business I encouraged 
him to take one up, but I must say I had something quieter in mind, 
stamp collecting maybe, or tropical fish, something which would not 
annoy the neighbours. We used to live in town, but after the 
Unpleasantness we bought this place, so Mr Wizard could do his 
experiments without interference. I try to keep it nice, I have a 
boggart comes in to do the heavy cleaning, but you know what boggarts 
are like, so unreliable . . . ” 

Sir Eustace kept his head down and concentrated on his food. At least it
was a very good dinner. He felt a bit guilty about Snowdrop, outside in 
the rain, and when he judged Mrs Wizard had mellowed a little he 
brought the matter up again. 

“I quite understand he can't come in the house, but maybe the stable - ”


“The stable!” snorted Mrs Wizard. “Certainly not. Think of the fire
risk.” 

“You have a dragon?” squeaked the wizard. “How exciting! My dear, we
can't leave the poor thing out in the rain, it might catch its death.” 

“Oh, very well,” said Mrs Wizard, “you can put him in the coal-shed. And
I'll give you some scraps to take out, after you've done the 
washing-up.” 

As Sir Eustace was helping the wizard wash the dishes Wormfinger sidled
up to him when Mrs Wizard was not looking and whispered,  “I think we 
can do better than the coal-shed. Tell your dragon to fly up to my 
window when he's had his supper.” 

A little latter Sir Eustace was comfortably ensconced by the fire in the
wizard's den, when there came a scratching noise at the window. 
Wormfinger opened it and Snowdrop peered through. 

“I'm here,” he said, “But how do I get in?” 

“No problem,” said the wizard. He unscrewed a small jar, tipped a small
amount of the powder it contained into the lid. then blew it over 
Snowdrop. There was a startled squawk, a soft implosion of air, and the 
dragon flapped into the room, now no bigger than a pigeon. 

“Shrinking powder!” gasped Sir Eustace. “But isn't that an illegal
substance?” 

The wizard looked uncomfortable. “I have a licence for small quantities.
For experimental purposes.” 

Eustace and the dragon spent a pleasant evening in the wizard's den
before retiring to sleep, Eustace in a nearby turret and the dragon in 
the wizard's den, that being the only room in the castle safe from Mrs 
Wizard's cleaning mania. After breakfast next morning Eustace went up 
to say goodbye to the wizard and collect Snowdrop. He found the dragon 
sitting under a glass jar on the wizard's desk. As soon as he saw 
Eustace he jumped up, beating his wings against the glass. 

“Hey! What have you done to him?” 

“I'm sorry if it causes you inconvenience,” said the wizard, “but the
dragon stays here.” 

“But you can't do that!” 

“I think you will find I can. My dear chap, have you any idea how
valuable a dragon is? Every portion of his anatomy forms some magical 
ingredient or other.” 

“Hang on, you're not cutting up Snowdrop for your potions . . . I say,
what a marvellous idea.” Eustace blinked. “Why did I say that?” 

“I've just put an Agreeable Spell on you. From now on you will agree
with everything I say.” 

"That's nice. Can I ask a question?” 

“Of course. The spell doesn't stop you asking, but you have to agree
with the answer.” 

“What do you want him for?” 

The wizard's eyes gleamed behind his spectacles. “I shall become
all-powerful! I shall conquer the world!” 

"Oh.  Excuse me for mentioning it, but you don't strike me as the
world-conquering type,” said Sir Eustace. 

"It's not for me,” said the wizard. “It's for Mrs Wizard. I've felt very
guilty about taking her away from all her friends in town. She used to 
lead such a full life, with he coffee mornings and sewing circles, and 
she was on all the committees, the Anti-Poltergeist League, the Society 
for the Relief of Indigent Witches, the SPCM - ” 

“Pardon?” 

“Prevention of Cruelty to Monsters. Now all she has to look after is me,
and frankly it gets very wearing. Running the world will give her 
something to do, and I might get some peace. And the world will 
benefit, she's very good at that sort of thing.” 

“Definitely,” agreed Eustace, inwardly shuddering. 

“So you'd better be off, then. You've got a long way to go.” 

“Yes. Right,” said Eustace. 

As he descended the stairs he met Mrs Wizard wielding a broom.  “Thank
you for your hospitality,” he said. 

“You're welcome. It was nice to have a bit of company for once. I hope
you didn't mind too much about your dragon, but I won't have animals 
inside, I can't do with the mess.” 

“Quite right,” said Eustace. “a house is no place for a dragon, not even
in the wizard's den.” 

Mrs Wizard's eyes narrowed. “Did I hear you aright? He has a dragon up
there?” 

“Indeed he has,” agreed Eustace. 

“We'll see about that!” 

Eustace followed at a safe distance as she stormed up the stairs and
flung open the wizard's door. 

“How could you,” she cried. “You promised! After all the trouble we had
with that basilisk, you told me never again.” 

A sweep of her broom handle sent the glass jar to the floor. Snowdrop
was up and out of the window as if he had discovered jet propulsion. 
The wizard cowered in the corner. 

“But my precious, it was all for you - “ 

“A likely tale!” 

Eustace made his way quietly down the stairs and let himself out of the
back door. As he led his horse from the stable he heard a crash and a 
howl from the turret above. A voice shrieked, “Rule the world! As if I 
don't have enough to do!” 

Snowdrop flew down and perched on the saddlebow.  “Well, we seem to have
got out of that one all right,” he said. 

“More than all right,” said Eustace smugly. He held up the jar of
Shrinking Powder, before stowing it in the saddlebag . “Never know when 
something might come in useful.” 

The dragon stared. “You'd better not get caught with that stuff, or it's
ten years in the galleys. For both of us.” 

“I don't intend to get caught.” 

The effects of the Shrinking Powder wore off in a couple of days. The
Agreeable Spell unfortunately took a little longer. 

“I think,” said Snowdrop, “that after my harrowing experience, and
bearing in mind that I've been living on mice for two days and I'm 
starving, you owe me a really slap-up meal. A fat pig, maybe, or a 
couple of sheep. In fact, I think I could manage an ox.” 

Sir Eustace gritted his teeth. “I quite agree,” he said.


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