Cassie Calhoun (standard:humor, 1707 words)
Author: Linda	Added: Mar 15 2002	Views/Reads: 3673/2513	Story vote: 0.00 (0 votes)
A parody of all the bad novels we've read … and wondered WHY they were ever published. It's dedicated to those authors who write 'purple prose,' and never bother to check their facts. Enjoy.

Click here to read the first 75 lines of the story


Meanwhile, Luke and Cassie had trudged through the mind-boggling heat
toward the nearest shelter. Luke blamed poor Cassie for that, too. If 
the brainless wench hadn't used her horse-whip on her horse before 
teeing off with a diamond worth a thousand gazillions, they wouldn't be 
afoot. They trudged on brainlessly. Somehow, Luke vowed, he would get 
his diamond back. 

Suddenly in the distance, they heard the thunder of hooves. Many hooves.
Hundreds of hooves and wagon wheels clattered over the stony, weedy, 
sun parched land. Luke peered off into the distance, wishing he had his 
sunglasses, or at least a hat! 

The hot, thirsty pair clambered to the top of a hill, and there in the
distance was an awesome sight. Horses! Wagons! Women! Children! Cattle! 
All trudging through the mind-numbing heat in a never-ending line. 
There was something wrong with this picture, but his heat-crazed mind 
wasn't focusing too well. 

Suddenly he knew the problem. The wagon train was heading east instead
of west! "Surely," he thought, "They know the difference between east 
and west, and 'never the 'twain shall meet.'" 

He told poor, pansy-eyed, wasp-waisted Cassie to stay put as he slid
down the hill to greet the front riders. "Howdy." He called. "Where you 
all heading?" 

The leader of the train was a shifty-eyed dude name Billy Barloon, and
he wasn't about to answer Luke's questions. Finally, though, he told 
Luke that the train had turned around after listening to a man named 
Tommy Terhune. 

Tommy had told them that diamonds worth a zillion gazillion collars
could just be picked up off the ground along the trail, and showed them 
one as evidence. With a single thought, the entire wagon train had 
turned about and even now was grabbing every rock in sight. You just 
never knew which one might be a diamond. They had rocks. Lots of rocks. 
Lots of heavy rocks. Poor oxen trying to pull tons of rocks! 

Well, now, Luke knew he had no choice. He had to find Tommy Terhune and
the diamond. He also had no choice but to tell Cassie about the 
fabulous, magnificent gem. Luke knew Cassie wouldn't be thrilled with 
the news. The poor, pathetic, voluptuous blonde had been playing golf 
with a horse-whip and a 'stone' when she could have a proper set of 
clubs. Ah, me ... fate can be cruel! 

Cassie sat in stunned silence as Luke told her the dreadful news. "Oh,
God," she wailed. "Life is so unfair! All I ask is a set of golf clubs 
and a few little round white balls. I've nearly broken my back trying 
to play with this stupid short handled horse-whip! If only I had that 
diamond, not only could I have clubs, but I could join a country club 
and actually play golf on manicured grass instead of out here in the 
horrid, dusty Texas prairie where my only company is buzzards and 
rattlesnakes and scorpions and tarantulas. Oh, the injustice of it 
all!" 

Luke sat with his head bowed. He knew he deserved the feisty blonde's
tirade. Ah, but she was so magnificent when she was angry and her 
voluptuous, buxom bosom heaved with emotion! His eyes surreptiously 
lifted to roam that magnificently wonderful female form, from her 
heaving bosom to the sculptured, alabaster thighs he knew lay hidden 
behind her dusty calico dress. 

But, alas, this was not the time! He knew they had to find the diamond.
They also had to find shelter before dark and it was rapidly 
approaching the evening hour. Luke gently raised Cassie and turned her 
toward the hills in the distance. "Cassie, there's a cave over there 
where we can find shelter for the night. Tomorrow morning we'll find 
Tommy Terhune and your diamond." 

After another hour of hiking through the stifling, darkening air, they
reached the cave. Luke carefully looked around for bear or rattlesnake 
signs. What he found worried him even more. Footprints! Human 
footprints! Human footprints wearing boots! Not good. In fact, very 
bad! 

He drew his gun and carefully pulled Cassie behind him for protection
from his magnificent, ruggedly handsome body. Nobody would bother his 
Cassie. Hearts pounding, they entered the cave. 

After silently slithering into the cave, Luke carefully searched the
interior. Whoever had been there was gone. The tired pair relaxed and 
tried to get a good night's sleep. They would need it tomorrow. It was 
a long way to the nearest town, and they had to find Tommy Terhune. 
Luke vowed to find Tommy before Cassie did. No telling what Cassie 
would do if she found him first. Women could be SO vicious! 

Morning came too soon for them, but after a hasty breakfast of pine sap
and dandelion leaves, they were on the trail of Tommy Terhune again. 
After hours of trudging, they reached a ramshackle town. What a sorry 
sight! Mud streets. Rutted mud streets. Slimy, smelly, rutted mud 
streets. Saloons. Saloons. Saloons. Drunk. Drunks. Drunks. 

Luke sidled up to the nearest drifter, nearly gagging at the smell of
stale rotgut whiskey and even staler clothes. He whispered his 
questions in the vagabond's ear. After all, he didn't want everybody 
knowing that Tommy Terhune was carrying a diamond worth a hundred 
trillion gazillion dollars. His second question brought the information 
he sought. Tommy was here! Tommy was telling everyone he saw that 
diamonds were just lying all over the ground near the old rutted wagon 
trail. 

Luke drew his gun again, spun the barrel and headed for the saloon.
Justice is near! Cassie will have her diamond! Luke strode into the 
saloon and approached Tommy, gun in hand. Tommy cowered against the 
bar. He knew what Luke wanted. After only a little 'persuasion', Tommy 
handed over the diamond. Success! Now Luke could go to Cassie and give 
her the only thing in the entire world that she really wanted. Golf 
clubs and a hundred little round golf balls. 

And so, once again, we see that good triumphs over evil and there is
justice in this world after all. 


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